Caththerese1973, all I can say is that dd 2.11 is exactly like this. Since 2 months ago, she was still being wheeled down to sleep everynight in a buggy. So actually allowing herself to go down to sleep with dh and I next to her is already a massiave improvement!
My dd will do things for other people she would not do for me. I totally understand about her going to sleep by herself for your ex dp. Dd will do that at nursery and for her grandma but would go into apoplexy if I tried to make her do that at home.
On the sleep front, I don't think you are messing her head. If she needs more TLC from her mother to go to sleep, then unless you can't continue to do so (in my case, I am expecting No.2 in a few weeks so let's see), I would just go with it. That's what mothers are there for?
As for the getting dressed and brushing hair, my dd must be the only one in the nursery with matted hair, crusty eyes and clothes she was in yesterday, not to mention unkempt nails. The few tricks I have are to try and comb (ie unmatt) her hair before she wakes. If possible, have her in as much of the next days' clothes the night before (yes, forget pajamas) and if all else fails, just leave her in what she is! So long as she is covered in terms of modesty, so what if she
Having said that, I have forced her into knickers, trousers, tops before, when necessary. Or if she takes them off, I just leave the room in a huff and do my own thing. She will get hysterical at some point and give in. Some days are better than others.
If possible, get someone else to get her dressed. eg she is marginally better for dh than me. If she can dress herself/comb her hair, ask her if she would prefer to do it herself.
Needless to say, give yourself loads of lead time if you need to get somewhere for a specific time. Sympathies.