Verbal bullying - advice on strategies and whether to report it

[PepeLePew]

ds is in year 2, and is being verbally bullied by some of the other boys in his class. They apparently tease him and say he's stupid (he's not) and that he's a slow runner (he is) and a cry baby (he isn't, except when they are being unkind).

I absolutely believe him - dd told me today she'd witnessed it in the playground, and confronted them last week. Apparently they all looked a bit sheepish (she's 10 and quite feisty) but it happened again today.

He is a sensitive little soul, and the rest of the boys are quite physical and alpha male types, so I can see that he doesn't necessarily fit in. But that doesn't excuse the behaviour.

I don't really know what to do. The school has a very clear bullying policy which states that any instances of bullying should be reported. He says the teacher did overhear them once and took away house points, but that he hasn't said anything to his teacher since, because he thinks it will get worse if he does. He's also clear that he doesn't want me to say anything because he thinks it will get better if he just ignores them. But he's been ignoring them, with my encouragement and support, for a few months now, and it breaks my heart to see him being so brave when it clearly is getting to him.

I know the boys concerned, and can see that one of them is probably the instigator, and the others follow his lead. I think all of the parents, who I know reasonably well, would probably be quite upset to know what was going on.

What's the best course of action here? I feel completely out of my depth - I think it has gone beyond the usual banter of boys into something different (and the policy does state clearly that bullying is defined by the way it is perceived by the victim, so if it makes you feel bad it's bullying), and I don't want to disrespect ds's preference for me not to speak to the teacher, but I can't carry on seeing him sad like this.

"He's also clear that he doesn't want me to say anything because he thinks it will get better if he just ignores them"

Good for him. He will become a more confident and self-assured young man as he grows older with this kind of attitude.

Whilst bullying in any form is bad, so is lack of resilience.

If you take the long-term view in this situation (thinking of the teenager and man he will become) rather than the short term view (of wanting to 'rescue' him now), there are more benefits in giving him the tools and confidence to deal with it himself than jumping in and attempting to sort things out on his behalf.

I am a firm believer in strategic ignoring with verbal bullying and name calling. As long as he knows he is a better person than those who try to put him down, he should be able to largely ignore the comments without feeling sad about it. That said, there will be occasions when he should have the confidence to say learnt phrases (that you can teach him) so that those name calling know that what they are saying is not acceptable and untrue.

For example: "you're stupid". "That is a mean and unkind thing to say. I am not stupid and I don't like you saying that" followed by walking away with head held high and finding something else to do away from these boys.

I disagree with the previous poster.

I was the victim of verbal bullying of this sort throughout primary school and the labels they gave me stayed with me. The defined me and restricted my ability to succeed in teenage and early adulthood.

Until you have been the person in receipt of this bullying, you don't understand how insidious it is. You can refuse to react but you can't ignore it. You hear it and it makes a difference to you.

OP, you need to let the class teacher know what is happening and ask him or her to listen out for this and deal with it when they hear it. None of the children needs to know it has come from you.

Your DS probably needs some support to build other friendships so he is around others who will shield him from the bullies and will be less of a target.

Lunchtime supervisors also need to be made aware.

Yes, it is good to help him learn not to rise to it but you can't just let him take all the responsibility. Bullying is a serious issue and needs to be dealt with properly ASAP.

Just to be clear. I refused to react for years in the hope they would stop and I never told an adult. It didn't stop and they got away with it.

I don't know if this will help(it worked for my son). Have u tried enrolling him in martial arts/karate etc lessons. My son had problems with a lack of confidence & a few boys were starting 2 bully him. After just 1 lesson there was immediate change-he was more confident & the bully's could see it 2. My son is now 15 & working towards his black belt but has never had 2 use his skills. I know u said it was just verbal but it may help.

Good advise Angelto5, I know a few boys who have used martial arts to aid in confidence. If the OP's son isn't into that sort of thing, Scouting is also a great way to boost independence and confidence.

Goldmandra The key difference between your experience and mine (I was also relentlessly name called) was that I told my Mum. She constantly told me how much better I was than those name calling and how they were the ones who would lose out in life in the end. What she didn't do was to wade in and sort it out for me.

Everyone is different though. Especially since the OP's son does not want Mum to interfere, she could at least try equipping him with the skills needed to develop his resilience.

My DTSs are the same age and it does seem to be the year where this sort of bullying increases (rather than the physical kind).

I think it is a good idea to increase his resilience by building his self esteem and by role playing to help him deal with the situations. Karate and scouting might help, but bear in mind that if there is bullying there, it may reinforce any negative feelings he may have.

I disagree with Wafflewiffle on the stock phrases though. "That is a mean and unkind thing to say. I am not stupid and I don't like you saying that." I can unfortunately imagine this being repeated back by the bullies in a mocking voice.

I'm trying to teach my DTSs to deal with it by shrugging, and a "whatever" look. Their stock phrases include "oh really" and "that's a bit silly" said in a very confident almost patronising voice. Other than that, don't engage, don't get visibly upset.

