My children hate each other -help desperately needed!

[PrincessRainicorn]

I have two children aged 9 and 6 (should add that I grew up as an only child so no idea what classes as normal sibling rivalry), they are constantly sniping at each other, often quite viciously and physical.

I am so tired of the constant arguing, it is sapping the fun out of everything we do. I count down the minutes til they go to bed/school/dad's house just so I don't have to be near them and be a referee.

I think this is more than just normal sibling rivalry, my eldest is so mean to his brother and seems to genuinely dislike him. My youngest does enjoy being with his brother and will often try to engage him in play but it rarely works, eldest son gets annoyed at being nagged and they end up arguing/fighting.

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Does it ever get any better?

My sister and I were like this when we were young. Same age gap too and I was the eldest. We also had an older brother and I think I just really resented the fact that we were expected to get on and be together a lot. We shared a room and had friends who were siblings and we just couldn't escape each other. Often if one of us misbehaved 'the girls' got told off - it was as if we were a unit.

It got better as we grew older, got our own rooms and were able to have much more separate lives. We are still very different now and don't spend a vast amount of time together but we get on well and I love her a lot.

Hope this helps. I have a huge amount of sympathy for my parents now I'm a parent myself, we must have driven them absolutely potty.

Read "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and then the next book they wrote "siblings without rivalry" - they are both fantastic and will hopefully help you deal with them completely.

It will not stop the rivalry because some level is normal & healthy - it's how you deal with it that is the key to it not being damaging.

That must be really hard. I don't have two children (currently expecting number 2) and we will have a similar gap too you and from what I have heard from friends, 3 years is a hard gap. I think developmentally they are just on completely different levels and the older will easily become irritated by the younger one.

My sister and I also had a 3.5 year gap and growing up, we were never close. I used to irritate the crap out of her and deliberately antagonised her on the sly and then played the victim when she snapped - be vigilant that nothing like that is happening with your two as I imagine it's easy to blame the older one, or expect a certain level of maturity from the older one - but he is still 9.

I'm sure someone a lot more experienced will be along in a minute but suggestions I could think of would be:

1. ensuring the older one has enough space alone. Do they share a room? Define clear times that they need to be apart, I imagine tea time is particularly stressful?
2. a house meeting to establish rules. Be clear about physical violence not being tolerated and the punishments that will follow if they are physical. Ask them what annoys them about each other, but what they like about each other. Then draw up a "contract" about how they're going to treat each other. I.e, I want X to not touch my Lego but I like playing football with him. Y - I won't touch X's Lego and will ask him to play football with me twice a week.
3. Give them separate 1-1 time to do something really nice that they will enjoy. Use this as motivation to behave.
4. agree something they do like to do together - cinema? Films? Board games? Sport? Play this with them and be clear about boundaries before you start.
5. praise good behaviour in an OTT way, kids love to get things right.

I'm sure some of this won't work and all sounds pie in the sky and you've probably done it all already, but those were just my thoughts. Also, remember siblings do fight, and often don't like each other, this isn't a reflection on you or their relationship in years to come. Me and my sister are quite close now.

don't feel the need to referee every fight. I've just stared saying 'mmm, did she' to almost everything :)

unless they are physically hurting one another try to let them resolve as much as possible themselves. But 9 and 6 is a big age gap in terms of interests and development and it might help if you can do some 1:1 with the youngest to let the elder one be alone. I know as single mother I had a tendency to expect the elder to be the younger's entertainment, which was fair on neither.

Thanks for the replies, all very much appreciated I do think the age gap is a tricky one, it's almost 4 years so yes there is quite a difference in their interests.

I'm going to buy those books on Amazon now RandomMess, I'm just scared things will reach the point no return, I want to try and nurture their relationship as much as possible (it's easy saying that now, not so easy when we're all tired and tetchy after being at work/school all day!)

They both antagonize each other, I must admit I do tend to be harsher with my eldest son purely because he is the eldest, I think I feel as though he should be setting a 'good example' for this little brother... perhaps my expectations are too high?

99redbafoons thank you for all of your suggestions, I like the idea of drawing up a contract , they have separate rooms but the youngest one tends to barge in to his brother's room and antagonize him (usually resulting in shouting, pushing and door slamming).

I am trying not to get too involved in their disputes, take sides, etc. but I'm really worried their relationship will end up damaged beyond repair... I feel so out of my depth. I'm so sick and tired of their fighting that it is starting to affect how I interact with them. Everything is just a mess!!

I realise how 'me, me, me' this post is but this is the only place I can vent!

I agree with adoptmama too, lots of listening to them venting their feelings without trying to fix anything!

Also being "fair" does not equal treating them the same because they are different ages, different stages and they are different personalities.

My DSIS and I fought continuously. Like your older DS I liked peace and my DSIS liked someone to play with.

Since we lived on a small estate with lots of DCs similar ages we never really escaped each other's company. I wanted to be left to play with the one girl my age, but DSIS and the other two girls who filled in the age gap between us always joined in.

It was a small town, there wasn't much extracurricular stuff, so we didn't have wildly different hobbies like my two do.

My DDs 16&13 don't fight much, never have.

Tried when they were 9&6, but I read the riot act and sent them to separate rooms every time they started and DD2 to her room when she started.

In their case it was generally DD2 making smart Alex, but I'll judged digs at her socially inept, dyslexic big sister that started trouble.

DD1 is very patient, but she much bigger than DD2 and just as clever. Both physically and in a real war of words DD2 would have lost.

Therefore, they weren't allowed to start.

Living in the middle of nowhere helps a lot, being friends is generally a win when there isn't anyone else to play with.

Lots of different interests a help too, they both do what they are good at and don't compete.

Screens help. When DD2 is bored she plays SIMs. Escaping into a virtual world for a while defuses many a tense moment.

Never underestimate the value of the wii, minecraft or the trampoline at getting the frustrated sibling to calm down.