Anxious and emotional 5 year old DS

[alwayswantchocolate]

I have a bit of a problem with my DS who is now 5 and in Foundation year at school.

For the first two terms, it went very well. He settled in easily, made friends, has done well academically and at his last 'parents consultation' a few weeks before the Easter holidays we were told that he'd improved his confidence, was joining into large group discussions, was in the top sets for everything and we should be very proud.

Something seems to have changed. When he went back after the Easter holidays he was very tearful and anxious. From the first day back, he was worrying about silly things like "is xyz in my book bag", "I'm going to be late!" (when he wasn't), "how will I know when I need another reading book" etc. All delivered in a tearful high pitched voice. We were reassuring and thought it was because it was the start of term. But instead of getting better, it's getting worse. He's tearful and clingy at school and having meltdowns about the slightest thing (meltdowns is the word his teacher has used) like some children handed in a form yesterday to say they could go on the one hour outing next week (which doesn't need to be in until next week) and I hadn't filled it in for that day as I hadn't had time. Or someone picked up his water bottle by mistake.

Now it's the same on the way home in the car. I pick him up from the childminder and she says something like "He's been fine here, eaten his tea and played nicely with the other children. But his teacher told me he was tearful all day at school." He'll seem fine but on the way home in the car he'll start off again with the anxiety. "my teacher told me I needed to dress myself but I can't get my jumper on" or "I couldn't do a forward roll in PE" which is followed by floods of tears. We repeatedly tell him that these things are fine / PE isn't important / he's good at football so not to worry about forward rolls, or whatever reassurance is required. Last night he cried five times between getting home at 5.30 and going up to bed at 7pm about various silly things. But it isn't just in the evening so I don't think it's over-tiredness. This morning, his balloon had deflated a bit from last night. This resulted in him bursting into tears. It started off just being about school stuff but now seems to be spilling out into everyday life.

We've also had some major tantrums the last few weekends. Again over something silly but a full on tantrum of screaming and being very hard to calm down.

I'm at my wits end as the reasons for the tears are all ridiculous (to me) but it's jarring on everybody as it's like walking on egg shells. He's always been quite a quiet boy and a bit sensitive but nothing like on the scale of the last few weeks.

I've made an appointment to go and see his teacher before school tomorrow to talk it through with her. I'm also taking him to see the GP tonight about something totally unrelated but I'm wondering if I should mention the anxiety to him.

There are other things going on in the background (my mum is terminally ill) but that has been the case since last August and all he knows is that nanny is unwell and there have been no changes in that respect over the past few months. I dare say he realizes things are very different but as I say, no change of late to have triggered any behavioural issues.

I'm stumped and I don't know what to do! If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it...

I think tiredness may well be a factor, they do get exhausted by the Summer term, and he is very small still. But I would address what might have changed in his class, it might be a seemingly small thing to you or his teacher, but be really bothering him . A new child being unfriendly, friendships shifting, him getting told off for something small or feeling embarrassed in some way. My elder dd went to pieces in year 1, but as it was from the start of the class it was slightly easier to work it out, in her case she was terrified of her teacher, and her TA (who was really quite nasty to the children), she was being bullied by another child, and it was all a shock after the loveliness of her reception class. Her anxiety was assessed along with possible Aspergers etc, as she is super clever. It was a nightmarish time for us tbh. In the end the diagnosis was extreme anxiety. By then she was having nightmares, crying every morning and having to be prised off me at drop off. We took her out, and home schooled the rest of that year, then started her in another school. She got massively less anxious in the month or so after we removed her, but it really took a year or so to properly subside and even now she is nine (she was 5 then) her default setting is anxious, although in every other way she is a very cheerful child and happy at school. Is your Ds very bright? Sometimes clever children over-think everything and can be prone to anxiety and stress. He sounds very sensitive so maybe other boys throwing their weight around, something small like that, might be really upsetting him. I think the general anxiety is because something in school is fundamentally stressful for him at the moment, and once you can pinpoint and resolve that, his anxiety will subside. My dd is more anxiety prone when tired too.

I had somehow not reached the bit about your mother. I am so sorry. My dds have had a lot of death in the past two years (my dad among others) and that did impact on both of them, my then five year old dd2 had the most horrendous meltdowns for months and months. In the end it was just talking to her that seemed to shift things, but it was a direct result of the fear and emotional stress of illness and death. Your DS is probably picking up far more of the emotional stuff to do with your Mum's illness than you realise, he may have fears and worries he isn't sure how to express, certainly that was the cause of my younger child's distress, she is fine now, but she is rather a conduit for emotional turmoil, she is very sensitive and tends to bury things and not want to talk about them, so they erupt instead.

Hi Hellymelly, thank you for your reply. Yes, my DS is very bright. And I expect he does over think things.

I hope that I can shed some light when I see his teacher in the morning. I think his teacher is ok, although I've only met her 3 times, but my childminder who does his drop off/pick up isn't keen on his teacher at all... but I don't think his teacher is unkind in any way. But I know what you mean, a small reprimand could have been blown out of proportion in his head.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad.

Yes the thing about my mum. She is by sight clearly not the same (wears a wig, put on lots of weight due to steroids, struggles to hold a conversation with the kids - she has a brain tumour) but he now only sees her for half an hour twice a week so isn't exposed to much. It is different for him as he went to her one day a week until she became ill last August (that one day a week would have stopped in Sept anyway when he started school). He didn't react to the change at all at the time and has asked no questions (which surprised me) apart from to ask me if I felt sad that my mummy was poorly (that's all we've said - that nanny is poorly so we can't be loud around her).

I'd be surprised if this has just escalated for him now though... or maybe it has...

Mine get terribly upset if they are ever told off, now particularly my younger who has just turned 7. I think his brightness may be a huge part of it, as things that might go over children's heads usually, he is pehaps picking up on, but being to small to put things into context. He may be hyper aware of many different things going on at once around him. When my elder dd had her Ed Psych assesment , the EP said that it was like chatting with an adult friend, and that DD was very out of synch with her peer group, in terms of language and general awareness, but at the same time was such a little girl, and that was causing her problems. Very clever children can have quite a rough ride generally, if they are also sensitive and highly strung. There are big negatives along with the positives!

He does get upset when we tell him off as he wants to please and is a perfectionist. And yes it is often like talking to an adult when we have conversations... guess I now need to get to the bottom of what's sparked this off. Our reassurances about his concerns clearly isn't hitting the mark.

My dds are perfectionists too, it is hard! I wonder if he may be very attuned to your worry and sadness about your Mum, or he may have overheard something that has worried him? If there is also something that has upset him in school then I can see why he would have been a bit derailed by it all. He might be very bothered by the changes in your Mum but not want to upset you by saying anything, he sound a kind little boy. I am sorry you are having such a stressful time. It is impossible to protect children from everything, sadly.