Postnatal depression - is this what I am experiencing?

[DuskyPinkRoses]

I didn't know where best to post this so apologies if it's in the wrong section.

My DD is 5 months old. I had a mc in 2012 so was pretty anxious throughout this pregnancy and I think it affected my ability to bond with my DD - it was probably a self protection thing as I was knocked sideways by the mc and didn't ever believe that my DD would be delivered safely into my arms. I also had a serious haemorrhage following her birth which meant I was away from her for the first 8 hours of her life and pretty weak for a long afterwards.

I've never experienced that rush of love that people talk about and although I do love her, I am devastated that I don't feel overwhelmed with love and emotion for her. I've been feeling pretty tired, low and guilty recently and I wondered if I have PND? I really don't know what to do next. I'm terrified of admitting to anyone that I don't have that overwhelming feeling of love in case they think I'm a bad mother. I would never do anything to harm her and do my absolute best on a day to day basis to take good care of her and help her grow and develop (we play, go to baby classes, swimming, walks, library etc) but I just can't escape this feeling of guilt. What should I do? What will happen if I go to see my GP? I couldn't stPlease share your experiences if you can. xx

Hi - you certainly seem to have some signs of PND.

The fact that you're getting out and about is good but your feelings of guilt need addressing. You lost a child and now you're probably feeling guilty about being happy with your new DD. These feelings need sorting so that you're free to feel the love and excitement that most new mums feel.

Not all parents feel a rush of love and bonding - I never did but I love my DDs 100000000%. The love grows but I feel you may need some help along the way.

The feelings that you are having are completely understandable, although that's not to say that you might be depressed and want to change your feelings.

IMO, there is too much emphasis given in baby literature etc to the rush of love that some mums experience at birth. It doesn't happen to everyone and it is completely normal for it not to happen like that. Especially if you add in the complications that you experienced. I had a similar experience to you when my ds was born, and I had no time to connect with him post birth. He was whisked off to SCBU and I didn't see him for 1.5 days. I remember going to the SCBU ward and saying to my DP through tears that I didn't even know which one he was.

So I can see how you feel the way you do, and it's a completely reasonable response to the situation you're in. I think it could be important to think a bit about how you can let the guilt go and be kind to yourself. You said yourself that you love your baby. You don't have to love your baby in the way that you are "supposed" to - you love your baby the way you do. That's absolutely fine!

If you do go to the GP to explain how you feel, they will assess you and decide if you are experiencing PND and prescribe you anti depressants if needed. There won't be any other impact and no one will judge you, so please don't worry about that side of things.

Hi Dusky,

I think I was in a fairly similar situation. I had multiple losses and really didn't believe that my pregnancy would end up with a baby (well, babies in my case as I had twins). They were in the NICU for 3 days after they were born and I also didn't have the rush of love at all. I felt like I didn't 'recognise' them.

I felt like I was cracking up for the first year or so of their lives (though looking from the outside I was doing a good job). When they were nearly 3 I felt so low I finally went to the doc. I was depressed - don't know if it was post natal or not. I was on citalopram for 4 months, and had CBT for 2 months. I feel so much better now. ANd I adore my twins :)

I would recommend going to the GP sooner rather than later. Hope you feel better soon.

If contacting your gp is too daunting you can speak to your health visitor. You dont need to tell them everything, just enough to say that you dont feel the way you thought you would. They can help you contact the gp. You wont auomatically be put on anti-depressants (but they may suggest them if it will help) so try not to worry about that. They should suggest counselling, and possibly a birth debrief to help you work through what happened and your feelings during that time.

My hv got me onto a pnd support group when I showed signs after ds was born. It was a hv run programme, 5 mothers with ranging experiences - sadness, anxiety, guilt, bonding, stress.
So IME it's worth speaking to hv in case there's a way they can help. It's not a clear cut thing, pnd, with one set of symptoms and one fix. But there's nothing wrong with asking for a bit of support. And they won't take away your baby if you do (yes - that was something we all admitted to worrying about at the group).

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've made an appointment to see my GP on Wednesday. It's very reassuring to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. That's made me feel a lot more positive already so thank you for sharing your experiences xxx