Struggling to cope with my almost 2 year old

[Salemcatsmummy]

I'm mum to an almost 2 year old lively curious boy, and whilst he can be funny and amazing, I'm finding that I don't look forward to spending any time with him, cos he's so demanding and tantrum prone. I feel like on my day off from work I am a prisoner in my own house as if I try to take him anywhere he just creates mayhem. Recently he's had to go to a hospital appointment and despite there being lots of toys and other children to play with he insists on noisily moving furniture or running about going to rooms he's not supposed to. if we go out for lunch he strops about and throws everything on the floor. if we need to pick anything up from the shops even if its for him like shoes he throws massive tantrums. If I take him to soft play he runs me ragged trying to get behind the counter or onto the older areas. Its got the the point that I feel like I don't know if I love him anymore, I've even started staying late at work so he'll be in bed by the time I get home. I often wish I'd never had him. Its making me depressed and low, I feel like such a bad mum as I should be able to control him better. whilst I have lots of friends with kids of similar age, none are quite so out of control as him. Any suggestions how to combat his behaviour but still get things done that need doing? How do I rebond with him?

That is absolutely the worst age for that sort of behaviour. We went through a phase of not taking DS to restaurants, even though he had been great previously. Now he is an older two year old he is fine in restaurants again. It will pass as he starts to understand more and want to play with other children.

Agree with Soloman - it'll pass. In the meantime, I wonder if he's worked out it gets your attention? Can you lavish lots and lots of praise/attention when he's being calmer so that he's not getting more of you when he's being a handful?

As hard as it is I think it's all totally normal for this age... and I know how awful it can make you feel. I have two dc one is 11 years old and I worked full time as a single parent when she was a toddler and very demanding and at times I felt like running away and not coming back. It did get better though and now I also have ds 22 months who is at this stage now!

Things that help me ...

1. Reins. Everyday every time we go out. Means i won't lose him and he can't fall flat on his face. Stops him grabbing everything and anything.

1. Good pushchair. If we go into shops he has to go into the pushchair with a drink and a snack, either some fruit or a biscuit.

1. I lower my expectations. I don't expect to go shopping unless it's to one or two shops max and I make sure most of the trip is geared towards him - walking lots, looking in windows, looking at plants, sitting down eating something blah blah.

1. I don't eat out unless it's a quick coffee in Costa during which he is like a ticking time bomb until he's had enough. Ditto for pizza express if I'm feeling brave. Otherwise forget it.

1. I have a strict routine. He naps 2 hours a day in his cot in the dark. If he doesn't he is a raging ball of tantrum. So I always without fail make sure I am home for his nap. Whatever I am doing. So I don't go out for a whole day (he won't sleep in the buggy or car). I go out before his nap so he is tired and will sleep.

1. Lots of walking. As much as possible. We walk and talk and he picks up every single bloody leaf and I say ooooo and ahhhhh and look and sound amazed :)

It's hard. Really hard. But you're not doing anything wrong. Toddlers are just difficult. But they do get better. I promise. My 11 year old doesn't even want to know me anymore. ...boo hoo. At least my 2 year old thinks I'm awesome.

I agree about reins and pushchair. No way i would go to dr appt without pushchair. Due to waiting times etc and the safety of their equipment.
Actually agree with all fairylea said except we do eat out. Dd trapped in highchair as she loves her food.

YY reins and pushchair!

It's awful, and so restricting. I remember it so well with dc1. I'd got used to having a coffee with friends or whatever, and suddenly none of it was doable. It is a phase though, and it will pass.

Ps I have 4 DCs now, and the youngest is at this stage. It's not my favourite part either, but 4, 6 and 8 year olds all have many many advantages!

Oh, and exercise. At least twice a day and lots of it. A bit like a Labrador.

DS is two tomorrow and all this is veeeery familiar! Throwing things, smacking me (luckily he doesn't do that to other people, just me...) running off, shouting, tantrums etc. He won't wear his reins anymore so I've started taking the pushchair out with me again so I can trap him and at least he's contained even if he's screaming... He's not too bad in restaurants if the food arrives pretty quickly, but he's terrible in cafés where he's not eating a meal as as far as he's concerned we've trapped him for no reason! However it is slightly improving as his language develops, we've still got a long way to go before my life is relaxing again but things are better than they were, say 2 months ago. Don't lose hope x

DS1 is 2.7 and he's just (I hope) starting to come through this phase. From what I've seen of friends kids I think maybe it's worse/ more common with boys? They need lots of exercise - difficult when you can't reasonably contain them. So although pushchairs are essential beware of leaving them in one for a large part of the day. Can you take him swimming? I find that wears mine out fabulously without requiring a lot of running from me. Also agree with pp that expectations must be lowered. My DS also naps 2hrs a day and is a nightmare if he doesn't. I wouldn't dream of starting a lunch out after 12:30 because he'll have a meltdown before you get to eat anything. My usual routine is morning we have an outing geared to him, followed by lunch then nap at home, then afternoon is for chores or spent at home with drawing, books, puzzles etc and maybe a play in the garden. But he is getting better and the tantrums are fewer with each passing month.

