A rant of epic length (apologies)

[RyRysmum]

I felt heartbroken today when a friend of my 8yo DS came up to me and said, "my mum says Ryan is really naughty."

I was rather proud of myself. Instead of insulting his mother (though the air in my head turned a rather lovely azure colour), I grinned at him, and replied, "yeah, he can be, but who isn't every now and again?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go on a huge rant about how my child is wonderful and amazing and could never do any wrong. He is wonderful. He is amazing. He is also one of the cheekiest, most mischievous little blighters that has ever walked the earth, and I love him for it. He pushes the boundaries of authority, granted, but I don't want to raise a 'yes man', I want to raise a son who is capable of independent thought, who isn't afraid to take initiative. I want to raise a son who has the ability to be a leader in his own right, rather than someone who does and thinks what he is told to. There are certain skills that he is struggling with, such as completing a list of tasks, and knowing when to curb his enthusiasm for (literally) everything, but I am working with the school to address these issues, which may of may not be simplified by judgemental mothers badmouthing my son to their children.

I'm of the opinion that a perfectly behaved child would be perfectly dull, and the little episodes of mindless chaos and devastation are what keeps me, as a mum, on my toes. However, I'm also of the opinion that, as a mum, I am to butt out of my son's friendships unless there's tears or bloodshed. It's not my place to push my options of others onto him; he needs to learn to choose his own friends wisely, and that ability only comes through trial and error.

The comment hurt, though. Especially as, not that long ago, my son had spent nearly 30 minutes hugging this boy, sharing his sweets with him and consoling him as his mum had broken the news that she and his father were splitting up. DS isn't perfect, but he is a kind, generous, sweet child. He doesn't bully, and he isnt violent. He loves his friends wholeheartedly, and has been in tears a lot recently as none of them have wanted to play with him and started to call him names. It makes me wonder if this boy's mum has said she doesn't want him to play with DS, and other children have just followed suit.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive, and making connections where there are none to be made. Do you tell your children their friends are naughty/bad? Am I being overly sensitive and defensive?

I'm off for some much-needed chocolate *waves goodbye to diet

But it really doesn't matter if you convince us all of his good qualities if his friends don't want to play with him.

Time to find out what's going on - I too find it unlikely that one mother's comment has caused the collapse of this friendship group so it's time to get involved in his friendships, imo, as far as finding out what is going on & sorting it out.
Unfortunately you're describing & trying to ascribe adult behaviour to children, that's great in terms of doing the spade work for it to all come together as they mature but right now they're going to be childish.
You need to find out what's being said and by whom and talk about it with his teacher - unfortunately your description was basically a list of euphemisms for naughty hence your initial replies - if you're feeling stung by this mother's comment then you may be already defending your son's behaviour when you don't need to be. The friend could be enjoying having a gang as he struggles with the separation & thinks your son is an easy target because he won't retaliate. A.N.Other parent could be getting much more involved in the group and has started a vendetta over something ridiculous the kids have all forgotten, stranger things have happened. Point is, you don't know what's going on yet - or indeed what friend's mum actually said, the killer about child comments is they are usually a terrible mix of verbatim but without any mitigating context.

You are very much in your Ds corner, that's wonderful and if this name calling is the beginning of a trend of bullying him you can be right there to nip it in the bud.
What's the situation with his friends playing or staying over? Are there lots of reciprocal invites or are there groups of parent friends?
It might be that he's naughty is the news du jour but that won't be able to take hold if there are lots of parents that have experienced him being an utter delight at their house, they will be more likely to think negative woman is shit stirring.
You could paint us a picture that has us all melting over your boy but that won't help you sort it out, it'll just mean you can have a righteous seethe over rude mother.

I came on this site as I believed it was there to SUPPORT parents. I posted my OP when I was angry and upset, I didn't want to make it even longer by explaining my son's past, as it is long and upsetting for me, and I was already in tears as it was.

Some of the comments in regards to my son have been disgusting, and I hope you people are ashamed of yourselves.

The behaviour he is trying to overcome is minor compared to some others. Excitable and boisterous he may be. Yes, he might shout the answer in class instead of putting his hand up, or question why something is unacceptable (verbally, not through action, by the way), but the kid that pushes, punches and swears had a huge group of friends including the boy I mentioned in my OP. Make sense to you? It doesn't to me.

And, for the teacher of 13yos that had a blade pulled on her, I'm very sorry your experiences have been so bad, I really am. My son had to watch his dad try to kill me when he was tiny. It messed both of us up badly, and we have spent years trying to put the pieces back together.

Your OP sounds like a very try hard blog post, rewritten about 30 times!

