I don't know how to discipline 9yo dd

[olaflikeswarmhugs]

Dd is changing and I don't know what to do with her . She's always needed lots of reassurance and she's been a nervous worrier but generally well behaved . But lately she has been refusing point blank to do certain things .

She has a history of glue ear and it seems to be resurfacing so gp had put her on a weeks course of ear drops . I've had them since Saturday but I've yet to manage to get them in her ears . Apparently she's "scared" despite having had these drops in the past and put them in no bother .she doesn't go out to play so I can't ground her . I can't stop her from going to her activities because it took me years to get her to actually go to things .

No netter how encouraging/reassuring I and no matter how I dress it up and make a game of it etc etc she finds a reason not to do it or a way to stall or just point blank refuses to do it .

She has gained the power and I really don't know how to get it back .

I'm in a similar but longer term position with my DD age10. I am reading 10 days to a less defiant child. It's brilliant and works for me and my DD who often point blank refuses to do things inc take medicine she has taken before

So if it was us I would say something along the lines of 'DD I can't force you to have the ear drops but I want you to understand that they will help with your glue ear. It's your choice to take them or not but if you choose not to I don't want you to complain about xyz and you can explain to the doc why you didnot take them at our review appointment on xyz. I will leave the drops in the kitchen let me know if you change your mind.

Then leave it or repeat if she kicks off etc etc.

Thanks I will try that now but I'm not sure it will work . She's a very strong willed child and she can have a very "don't care" attitude so if I said those things she would be like "fine I will tell the doctor then" and she would ! She has a lot of qualities that will benefit her as an adult but makes her a nightmare !!

I've tried to tell her that it's ok to be scared but it's not ok to not do as she's told . I've tried the "mum and dad would never make you do these things if they weren't for your benefit/keep you healthy" I've tried the firm approach as in never mind arguing just get over here to I put then in

I'm really ready to lose my temper with her and I don't want that to happen

I know this is a very different age but I have this with my four nearly five year old. Hers is very bad wax build up and has affected her speech development with certain letter blends. I've lost my temper, tried bribery, making it a game, star charts etc and it's just a bloody nightmare!

The things it Kelly she was an outpatient at ENT for years she had grommets in she's had umpteen hearing tests and her ears looked in so many times , she's had these exact drops before , but yet now she's "scared" to get them in !!

I kind of understand where she is coming from. The years of treatment you describe could have made her scared. My experience is years of dental treatment and whereas I used to be quite relaxed about it, the more treatment I have, the more worried I get. The dentist says its perfectly normal for someone who's had the amount of treatment I've had.

If the "your choice" thing doesn't work, does she have any gadgets you could confiscate?

No she doesn't have a phone or iPad or anything but we do have a household iPad so I suppose I could prohibit use of that .

I see what your saying but it's not just with the ear drops it's everything . The ear drops is just the latest ordeal .

I would try bribery! sweets, magazines, extra mins on tv, later bedtime...
DD1 is 9 (she is a bit special though) I would give her the choice of not putting the drop and going to bed early (with her little sister) or putting them in and staying up to watch Masterchef.
She also does better when she is in control. Have you taught her how to do it herself?

Another example :

She had a tooth that was wobbly forever and the adult tooth behind it was getting neglected while brushing because she was "scared" to wobble the tooth . So now the wobbly one is out the adult tooth has a bit of bulls up on it so I wanted to take her for a scale it polish . Again point blank refusing because she is "scared" .

On Saturday night I told her she could stay up late if she put them in . She chose to go to bed . I've also asked if she wants to put them in herself she said no .

Honestly I'm not exaggerating when I say I've exhausted every option but she will not give in !

Maybe you could suggest that if she continues to refuse you will take her to the practice nurse to have them administered - this may embarrass her enough to let you do it or if not the practice nurse might be able to reassure you. Or bribery - some agreed amount of extra pocket money per dose she takes nicely?

Tricky.

sneak them in whilst she sleeps?

