Advice for the parent of the child who willingly shares and is getting bossed around

[lovinbeingmum]

My 2.5 year old has never needed to be told to share during play dates. He has always willingly shared his toys to the extent when he sees the other child playing with for example only cars, he will go and get him some more of his cars to play with. His behaviour amazes me.

But I'm now seeing another aspect to it which is making me very unhappy. Whenever we go to someone else's house, the kid will snatch the toys out of his hand and he doesn't react. He actually stands there saying 'can I play with your XYZ please' hoping they will give it. Never happens of course till the other mum intervenes. Exactly the same thing happens even in our home....his friends will snatch the toys from him and he will be requesting to play with his own stuff.

Is there anything I should be doing.....how do you teach such a small child to stand up for himself......

...the look on his face at those moments is so heart constricting.....

I would intervene, by taking all the toys off whoever has them, and breezily saying 'right, lets share these toys out so you both have some' while telling ds he is a good boy for sharing.
I would rather have a mild mannered sharer anyday over a selfish snatcher!

Agreed.

What a lovely little boy you have.

I don't think you just leave 2 yr olds to snatch each other's toys. The other child needs to learn to take turns too. Be delighted that your child is sharing nicely, but it's not the norm for 2 yr olds, they usually need help to learn the rules. I would retrieve the toy for him and help the other child find a toy for themselves. Something like "G was playing with that. Would you like this car instead?" If your son's actually given it to the other child though I think that's his choice, then you can help him find a new toy instead.

My ds was like this. If another child approached him at toddler group, he'd give up what he was playing with and give it to the other child. I used to worry he'd get pushed about when he was older or that he had no confidence. But he's 9 now and is still the same! He always wants to be nice to people and has his own very strong sense of what is nice and what isn't. So if he sees another kid acting like a brat or not sharing, he's right in there, sticking up for the underdog (or himself)!
I might say something to a child if they went to your dc and took a toy off them, but I'd also mention it to your dc and praise them for sharing and point out it's not nice to be selfish or take things.

I have a child like this (polar oppoIt's hair to his brothers) and was talking to a friend about it once because I was worried that it would lead to him eventually being bullied and taken advantage of.
Friend is a teacher and she said to me not to worry. She sees kids like this every so often and in fact they tend to grow into children that everyone likes because they are kind and perceptive to other people's feelings; that they usually end up being very good at conflict resolution and that they're generally just lovely to be around!

My ds is now 6 and I think my friend was right!
It's hard to watch your child being treated unfairly but I think as long as you teach them that it's OK to say no sometimes and as long as they are content you can just sit back and be proud of what a kind and gentle child you have :-)

Polar opposite* that should have said! Lol

I have a 16 year old son who was just like this too, a very sensitive soul, not pushy, kind to others. I worried too, as other kids would take advantage of him.

I agree with the point cakey makes- ultimately these children are the one theat end up with the most friend.
My son has a great circle of friends who want to be around him because he will stick up for the underdog and helpful and kind to others. His friends support him and want to hang out because of his kind nature. He is liked by his friends and teachers.
It can work out well for these more sensitive caring children- it is a lovely way of being.

My two are both like this, always the least pushy kid in the pack who others grab toys off.

If you see it happen I would encourage the other child the share, but otherwise don't worry.

My DS (nearly 3) is the same OP and I have worried too. At play groups he will come and sit next to me and wait patiently until the child who had taken the toy he was playing with gets bored with it and walks away. I love his peacefulness, but I don't want him to grow up being a push over and not knowing how to get his needs met. One day when this happened, I informed him that he can say 'no, I'm playing with this at the moment' and not give the toy up so readily. It looked like a little light switched on at hearing this message. It had truly never occurred to him that he could say no! He has practised since and peacefully stood his ground. Perhaps a similar chat with uour FS will help?

My ds was like this other peoples children would snatch a toy off him and he would sit there looking so Sad with his bottom lip out but Not do anything. It can be really difficult to watch.

If he wasnt too bothered I would get him another toy to play with but If he looked really sad about it I would always go and take the toy back off the other child and say 'no catniss jr was playing with that'

One child in particular was a nightmare much to his mums embarrassment he not only wouldn't share but Wanted everything for himself he would literally take all the toys and sit in front of them if my ds came near he hit or pushed him he was only 2 the same age as my ds but I do have to guilty admit I used to secretly dislike him for it and I knew it wasnt his fault he was only being 2. He was a nightmare though If they both got given food he would scream as soon as my ds had food and try to steel that too...oddly enough his mum was the kindest person i know lol she used to shout at him every time And remove all his toys / food until he behaved.

Luckily though i think because everyone was consistent her son realised it was unacceptable but Over time so did my son.
He now takes toys back if another child just comes and grabs them while hes playing. I usually tell him to sharethough and get the other child involved in the game which is like working for tiny humans united nations at times.

I think as long as your dc knows that people taking toys from him wrong he will learn this too and start taking them back

I just wanted to say I fully understand where you are coming from. I have been through this with my children and at 5 and 6 it still occurs. It is very difficult to watch other children taking from your children when it is completely one sided. You can rationalise that is it "normal" what both children are doing - the taker and the taken from, but it takes great willpower to say " I will not let this affect how I feel and behave"

I unfortunately have not been able to do that, the problem lies with me and how I feel about things and it is important to make sure your child feels that how they behave is ok. I have not always managed that either.

We had an incident recently with a friend and her daughter, almost 5. 3 children pony riding on 2 ponies and her child always had to go first on one particular pony and credi when she had to get off and walk and it ended up spoiling what could have been an enjoyable activity for us all to do together. I have found it hard not to dislike this child - again my issue I know but when we did a toss of coins as to who would walk and my daughter had to - the look of delight on this girls face was very hard but she is young and her reactions are normal. However we do not pony ride with them now and her mother is frosty towards me. Had we been better friends maybe we could have talked about it but we could not and in the end I has to ask myself do my children benefit from being with a child where they are polar opposites - the riding was just one example. I felt that this woman's child could learn from the experience and things did get somewhat better but I couldn't see my children getting anything out if it - the difference between the children was too great.

cried not credi

Thank you for your messages! You're sending a very peaceful mum to bed. It's calming to know others have been in a similar situation and (a) I'm not over reacting (b) things can turn out fine.

cakey poorincash I will do that...just a mention that its ok to say no sometimes though I have a feeling it might come back to bite me in the back side sometime :)

catniss it was just the kind of kid you've described who bought on this whole worry bout and similarly his mum is lovely but well...

diy I'm like you. Not interested in cultivating friends where my kids get into situations where they are put down or unhappy. U took absolutely the right stance i think but for myself (at this age) I worry about getting over protective

catkind thanks, never get enough of hearing that :)

dobedo cakey atthestroke your ds' sound wonderful. I'd be happy to have my boy grow up like that.

I was really interested to read this as am having similar worries about my ds, 2.7yo, who just submits to other children taking toys off him - even in his own home! He doesn't always seem that bothered, but after two hours of it I can tell he's getting frustrated and it comes out later usually.

I read a bit about what to try and one suggestion was role playing the ability to say 'no, I'm still playing with that'. We also have a friend's ds who is a bit of a nightmare for snatching every single toy ds picks up - his mum is my closest friend and is lovely and intervenes as necessary, but poor ds does get fed up. It's harder when the mum doesn't intervene but I also strongly believe it's good for children to learn to work these things out themselves as well. We emphasis turn taking as the concept of sharing is not realistic at this age.

Still working on getting ds to stand up for himself a bit more, but it's nice to read it can have a positive outcome :)

*emphasise