3 year old DS is so angry, is this normal?

[SylvanMuldoon]

DS has just turned 3 and his behaviour is driving me to despair! I have never known a child like him and I am at a loss as to how to parent him or handle his rages.

He's worst when he is ill (which feels like all the bloody time) and he flips out at the slightest thing. When he is not like this he is funny, engaging and loving but when he loses it he is so violent and out of control, both DH and I are sporting bruises as a result. A couple of months ago he lunged for me and bit me on the thigh and I still have the bruise now, it actually looks like it may scar.

His tantrums are epic, he screams like a child possessed and lashes out, I regularly get smacked in the face and it's really starting to get to me now. We also have a 4 week old and I am dreading DH going back to work next week.

We use time out but it doesn't seem to make much difference to be honest and I recently read 'How to talk to kids will listen' which seemed to be helping and his behaviour improved slightly, then he got ill again and it's back to square one!

He goes to nursery 3 mornings a week and a childminder once a week and is fine there and behaves normally. It's just at home that he is uncontrollable. We are fairly laid back as people but find we end up shouting at him which isn't ideal but don't know what else to do.

Any advice much appreciated. I just want to run away right now and feel like the crappest mum in the world.

What do you do when he lashes out? Do you put him in his room to calm down when at home? I love the book you mention but it never works for me when dd is tired or really misbehaving, it's more useful for nipping in the bud when she wants to be good but wants her own way. When I'm out I take things away or go home if she's misbehaving. Sounds really tough, interested to see what advice you get.

Ah I see you say time outs. Perhaps he has to stay there until he apologises and is ready to behave. For hitting we also take things away as well as time out - just getting her to say sorry and timing out wasn't having any effect.

I'm sorry to say that yes, tempers like this are "within the realms of normal" My DD has just turned 6, and has been farily stable, temper wise, for about 6 months. Before then, she was just as you've described except she was violent in school as well. We were called in at least once a week. She's punched and bitten, poked a child in the arm with a pencil, and even jabbed a child in the face with a fork it is so hard to deal with, and I even broke down in front of her teacher as I was at my wits end

All I can tell you is that it DOES get easier. The temper does pass. It won't feel like it right now but you're not the only one.

You're right in saying that shouting back doesn't help, if anything it makes them worse. Teacher told us that a lot of "I..." sentences help(I understand that you're angry. I know its hard to control ourselves sometimes, etc), and we did notice a difference. But mostly it was just time, and waiting for her to mature a little and learn a bit of self control

You're not alone, behaviour does sound pretty extreme though and really hard work.

I find walking away from my girl (who has taken to clawing my face if I pick her up mid tantrum) and showing no emotion helps, I can see she's looking for me to get cross with a glint in her eye

Telling her off or shouting just seems to prolong the rage here. If she has thrown a toy for example, I would take it away from her.

I repeat endlessly 'we don't hit/kick' etc and 'because it hurts and it's not nice' when she starts the why why why's and always encourage her to say sorry and have a cuddle.

In my experience biting my tongue and not shouting (as much as I feel like doing so) helps the most as of course she is learning and copying my reactions.

I think the key thing here is the four week old. Have you tried lots of attachment activities to reform that bond with him?

I agree with not shouting, that's why when I'm at home i put her in her room as it lets us both cool down.

Thanks for the replies I feel better for reading them as we are doing most of these already, time out, removing toys, putting in his room to calm down Tec. I agree about the staying calm, it's so hard to be cool in the face of a toddler trying to attack you but I know it is so important!

We are just living in the hope that he will eventually grow out of it if we stay consistent.

Re the new baby, he was like this even before she arrived but I'm very interested in re-attachment, any suggestions on how to do this?

I also think all these tactics gradually work over time, perhaps not that much in the specific instance. Dd's been a lot better the more towards 3.5 she's got and she tantrums for less time as she does now know exactly what the result will be.

Physical intimacy is a big part. Intentional, tender contact throughout the day. Skin to skin contact is great. Bath time helps.

Dedicated time when your attention isn't shared. 20 minute bursts the times a day if you can manage it. Turn your phone off, turn the telly off and focus on just them.

There is loads of stuff about attachment parenting a toddler and rebonding but you are looking for stuff like this: attachmentparenting.org/blog/2010/02/11/toddler-ten-commandments/

It has some good suggestions about how you change your vocabulary. Hope this helps.