I am not sure if this is really a discipline issue as such. If she’s stalling then it sounds like anxiety, and if it’s anxiety then you can’t use threats because threats will raise her general anxiety which will only make her less likely to try the drops. (And it might make her more anxious about seeing the doctor or nurse in future.)

Given that bribery hasn’t worked, I can think of one other thing to try:
If she can physically put the drops in by herself, then give her the bottle to keep and back right off. Tell her it’s up to her and you know she can do it. (Don’t ask if she wants to do it herself, of course she doesn’t! ) Don’t ask whether she’s done it or not. Because a lot of anxious kids are more confident when they don’t have a concerned adult hanging over them or doing things for them. Maybe even let her talk to the doctor by herself, like a grown-up.

It does sound a bit as if anxiety is an issue for your DD in itself?

It's definitely rooted in anxiety I think . She has had anxiety issues in the past . But lately she's been different like she's playing on it and using it as an excuse , as in if she says she's scared or another favourite "but I just don't know what it's like" then I point out she's done it before so I get "but that was ages ago I've forgotten" will excuse her from having to do it .

Good point about anxiety. My dd gets like this over nail cutting at the moment - refuses to let us any where near in case we accidentally cut her finger which has never happened. After days of bribery/ threats failing I finally found a solution - found a meditation sound track on you tube and did a sort of yoga relaxing routine with her. This relaxed her enough to let me do her nails. Took a lot of patience on my part though - 15/20 mins of soothing music and relaxing yoga teacher talk, stroking her arms and hands, letting her touch the blade etc from me then she let me do them with no fuss. She was amazed and now requests to have them done this way.

Wow, goanddosomework, if I had to go through that to cut DD's nails they would be even worse than they are. As it is, I take the tough line (and then delegate actually doing it to DH).

I'm with the it's not a discipline issue but anxiety / control. Back off, give her the control and empowerment to make a descion and let her deal with the consequences of that - not discipline ones but reduced hearing, explaining to the docs etc etc.

And repeat on all issues if possible. She

Sorry posted to soon. She will learn that actually you speak sense and mum is often right!

I think you have to leave it for a bit, get her to be less stressed then talk again about what the issue is. Maybe do this in the car where you can't suddenly spring putting the ear drops in on her.
What is the worst that might happen? What is she worried about? Pain, temperature, after effects, how it will make her feel? What will happen if she doesn't use them? Is there an alternative (you might want to check with the GP/Pharmacy about this)?

I do know where you are coming from, and your DD is getting too old for you to be able to just "do" things to her.

It isn't a discipline problem and don't listen to those who say it is. Some children just feel things more.
I had an attempt to get my DD to get her feet measured at the weekend. She wanted new shoes. I said she had to get her feet measured first. She refused. I tried some persuasion, then we just moved on.
For the Dentist I have to give her plenty of warning and clear ideas of the behaviour I want, and a bribe. She is 10.

stealthsquiggle it was a last resort after 3 days of trying everything else all of which results in her pulling her fingers away so we couldn't get to them and cut safely. They were way too long to be safe. Reasoning, explaining the dangers of long nails getting bent back, suggesting she did it herself, bribery, threats all failed. The relaxation part prior to cutting has got shorter and hopefully we will soon be able to more or less eliminate it.

GoAndDo what exactly is it you do with your dd ? I think my dd would benefit from that in general I think I will try something like this with her

olaflikes I found a random meditation track on you tube - just type meditation music in the search and choose a long one! Sat in our bedroom on the bed so would be a peaceful place. Told her to close her eyes and talked calmly telling her to take deep breaths in and out slowly, I described each part of her body relaxing and also stroked her face, arms and hands saying things like feel your worries drifting away. Once she was relaxed I let her just hold the scissors promising not to do anything with them. Then got her just to feel the blade again promising not to do anything until she was ready. Then continuing with the getting her to breathe in and out deeply she let me cut her nails. We just did it again tonight and took much less time to get her relaxed and let me do it.

Hope that makes sense - I was just copying the kind of stuff they do at the end of yoga classes.