Home is a safe place where we can talk about this stuff, laugh at the bully, come up with the snappy come-backs we wished we'd used, and most of all, where we can cry.

Re: talking to the teacher, I think it is totally reasonable to have a discussion with them to find out what they know about the situation, and any tips they have to help build your son's resilience and confidence. Your decision as to whether you tell your son you are doing this. Bear in mind he probably doesn't want it discussed because he is embarrassed or ashamed of the bullying, so you need to make sure that he knows that it is nothing to do with him and all about a deficiency in the bullies themselves.

Especially since the OP's son does not want Mum to interfere, she could at least try equipping him with the skills needed to develop his resilience.

She has tried and it soundds like she's done a great job but she is seeing the profound effect on him of it not getting any better. Those skills will still be there if it is dealt with by someone else.

This isn't a few days or a couple of weeks of name calling. It's months and it isn't improving. He has been amazingly resilient to have got this far!

He's tried dealing with it by not reacting and it is now time for an adult to step in and deal with it properly.

Schools have robust bullying policies for a very good reason. If it could always be dealt with effectively by children on their own there would be no need for the policies to exist. Sometime the adults need to take responsibility and make the decisions, especially when the victim is this young.

I didn't want the staff to know because I thought it reflected badly on me. I wish someone had noticed and dealt with it for me. I probably would have asked them not to but I would have benefited greatly.

My DD is in year2. When she gets this from any child - verbal or mild physical, we've told her how to react. How to stand up to it so that it stops. Even if it means getting told off for interrupting a lesson or speaking loudly in the play area. She's more confident at 'giving it back' now & rarely has any complaints. But it's slow, and sometimes tempting to go to the teacher - but that hardly helps coz house points are not important to everyone!

Missed the key part - we've taught her to say 'STOP, I don't like it. Don't say/do that thing'. This should be at a raised voice so that it draws attention to the bully. If it doesn't stop then to retaliate in the exact same way (ie push back). If this doesn't work then tell the teacher herself. If that doesn't work then I will intervene. So far it's working.

In year 2 I would definitely have a word with the teacher. You could say that he doesn't want you to so that he/she can be sensitive about it. Ring up the school and ask to speak to her on the phone if necessary.

I think at this age, the bullies may well back down if dealt with by the school.

Mine was very reluctant for me to say anything when her best friend started excluding her. But very relieved when the teacher sorted it out.

Yes resilience is good but I just feel he's not old enough yet to deal with this on his own. I think I would step in myself.

Hi, I have experienced this and so has my DD at both junior school and year 7,8. When it started I waited and then tried speaking to mum of so-called friend which was a mistake (got very aggressive) so would advise against that. Inviting other kids round helped there.
Started again in senior school with kids on bus who were supposed to be friends . Was relentless for 9 months and it was always her they picked on. DH and I told DD to not look upset and try and laugh it off but think she was just feeling too vulnerable to pull it off so we spoke to school who sorted it. (She had however ended up restricting her food intake)
I would not leave it too much longer cos it was really affecting DD's confidence-it's also very draining for you.
The beat bullying advice is to act neutral e.g. one girl still repeatedly has a pop in school and my DD has learnt to respond to "Your handwriting is disgusting" with "yeah my handwriting is untidy" (said in a bored voice).
I think saying you are upset probably just comes across as being vulnerable. DD now feels much stronger and has different friends who appreciate her.
Hope this helps OP and yes I agree that it says more about the bullies and their insecurities than it does about their targets. Oh and I would tell your DS to stand tall and look them in the eye too cos they tend to pick out people who don't look confident.

Thanks - we tried "whatever" with a bored shrug and practiced it. He said it worked for a bit but they now carry on and it's stopped working.

I've made an appointment to see the teacher. We talked tonight and he said he doesn't want to feel sad any more, so we agreed it needs to stop. I don't want to rescue him - I couldn't agree more that resilience matters. But I also want him to know I'm on his side and will back him up.

He does do karate, but cubs is a good idea. He's such a darling - he's really sweet and thoughtful and has lovely friendships with boys outside school. He just doesn't seem to have found his niche at school. He did get off to a very tricky start - lots of health problems and his father walked out when he was a term into reception. So he did spend a lot of time crying and I think the reputation has stuck. The other boys are quite robust and sporty and he just isn't.

Poor little chap...

Poor you Pepe and your DS and DD -you have had a rough time. I hope you get it sorted. Be proud of your DS that he is so lovely.

Make sure you ask the teacher to support him in building friendships with other classmates. Sometimes they just need a little help to get started and then they become part of a little group. That makes the much less vulnerable and a lot happier.

He sounds lovely and I'm sure that with a sensitive intervention this can be dealt with in the right way and save him a lot of heartache.

Ask the teacher to agree a future date for you to meet again to talk about how things are going.

Good advice Goldmandra. A friend of mine who is a teacher advised me to try not to cry when reporting to the teacher cos it changes the focus on to you and you may lose the thread of what you are saying. I kept thinking a random name in my head ( instead of DD's) when I started off and that helped. Jotting down a few notes of timings, what was said and done and who was there was useful too. Good luck