As for how to re-bond with him, have you tried a story or something after bath before bed when he's a bit calmer? Those can be precious moments and help you end the day well. Speak to your HV at his 2yr check and ask for advice on his behaviour. Is he getting enough exercise/ stimulation during the week? They really are like Labradors! And final thing is maybe take a careful look at what he eats/ drinks. Too much OR too little sugar in the blood can lead to hyper/ tantrum behaviour. Avoid too many processed sugars, e-numbers and encourage slow release energy snacks, etc etc :)

I dont have it sussed by any means but I do a lot of what fairylea does. We have one of those little life bags with the lead on it. Its like walking a dog but it means she cant run off and I can guide her in the direction I want her to go in. My LO is very spirited and very strong willed. If she doesn't want to do something the whole shop/café knows about it. I do venture into costa but its very hit and miss. I have a couple of small books, stickers, sticker book, a little phone in her little life bag and a bag of organix crisps. She hates being restricted in a highchair which is alot of our battles so ive found letting her sit her on the chair makes things easier but as soon as she starts messing around I drink up fast and get out of there before all hell breaks loose! I can hold her attention for 10 mins with the little bag of tricks but beyond that, forget it. But it all depends on her mood, sometimes it doesn't work at all and its a disaster. Sometimes shes an angel. Cant call it as her moods change from one minute to the next.

I take her to things tailored to her for the best results generally. Small soft plays at garden centres. I don't take her to big soft plays anymore, she runs me ragged and I have a back injury so climbing to the top of those things up in the rafters is no good for me. I leave that to DH at weekends!

My LO is 22 mths old and she tantrums a lot. She talks quite well but this doesn't stop the strops and tantrums. We are trying to teach her about not running off into the road and running away in shops and holding our hands in car parks but it just doesn't seem to go in and she repeats the same thing 2 minutes later. That's why the reins/ lead works wonders and I generally don't go anywhere without it anymore as sometimes she flat out refuses to go in the pushchair and im stuffed.

I've been there, it's like every days a struggle, hang in in there it does get better!

Do you mind if I ask what his appt was for? Could he be on any medication that's making him a bit hyper?
I've left hospital appts in tears, once even losing it and asking the entire waiting room "what are you all looking at" cringe!
My DS behaviour was partly down to having adverse reactions to a medication he was on

my DS was like that, i found from about 18 month to 2 and a half years the hardest so far (he's 4 next month).

Other kids would be sitting playing with toys and it seemed like he was doing everything he shouldn't be. sometimes i thought why am i even bothering going out.

not sure if its true (but lets just say it it as it will make you feel better!) but my DS is now quite academic and people say he was like he was because he's intelligent and just exploring. I know a few people with grown up kids who are very clever adults and apparently they were like that as preschoolers and as soon as they went to school they were fine.

He was growth restricted so very small when he was born and had liver problems, although all settled now so we just go for check-ups every few months. He eats really well, he goes to a fab nursery and gets all freshly prepared stuff at home and there. He doesn't stop running around at home or nursery and loves being outside best.

I let my hubby take him out to his parents yesterday and they went to the pub for lunch, I'm told he was as good as gold. I went with them to the inlaws today for lunch at home and he threw everything on the floor! I feel like he just does these things when I'm around.......perhaps its all to get my attention, or reacting to my reactions, Its not helped by the fact that I work long hours (I'm the bigger earner in our household) and I guess i'm not very maternal (I've found out since having him!) . I also suffer with depression from time to time so take things to heart I guess.

thanks for all the advice, definately try to use the reins more consistently, at the moment I only use them occasionally.

Young toddlers (18mths to 2.5 ish) are HARD. You can't reason with them, they don't respond much to threats . They are just chaotic bundles of energy let loose and its your job to manage them - no wonder we all find it so stressful.

1. It gets better after 2.5 (or rather, slightly different - there is less chaos but you have to do much more negotiating!)

1. If he is your first toddler the art of managing a toddler is new to you, it will take a while to master it. I'm on toddler 2 now and find it much easier than last time round. It is the ability to "meta think" around the situation, to constantly be optimising the conditions so your toddler has the best chance of behaving well and being ready with bribes/distractions/wiles/food in order to contain the situation. It's hard.

1. Lower your expectations. If he is manageable when watching TV with a biscuit and a drink then, while he is in this challenging phase, just let him do it and give yourself some downtime. You can't parent a toddler all day without a break, they will BREAK you! You'll be more patient if you can switch off for a bit while he watches Show Me Show Me!

1. Fresh air and exercise!

Fresh air and exercise definitely! Hopefully that will be easier now that the summer is coming. Parks and playgrounds where they don't have to be restrained in any way are great.

This may sound a bit daft, but just being really silly is great for bonding with toddlers. DS absolutely loves it when I romp around on the floor with him or chase him around the house on my hands and knees pretending to bite his bottom. And I sing lots of silly little made-up rhymes to him. If you're not the kind of person who's a natural clown it may be difficult at first, but if you can just lose yourself in a moment if silliness with your DS you may both end up having lots of fun.

Sounds exactly like me and my 2 year old DD. All I keep telling myself is "it's phase, it's only a phase!" But inside I'm falling apart also.

You're not alone and by the sounds of the other comments it's a normal stage for them go go through. It's just so hard to get through!

Although, I have to agree silly time can be useful for us too, keeps her entertained for that little bit longer! We run around the front room with our arms out and buzzing pretending to be busy bees....