My 7 year old hates me!

[JustinCaseyHowles]

Another nightmare morning before school today! My 7 year old gets herself dressed but will only wear old, used or very stretched pants and particular socks which are pulled up so high they have holes in! When I ask her to brush hair/teeth she moans that I am being horrible to her and hates me and wants to go to breakfast and after-school club to get away from me!

I have looked for advice online and it seems to be intelligent kids who have too much done for them that behave like this - I'm so worried about her self-esteem and think she could be a candidate for self harming when she's older as she gets so angry about every little thing.

This is starting to affect my 5 year old too who is also becoming grumpy, demanding and uncooperative - how can I claw this back to where they are reasonable, polite and just get on with it?!

Does anyone have a similar situation as any advice will be so gratefully received!

So what would she wear if you threw out the old tatty clothes? Why have you kept them?
I downloaded the brushtime app on my phone. It encourages the teeth brushing as it is fun.
How are you reacting when she says she wants to have activities away from you? Does she have any activities outside of school?
What do school say about her?

Thanks BuzzardBird - I have thrown her favourite old stuff out before and she does accept it but she will still get yesterday's pants out of the laundry or stretch them till they're huge bloomers! I will definitely look for the app. I get upset when she says she wants to go away from me but she does do after school club and classes and enjoys them - at school she is quiet and very well-behaved but doesn't have a best friend and I think she can feel quite isolated. Definitely get the feeling she is bottling up feelings and taking it all out on me at home particularly in the mornings.

I'd probably let her get on with the pants thing providing they were not years old etc. ditto the socks . I'd ignore that

I'd also not give any thought to future self harm thoughts.

My 7 year old can be tricky in the mornings so I've introduced a routine. He is always bathed at night so he's clean. In the morning , he's dressed before we come downstairs and his teeth are brushed. I don't fret if they're not brushed to my I standards! So ... Dressed and teeth brushed, he can then eat his breakfast and watch tv etc and he's all done- nothing else to chivvy him up about bar putting shoes on.

I ignore sulky, grumpy behaviour as best I can.

If she is saying to you that she can't wait to go to the club etc then respond positively . They say all sorts of bloody nonsense at this age so don't, whatever you do, show you're upset

I think you have to start to not take what she says so personal. Deal with your feelings first. Maybe get some counselling because this is really worrying to me: "I'm so worried about her self-esteem and think she could be a candidate for self harming when she's older as she gets so angry about every little thing. "
That is a huge leap to make.

Lots of children are very fussy about clothes. In my household we have: given away cardigans that - scratch, taken 20 minutes to put on a pair of socks just right, struggled to get children in coats in winter, struggled to get them out of coats on hot days in summer, struggled to get children to get new shoes.

That both your children are grumpy could mean: you are turning mornings into a misery for them- so try to find more fun ways to do things - I've had dressing races in the past.
OR the younger one is copying the older one, so try to divide and conquer, maybe get the younger one ready before the older one. Reward her for being "good".
OR they both have similar personalities - maybe reading something like Raising your spirited child.

Some clothes just annoy some people, and older clothes are often softer, and can have stretched to be less constrictive. (I struggle with things around my neck, and would struggle to wear a tie or the ruff my DD wears in Choir.)

Thank you for this everyone - I will definitely try to not take it personally and make things into more of a fun challenge getting ready. I can get overwhelmed by both of them moaning at the same time and refusing to put shoes on, etc! I will look up that book immediately, mummytime! Thanks again.

Why is she so attached to particular socks and pants? Just wondering if there is anything else going on, like a sensory issue or something. Would she prefer tights that cover her entire legs for instance? Or perhaps bare legs and sandals in the summer. Perhaps get a new set of identikit socks and pants for school, so that they are interchangeable with minimum fuss.

Otherwise, get all the clothes and bags ready with her, the night before.

I have trouble getting my kids (5 and 6) to dress themselves in the mornings too. It usually ends up with me shouting, in a bad mood, unfortunately. After yet another morning of stress, I'm once again thinking about 'natural consequences' i.e. If they're not ready and dressed by a certain time, then we leave the house in whatever state they happen to be in, and they will have to explain to their teachers and classmates themselves, why they arrived to school in their pyjamas!

Ha ha PassTheSherry! I sometimes wonder if my kids' aim is to get me to the point of hair-tearing when I say they will leave the house in whatever they are wearing too!

My daughter will not wear tights or even trousers so has worn the same two school skirts and home skirts for over a year now - even in the frost and snow! She wears school shoes at the weekends and tried to wear her winter coat on Saturday evening when it was sweltering!

I envy friends whose little girls just put on their clothes and run out to play without all this fuss! I use Ecover fabric conditioner to see if it's a particular skin sensitivity issue but can't help feeling like such a horrible mum taking out a kid dressed in a short skirt, winter coat and school shoes at the weekends - and yes, I know this all seems to be about me!

Think I need to get out of this cycle of negativity as I would celebrate other people's kids who wear unusual stuff - it's just so annoying when time is short and the little one gets in on the act too!

I have a theory on the pants too as my dd is the same age and found her usual style no longer comfortable. I bought her the new boxer type short pants (which all her friends seem to wear too apparently) and because they are loose I don't get any complaints there now.
Getting dressed is normally made into a game too where she either races me to get dressed first or she runs off and gets dressed to 'surprise' me.
I think if it is possible she might benefit by having someone around for tea occasionally? This seems to make DD popular at the time which helps self-esteem. She doesn't have a 'best' friend as such as they tend to change alliance every week, so having different friends around to play helps keep her bonding with a larger group.
I know that my DD just loves to find out what pushes my buttons so I tend not to react to any "I hate you" comments. I usually just calmly comment that she might regret saying that when it comes to something she wants. Rather than show the pain, I show the consequences IYSWIM?
I really would chuck out any holey socks or old pants when you have replaced them as she may start to get teased at school.

Oh, another trick, DD loves to watch tv whilst eating her breakfast so I only allow it to be turned on if she is dressed.

I have a 17 year old who will wear a suit if he has to, otherwise only wears jogging bottoms, t-shirts and a hoody (even if its boiling). I dream of him wearing something vaguely fashionable; and he won't go shopping so I have been trained to only buy the correct style of jogging bottoms.

My youngest moans she only has school shoes, but doesn't wear others, and won't even wear trainers (except when I've worked hard at it over the summer holidays).

I would try to wean her onto clothes that can easily be replicated. So the same knickers from M and S. Try to just buy bigger of the same style. With socks, does she struggle with the seams? This is quite common and seamless socks can be expensive, but apparently Lidl have been known to have them cheaply.

Actually this kind of rigidity can help with getting ready (as they don't have to choose), just as long as you are organised.

You are not alone!

My 7 year old played outside yesterday in pyjama bottoms a t shirt and my slipper boots yesterday. Sigh!

Ok , so the pj bottoms were nice John Lewis ones and my slippers are Boden but hey ... He still looked ridiculous . I let him get on with it ...

I think that you dont have anything to worry about, maybe she is going trough a phase, and will probably be embarrassed of her clothes, when she reach age of 13 :)

Thanks so much, everyone - much better today and I've started reading Raising a Spirited Child and it has made me see her stubbornness in a more positive light - she's tenacious!