In response to your op, I don't think it's fair of another mother to describe your child as naughty to her son, but this May not be exactly what happened, you can't know. It's a delicate balance to tread between nurturing your child's individuality and helping them to understand how to fit into society. If your child is getting upset about not having friends then it sounds like he would like some more help understanding how friendships work. There is a great book called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship by Natalie elman which looks at how different types of children can improve their social skills (without masking their core personality). I would recommend it.

It sounds like you and your son have had an incredibly traumatic time and you are naturally very defensive of him. Your love for him shines through. Unfortunately though you know that the world won't automatically love him as much as his mother does (same for any child), so there is no harm in coming up with some strategies for you and him to help people see the wonderful child you know, rather than behaviour they may perceive as unacceptable.

He does sound very kind btw.

OP I was going to post he does sound naughty. But I've just read your l ast post and dont think it would be useful to add to that.

On forums like this people maybe do put things in stronger terms than they may in RL and may call as it is.

My DS is bright and polite, but he can ve excitable, jumps about a bit and has troubl settling to work. If you are already aware of these things with your child and are workign on them with the school then sounds like you are on the ball.

Im sorry but you have had some hard objective responses, use these to inform your parenting. I think it was a shock for that chid to say this and it has brought the fore things you have already notice re friendship groups.

My DS seems to struggle inthe playground I started to read bits if the preview on amazon about hw to make friends - I found this useful I shall try to link. It has different chapters in about different types of kids.

If it is any consolation I heard this week about how the DM/F of a child in my DS class got called in to see the head. They were utterly devastated about what they were told about their DS. They had no idea he was so naughty (very much hurting, bullying etc) At home he is not like that, a different child etc....They were completrly blinded by the fact that they thought the way they parented was fine and the lack of boundries allowed him to be independant etc but obviously this doesnt work for school and it very confusing for the child. My point is you DS may not be that bad and sometimes it pays to listen - I feel reall bad for the parents ^ they are nice people they just didnt realise. Im also releived as their child used to hurt by DS in a regular basis.

So yes you are upset, now turn all this to your advantage. Get proactive, book an appointment with the teacher and share your concerns afresh. Work on waiting turns to speak etc (this is something I have to do with my DS as he rambles on and on)

Sounds like you care about your DS very much.

So what, this boy's mother called your son "naughty", doesn't mean the child does not want to play with your son anymore, does it?

If you and your son want to be a bit more free spirited than average, you will both need to learn to shrug off these kind of mindless comments.

A true nonconformist does not worry what the neighbours think, iyswim.

Also, you can be sweet and generous and also a bit naughty. Not mutually exclusive!

Here is the book...you can read free bits of preview. Its often referenced as a good book on MN.

www.amazon.com/The-Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1398413018&sr=8-1&keywords=help+your+child+to+make+friends

It is often really hard to hear what someone else believes is the truth, especially when it differs from your truths. However, we do live in a society where the majority of the population expect people to behave a certain way in certain situations and towards others.

As a parent whose child has also had a troubled past, I sympathise. Mine is to young for it to have begun to manifest in the way your son's PTSD has. Have you sought children's counseling? Relate have centres all over and they barely charge anything for treating children.

As others have said, one parent's free spirit is another parent's nightmare child. Not a lot of parents like the idea of mindless chaos and destruction - they will see it as a disruptive and destabilising to others. It is important that you reflect on how your son's actions, and the parenting choices you have made, effect others.

If you look back at your original post and the subsequent comments, it was your attitude towards well behaved children that got people riled up. You cast the first stone I'm afraid and people only responded.

Can I remind you that support is not always about someone agreeing with you - sometimes you will get opinions that differ from your own and someone who really wanted advice would take it all on board.

OP,

It sounds like what's really upsetting you here is that your beloved little boy is losing his friends for a reason that you don't understand, and you are looking for something to latch onto and lash out at, making the mother in question your scapegoat.

If I were you, I would try to get some honest opinions from your DS's teacher about his social interaction, and also perhaps from a couple of his friends' parents, and see if there is anything that you can do to help him work on his friendships. Perhaps he's acting inappropriately, or perhaps one of the other kids is? Better to ask and find out, rather than stewing ineffectually about things that may or may not be the problem.

Good luck with helping him through this.

OP, I would feel upset too if someone said this about my son. I think any mum would, nobody wants their children to be labeled as naughty, or anything else for that matter.

The thing is, people judge, it's natural.

Unfortunately somebody has made a judgement on your son which is upsetting for you, but they've only heard the bad, not the lovely caring, kind side of your son that only you as a parent see.
I'm sure the little boy didn't go home and say to his mum RyRy sat and comforted me and shared his sweets because I was sad!

He sounds like a cheeky chap, he also sounds lovely and caring, you know your son and you are also taking steps with the school to work on his behaviour, your doing great