Basic parenting of 8.5yr old ds....I think I'm going wrong somewhere.....?

[bramblina]

I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill here, ds is not a problem as such, but I just wonder have I missed something here....Ds has very recently become moody, moaney, unhappy, cheeky, wind his younger sister up to try to get her in to trouble, will do simple chores but nothing too strenuous, only tidies his room when asked and told what is out of place, takes AGES to do his homework, blah blah blah I don't want to go on.

I also don't want to get depressed but I do feel like I think we're not doing a very good job of this parenting malarkey just now. Dh and I talk about it, we discipline him, he has priviledges removed etc and is given chores but they don't seem to make much difference, we're just hit with the same cheeky attitude again a week later. Don't get me wrong it's not rude or arrogant or sweary etc it's just not what he used to be and I don't like it. I'm struggling to get my point across here, I think. I have to ask him 3 times to do something and then it's either a problem or it doesn't get done right.

Dh works away 5 days a week so I'm on my own with the 3 los and it is hard so I try to be firm and dh does support me but it's so hard.
He started his homework tonight a 2 page spelling sheet, normal stuff) at 7.40 (he had been out until 7.20pm) and I told him it should be done by 8.10. I sat near him drinking a cup of tea, he did a bit then faffed and talked and faffed and wasted time so I said I'm going through to the living room as I'm getting cross now. He followed me and I told him to go back through....cue stomping back through and humpf. 20 mins later I went through, he was plating with something but quickly put it back and got on, I sat donw with him to encourage him, he faffed, he leaned on me, said he couldn't do it, I said fine leave it till tomorrow. I sent him off to get ready for bed, 10 mins later he came through after being reminded it's now after 9pm, with chocolate round his mouth. I asked had he been eating chocolate, he said he'd had an oreo which he got while he was doing his homework and ate it just now in his bedroom, he was ow hungry and wanted something to eat, I said why didn't you tell me this earlier? He said he thought I'd be cross which of course I wouldn't and I explained, again, that it's too late to be telling me at bedtime that he's hungry, at which he stormed off and brushed his teeth.
I tucked him in to bed, chatted about tomorrow, said goodnight. I've just gone back through just now at 10.20pm as he had shouted to ask me to tuck him in again and found the Beano next to his bed which was not there when I'd tucked him in the first time, he's been reading it until now.
There's no way I've got the full story across here, I'm better with actions than words but hopefully you know what I mean....? Where am I going wrong? Please don't judge or criticise I'm not here for that I'm here to ask if you have an 8yo ds is this normal? I thought it was girls who got moody when they hit their teens.....maybe I've got that coming also.................

Sounds totally normal and totally not worth stressing over to me.

From now until he's 11 and you give him a bit of freedom he will push boundaries and be irritating. I was very irritating and very very cheeky. DD2 wanted the world to revolve around her and could be very annoying.

Honestly all you can do is ignore what can be ignored, be firm about what can't be ignored (and have the wisdom to tell the difference - sister baiting is strictly forbidden, HW is encouraged and bedtime isn't worried about. I wouldn't 'see' the Beno) and as much love hugs and feeling in charge of their own life's as possible is given.

Most of all - try not to nag about petty things, schools do a huge amount of it, DCs hate it. They hate the feeling of being forced to grow up, stop having afternoon break, do HW, write more, no fun, BUT still be treated as little children.

The more you can avoid being an extension of school the better.

Yup sounds like my dd 8.5 as well. With homework my rule is an hour to mess about after school then homework, I don't sway from this unless it's swimming/skating night and she does it without complaining now.
As PP said pick your battles, at least I'm getting some practice in before she hit the teens.

Thank you both, this is what I need to hear. I need some basic guidelines. Need to set down stronger ground rules. The juggling is hard though, dd is 5 and babe is 1.5 and as dh is away, when the 2 older ones come in from school it is tricky, esp the homework as I cannot have dinner too late for the baby...grrr.
I would appreciate anyone else's words of wisdom? Experience even more so!!!

I have an 8 year old dd and we have a routine after school of snack and 30 minutes play then homework. I find if it goes any later she is just switched off and it takes ages. I think homework at 7pm is too late.

Personally, he sounds delightful. Tidies his room when asked reading the Beano Brushes his teeth Does chores

children do get hungry before bed, it seems to be a stage that sneaks up on you. Supper isn't enough, they seem to need an extra little snack before bed - could be something like cheese and apple or bread and butter or glass of milk/cereal.

I would keep praising him and showing you rely on him because he is so helpful and cheerful (rather than criticising any aspect of his behaviour) schedule a little extra snack, leave homework to first thing in morning if he comes in late (after all homework at this age is not really as important as you might be led to believe by teachers - I say this as parent of two 12 year olds and a 14 year old) Mine often were brighter for doing their homework first thing in the morning (spellings, sentences type)

Thank you. He is delightful, actually, I just adore him. I think my problem is he is changing so much from wonderful to perhaps, typical, and I didn;t see it coming. In contrast, it's not good but in reality, it's normal.

I appreciate all of your comments, and am trying to change my outlook, this is what's difficult, it's hard not to get repetitive and obsessed about things which don't actually matter. I am definitely a petty person, I have to admit that. It's not a nice trait.

I definitely praise my children lots, too much perhaps, but I also do pick up on too much- I am stopping that. I will ignore more things which do not matter, and I will put a lid on homework. I am honest with his teacher and have the confidence to say we just couldn't achieve this this week, not possible. To be fair, we're up at 7, bus at 8. He doesn't get home till 4, one night we have swimming lessons (not home till 7) so that only leaves 3 other nights, it can be hard.

Thank you all.

Always open to more suggestions....I love listening to people with experience.

my 8 year old gets worse when he is tired. He. seems to need resetting with a really calm boring Saturday doing nothing more exciting than lolling on the sofa listening to an audio book or playing Lego. Is then good to go again for a full on sporty week.
However we still can't do late nights to often.still being up at 9 pm is a really late night for D's.

I've got a DS the same age and agree with other posters that 8pm is really late to be doing homework. Could you fit it in in the morning if he has an activity so can't do it earlier?