Her behaviour is out of control

[LittlePink]

My 22 mth olds behaviour is really getting me down. I lost my dad 3 weeks ago and im really struggling with his death and coming to terms with not having him here anymore. Im finding my temper is very short at the moment and if my LO doesn't do as shes told I end up shouting at her and then feel so guilty that ive lost my temper.

I took her to a coffee shop this morning which was a disaster. Totally the wrong idea to ever think we could have a civilised drink and she just scrunched all her crisps up in her hands and threw them all over the place then ran off and had a tantrum in the main thoroughfare of the café and lay flat on her back and an elderly woman asked "why is she lying there?" I said "because shes bordering on a tantrum that's why" and she just gave me a dirty look and looked away. I felt like saying don't start with me im not in the mood! Then I soldiered on to rhyme time at the library which was horrible. She was climbing all over the seats with no spacial awareness of anyone and was kicking people and banging into them in the process. Then when it was instruments time she clobbered me on the head with a shaker and it really hurt. I just wanted to burst into tears there and then. So we left and I just cried all the way home. She was really sweet actually. She was in the car seat saying "cuddle. Its alright. Its alright. Cuddle" all the way home. Then we got home and she gave me a big cuddle and said mummy crying. Its alright.

I was just looking at the other kids at the library who were sitting on their mums knees reading books and being well behaved and lovely and wondering why mine is always so naughty and disruptive. Im too sad for this right now and Im not coping.

Sorry just a big rant at a very difficult time :-(

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I don't think there's anything massively unusual about your dd's behaviour.
We had a day like this with dd2 this week, and she's three and a half. 22mo is really, really little, and it's very hard for them not to follow their natural instincts to explore the world in whatever way they see fit.

I bet the other kids in the library have all had their tricky moments too, or will in weeks to come. In the meantime, have a cake and be gentle with yourself.

What a difficult day, especially when you are contending with your own grief too. Don't trouble yourself FOR A MINUTE about the silly old bat in the coffee shop. And you know what, next week at Rhymetime it might be your DD sitting nicely on your knee while another child runs riot. 22 months is a difficult age - they're not babies but they haven't learned much common sense yet either! We've all had those days when we've had to leave somewhere and cry (your Dd sounds so sweet BTW) - and you probably needed it. Can you go and see a friend this pm for some adult company and sympathy?

Im a sahm and all my mummy friends have gone back to work. I don't think i'd be much company at the moment anyway. Will prob just take her to the park if the rain keeps off and let her run riot there. Thank you both for the messages x x

My son is still like this some days and he is 4! It can be soul destroying, especially when you are under pressure yourself and feel like you aren't coping but it's perfectly normal behaviour so please don't worry about it. Take care of yourself.

Try and break this down into components.

I am sorry for your loss things still feel raw.

Maybe DD wasn't being a cherub today, maybe you were ambitious taking her to the coffee shop. Or maybe you needed a change of scene and it was just unfortunate that DD was giddy and being a fractious toddler. As others have said, ^^ very typical at her age.

At home you can walk off and count to 10. Difficult in a public setting. You can try and gain her attention, eye contact, quiet voice, threaten to go - but you have to stick to it.

A law of parenting: at the crucial moment when you least need a judgy outsider, one will pop up. Sometimes they're not judgy, sometimes they are sympathetic. It is either water off a duck's back or today you were sensitive.

You did the right thing when you decided 'enough already' and left. DD won't suffer for leaving prematurely. It is maddening after dragging yourselves out but truthfully you only waste energy trying to correct or win when they're in that mood. A consequence of messing around if she doesn't listen to you is end of activity (café, rhyme time).

I agree too with the comments above - you saw other DCs being angels but you just saw a moment in time. Those same little people were probably vociferously rejecting their breakfast or hating putting on their favourite clothes or screaming at being strapped in on their journey to the library.

Grief does horrible things to us, it lingers long after others 'move on' and we move through treacle. How are you sleeping? You'll work through this, no shortcuts I'm afraid, cut yourself some slack.

I have a 21 month old and regularly have days like you describe - I too feel like it's always my son whose the "spirited one". It's difficult when you have other things going on (we have serious illness in the family) to remain calm. At home I leave the room to counter to 10 whilst he flails across the floor(safely of course) It's more difficult in public - and I always feel more annoyed because it's when I am trying to do something fun and nice - sorry that's not really given you an answer but just to reassure you it's not just your child.

Im sleeping well which is good because I dread to think what i'd be like if I was tired aswell! LO sttn 7pm-6.30am so we're really lucky in that department and we have early nights so im not sleep deprived. Yes, I can imagine all the other little angels at rhyme time had probably been throwing their breakfast all over the floor and refusing to put their coat on to go out. It is just a snap shot in time when you see them all behaving impeccably. My LO is very spirited though and always been more on the "high needs" side. Often other mums will tell her off which embarrasses me because I feel like I look like I cant control her or am letting her be badly behaved on purpose. The treacle thing is a good analogy, it does feel like im wading through it at the moment.

It sounds like you've got a lot going on, grief is hard enough on it's own. My great-grandmother used to say 'there's none so selfish as kids' apparently and I know what she meant - whilst they are only babies and utterly oblivious, it's so hard when you're feeling terrible to deal with their moods, tantrums and general destructiveness! Its hard being a grown up a lot of the time, sometimes I just want to throw myself on the floor and scream too!

As everyone else has said though, I bet every mum at rhyme time goes through it one way or another with their children. I've got a 10 month old and a 21 month old and one of my friends said I make it look so easy.....to be honest it made me laugh because I've been anything but coping recently and even gone on meds for depression. But we all keep it together in public don't we.....it's just what we do!

Hi again

If you are unable to talk to anyone in rl about losing your DF, Cruse Bereavement Care provides information and support to anyone bereaved, their national website is www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

I stopped going to library story time and cafes and music classes and all that stuff when my DS was about 22 months. He was just very active and spirited, as you say, at that age and it always felt like I was the only one in the room who had a maniac child running around being nuts. He was - and still is but now it's verbalized - very loud too so drew attention to himself.

22 months was definitely the peak age for craziness. Once he got past 2 and started using his words more, things got better. Now he's 2.5 and he's still the most active kid wherever we go but it has toned down a lot in the past few months.

Try to find things she wants to do so you can get through this tricky phase. With mine I just took him to the park all the time, started gymnastics classes with him (rather than Spanish playgroup which is what I really wanted to do!) and took him out to toddler-friendly climbing / trampolining places. He is just very physically active so I've adapted to that. Expecting my second now and I am hoping for a nice, placid child that will go to Spanish and music classes with me ...

It is exhausting though and must be doubly exhausting when you are bereaved and trying to process the loss of your father. Take it easy on yourself and just focus on getting through this tricky phase. 22 months was definitely my low point where I was struggling but things have got better since.

I'm so sorry about your dad.
All children's behaviour is reactionary rather than planned. It's not until they hit mid teens that they premeditate behaviour.
I think if your daughters behaviour is worse than normal it's probably because she can see your not yourself and is reacting against it.
Don't worry it will all get back to normal but it's very early days for both of you.