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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

For parents of single children

15 replies

gplan · 20/05/2014 19:18

I'm quite new here. More browsing than posting! My son is almost 4. We won't be having any more children and I worry a lot about how my son will get on.

He's really sociable and we do a lot of playdates and get together with friends with kids. on that front I can't do much more.

But more and more friends are having their second child and he looks on and sees their new siblings and i think he's beginning to understand what he doesn't have.

I worry he will be bored after school or at the downtime moments at home; that he'll want us to constantly play with him (he's quite demanding) and that he'll miss out on the sibling relationship - especially once he realises more what his friends have that he doesn't.

Am I over-anxious about it all? It sort of comes up in me a lot, the feeling of guilt and regret, but mostly guilt.

Thanks. I posted here because it looks busier than in the lone child section.

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Safmellow · 20/05/2014 19:23

I have a 3 year old DD and I too feel guilty about her not having siblings.

I am also an only child and I remember my parents talking to me about not having brothers and sisters and (if it is any consolation) I really didn't get what they were worried about.

Of course now I am seeing it with my own DD I can understand why they were concerned.

To be honest I just remind myself of the things she is gaining by being the only one, and I do feel that part of being a parent is feeling guilty whatever the situation - there is always that sense that you just aren't quite doing well enough :)

ThisFenceIsComfy · 20/05/2014 19:25

Even if you did have another, there is no guarantee that they would get on or want to play with each other. Some siblings fight like cat and dog! Especially as the age gap would be quite large between them now.

Original poster

gplan · 20/05/2014 19:28

I know - having a sibling wouldn't necessarily be a playmate. But I would feel like I'd done my bit!

I worry that too much attention can be an issue too.

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ancientbuchanan · 20/05/2014 19:30

Ds desperately wanted a sibling and was v lonely and found us boring. His childminder was much more fun.

So I do recommend activities, but even more if you can do I recommend a dog. Unconditional love, someone to play with. It has made all the difference.

FiveExclamations · 20/05/2014 19:32

My DD is an only at 11 and is very independent, happy with her own company and when she spends time with her friends she really enjoys it so being an only doesn't have to be a bad thing.

She may have required more attention than a child with siblings, but I've never known any different.

I've got friends with between 2 and 4 children and they seem to squabble and in some cases physically fight a lot, but then that might be the only time I really notice them!

CharlesRyder · 20/05/2014 19:33

I am a very happy parent of an almost 4 year old only boy.

I love that we can tailor the activities we choose around him. We are moving on to more 'exciting' pastimes now, we are not still haunting the toddler playgrounds and baby pools with a little sibling.

We have reached the point where he can go to a restaurant and be civilized and we don't have to worry about him bickering with a sibling.

None of the crazed, possessive fighting and vying for adult attention I watched my nephews do. His social skills seems to be fine, none the worse for not having to share home toys.

I would say enjoy the massive, real positives rather that regretting theoretical lost benefits that may never have materialized anyway.

Original poster

gplan · 20/05/2014 19:35

I don't think - hope - he doesn't find us boring. We are pretty fun and muck around a lot. But that's not the same as having an ally/sibling. And that's from me, who doesn't even have that close a relationship with siblings.

I would never have expected to feel like this before I embarked on parent hood.

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Original poster

gplan · 20/05/2014 19:35

Charles; i know. My work is in celebrating what we have (which is a lot) and not regretting the lost. This is very true.

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CharlesRyder · 20/05/2014 19:42

Also, I believe that occurrence of only children is rapidly increasing so, whereas it is quite unusual in our generation, I think when our boys grow up it will probably be a really normal, common thing.

Original poster

gplan · 20/05/2014 19:48

Yes, Charles, I definitely think that's true. Statistically, that's really clear.

I feel judged sometimes for just having him; or pitied. It's weird! Again, a new frontier for me...

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niceupthedance · 20/05/2014 19:50

Don't feel guilty. As long as you are open to plenty of playdates and activities your only won't miss out.

I'm an only child and sometimes I did wish I had a sibling, until I considered the reality of fighting for parental attention!

My DS is 3 and has started to compare our family (I'm a lone parent) to his pals at nursery. I have bought a book about different kinds of families and he seems quite accepting that this is just the way it is.

BrokenStar · 20/05/2014 19:53

I have an only and was bemoaning the fact I don't see enough of him on here the other day. Once they start school their social lives just take off. And downtime at home is just that, DS can relax in peace with no crying babies or toddlers having meltdowns
Look at it this way, it's usually a couple of years before a second sibling is able to play with the elder and mum or dad can't give them the time and attention they would've had without a baby to look after.
And yes lots of siblings fight, I did with mine.
There are pros and con's for both situations, you just have to appreciate the pro's.

IsabellaRockerfeller · 20/05/2014 19:56

If you had a baby you'd be worrying that you couldn't give your eldest enough attention. if you had 3 kids you'd worry about middle child syndrome.

However many kids you have, there's always something to worry about!

Chewbecca · 20/05/2014 20:05

I'm mum of a 10 year old only boy. I did want more but it wasn't to be and we really reap the benefits of an only child & I have now got over worrying about the potential downsides.
We have a lovely life, fab holidays, meals out, activities focused on DS interests, plenty of free time to do as we please. He's very happy in adult company and occupies himself happily. He reads voraciously. you'll never be alone with a book! Loves his cat too.
DS is very very happy and always says he wouldn't want a sibling as he loves our undivided attention & feels very special & sees his friends squabbling with their siblings.
We do spoil DS but try not to too much & make sure he knows how lucky he is and appreciates it.
DS is a really lovely, happy child & I think his 'only' status has contributed to that.

HearMyRoar · 20/05/2014 21:42

I am one of 4, I'm not particularly close to any of my siblings and one in particular made my childhood a misery and continues to be a source of general horribleness.

One of the many reasons I will only be having one child is that I couldn't stand the possibility of inflicting a brother like mine on my wonderful dd.

Sometimes I think people have a very rosetinted view of what having a sibling can be like. It is not always fun and games, I would have rather been an only child to be honest, life would be much easier and less stressful.

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