Toddler frightened of other children

[aturtlenamedmack]

Hi everyone,
I was hoping for some advice on my 2.5yo ds.
I know that toddlers often don't show much interest in playing with other children until 3ish, but ds seems afraid to be near other little ones.
At playgroup he has become clingy, won't play on shared equipment and gets very upset if another child tries to interact with him, even in a friendly way.
He also freezes if another child sits near us on the bus or in a cafe - he really does freeze, for minutes at a time, won't move, is on the verge of tears, looks at the floor and won't lift his gaze.
I'm not sure what to do, I feel like the more I comfort and reassure, the more this is fuelled, as if he is reassured that he is right to be scared. On the other hand, I hate to see him frightened and distressed (and he is genuinely distressed) and feel that just leaving him to it would be cruel. Can anyone help?

My DD (2.8) is similar. She is so confident in a familiar situation with children she knows but in a strange place it is so different. She holds on to me, wants me to hold her hand while she plays and goes to do something else if other children come and join in with what she is doing. I try to reassure, but she seems unable to explain why she is suddenly being so shy - in direct contrast to her usual non-stop chattering. I tend to start off helping her and withdraw to our more usual distance once she warms up - doesn't always work, and she will still run over to me if older kids come and interfere with her games/personal space/something...

Thanks Fruli, it's reassuring to know that its not just ds. I'll try slowly withdrawing, it sounds like a good compromise.
ds has had very little experience with other children, he's the only lo in the family and I don't have many friends with young children. We've done our best to go to tots as much as possible, but this is a fairly new thing, he didn't used to mind. It's as if he's just started to notice the other children really!

my DD (now 4) was the same at that age. she was fine with older children but seemed terrified of children her own age. She grew out of it just before she went to nursery at 3.5. I think you just have to leave them to it and don't turn it into a big issue.

We have a similar problem with our 2 year old DD, except she's always been like this. Refuses to play on anything when we're away from home unless I go with her, and freaks out if another child comes near her. Mega clingy at any toddler groups or soft play. So whilst I feel your pain, I am also glad it's not just my DD!!
I think once she goes to pre-school things will be different, at least I hope they will!! I find it really stressful and I do worry about it, but I suppose we can't change the people they are.

Your post could have described my DS1 at the same age. I found it quite stressful to deal with as all of his friends were really sociable! He is 4.3 now and things are loads better, but he is still far from being the life and soul of his pre school...

Things that worked for us-

Going to the same groups and activities every week so they became really familiar.
Modelling social behaviour. So if a child came over then I would engage with them and play alongside them for a short while, while DS stood frozen beside me with his eyes closed.
I initiated lots of role play games at home with his cuddly toys, based on play group type situations.
Reading books about going to pre school etc (in a bid to prepare him for starting his 15 free hours. There is a good one by Joy Berry called I Love Pre School. Also I Love My Friends.
When he started pre school I made a huge effort to befriend other mums/carers and arrange play dates. This has helped loads. He starts school in September and will know and be friends with at least half his class already. As I said before, he still isn't the most outgoing or confident child, but he now runs to join in games at the park with his friends - when he was 2.5 I could never imagine that happening.

Sorry for the essay!