Parent that doesn't get that our child is "different"

[sbm78]

I need help advise on what to do here. Its causing problems between me and my partner.

I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years, when I met him I had been through a difficult marriage and he was perfect, he got on with my children and all was fine. It was him that supported me when I 1st approached CAMHS about my DS. He actually has a son under the Autistic spectrum himself so that kind of helped with me knowing that my son was different.

My problem is he doesn't seem to understand the way I am with DS he says he's 8 years old and should do as he is told. I have my own way of dealing with him as I'm sure many mums do, I have to break things down and make things clear what I want him to do. I know that shouting doesn't work and he doesn't understand the "I'll do it in a minute" he wants things done now. He doesn't get why my DS kicks and hits things (nor do I) but I know that he is different and have just learnt to live with it. I've tried to explain all this to my partner and he seems like he understands but then the next time my DS does something he kicks off again. I'm not saying that my DS always makes the right choices with my strategies because he doesn't but I know what he reacts too and what winds him up sad

I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. My partner is not great with his son either. He argues with him about it because he says he's 12 and not a baby anymore. GGRRRRRRR

Anyone been here??

Where did the OP say she hadn't tried to get a diagnosis? Her son is under CAMHS; maybe this is the start of a long process.

ChristianMother would be more accurately named BigotedMother

Nice one ChristianMother. Absolute poppycock. I have 3 with ASD; I am a Christian (though as a leftie liberal Quaker I know some Christians would like to disown me!), one of the boys is too young to have made a choice, one is atheist and one is a Christian. In a decade spent acquiring an RE Degree and studying for a Master's in Autism, I have never had someone express such a view to me, thankfully.

We've found a gene, by the way.

I think that disability is one of those life events (like poverty) that will shine bright lights on any relationship cracks or differences. Your partner is wrong, you can't simply say someone who has ASD should understand / behave / get on with it; some can, some can't and everyone has their own space on that continuum. I have a child with ASD who could do as asked but can;t see why he should, and one who loves to do as he is asked but often does not understand what is expected of him.

I'd say that if you do chase a dx, the Earlybird course may help you both and would be worth doing together, it helped my DH enormously. but you may find this is something you are on your own with and may need to negotiate a simple rule where DP backs you up in public or with your son no matter what, and then raises issues calmly when just the two of you.

Good luck.

We haven't had a diagnosis

Here, Lancelottie

Yes, but 'haven't had' is not at all the same as 'haven't tried to get'.

HI all, thanks for these comments. I've been offline, to come back to these, I'm glad I didn't see whatever christianMother had to say!

It's not that I haven't tried to get a diagnosis, I have, I've been to the doctor, camhs, EP.... No one is willing to give me a diagnosis. we've applied for a statement to help at school (i really hope I get it)

I've had a long chat with my OH and we've agreed that for the time being only I shall discipline him. OH has agreed that he will try to refrain from shouting as much as he can.... and I've agreed to try and stop tensions before they get to that height. If that makes sense.

It seems to be a little bit calmer at the moment.
Again thanks for all your help.

Thanks for the update, and glad that you have worked some things out.