I need to change whatever it is i'm doing or not doing that is creating this dynamic

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Dcs are boys aged 5 and almost 9. I'm a lone parent but boys spend every other weekend with their dad and step mum. (Just to give background)

I am sick of the fighting and tattle tales, Whinging and petty squabbles.

This isnt just because they are off school. This is daily. (I can hear youngest squealing and yelling something angrily as i type) we dont go a day without this ridiculous behaviour and i verr between getting enraged at it and exploding, sending both to their separte rooms and threatening to ban X, Y and Z or else i just dont have the energy to deal with it so i ignore it and let them fight it out.

I have banned play fighting because without fail one or both will get hurt. They still do it. They still get hurt and then come crying to me about it. (Ha! They've both just come down crying because they were play fighting and hurt each other)

I'm fed up. Fed up refereeing. Fed up with days out being ruined due to squabbling and me shouting. Fed up with the contant atmosphere.

I know siblings will fight but this is horrible. I dont want them to have the same non existent relationship as i now have with my sister.

For full disclosure- there are time when they play well and happliy and appear to actually enjoy each other but it is nowhere near as much as the fighting and squabbling.

I don't really have any words of advice, I just wanted you to know someone was listening
I agree you need to get it sorted, I have a friend (also lone parent) whose two boys fight incessantly, to the point where I have had to refuse to look after them both at the same time as I couldn't deal with it
Is it a recent development? Is it related to your divorce, as in, did it start at around the same time as divorce or SM appearing on the scene? Are there any triggers? Have you spoken to ExH about it and what are his strategies?

Hi thank you for replying.

Separated 3.5 years ago and step mum arrived a couple of months after. Youngest was only 18 months so tbh he doesnt remember exp living with us. Eldest has always been a bit jealous of ds2 which i really try to counteract with lots of one to one time and reminding him how unique he is and special to me. Really i cant pin point a time when this got bad, and nothing that i can think of that triggered it apart from ds2 getting big enough to be able to play with ds1 and ds1 not always wanting to let him.

Exp is not really helpful. He says he just shouts at them and thinks i'm too soft on them (it doesnt feel like that to me). Although shouting has become normal for me, i dont think it should be. I want to get through the day without having to shout to get my point across.

Are there regular flash points that get them like this, or particular times of day? It may help you find a strategy to manage one by one. ( My mum used to put a barrage of cereal packets between my brother & I at the breakfast table, we'd read the backs & not be mean to each other! )

Could you find some activities where you could play against them, or them on the same team? Or perhaps get the older one to teach the younger one how to do something he's good at? It may help them find alliance & feel more connected?

Have you talked to them about it all? Maybe if you all decide on some house rules, including them deciding on some might help. I beg they hate you shouting as much as you do. You're a family & the older one will certainly get that you need to work together.

My ds is only little, so I've never done any of this, but this is what I'd try if I were you.

I would recommend reading "How to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" and then one of their other books "Siblings without rivalry" incredibly helpful.

Two things that stood out to me:
Treating them fairly does not equeal treating them the same
Most important thing to do is to listen to them and not criticise the feelings that they share.

My younget two are going through a hideous phase, time for me to reread the books!!!!!

Thanks both of you. Lots of great advice to put into practise. I love the cereal box distraction. That is so clever!

I'm not sure of what are flashpoints other than me leaving a room. It can be as simple as that. Nothing wrong and then i go to the toilet and all hell breaks loose. Ds1 definitely likes to get his own way when it comes to tv programmes/playstation or games they play in their rooms. Because ds2 is younger he is easy to 'trick' into giving ds1 the upper hand and then he gets frustrate when he realises he isnt getting fair treatment from his brother.

Thanks for those book recommendations- i will get them ordered and in the meantime try and sit down with them and talk about how to get on better