Why does she dislike me so much?

[LittlePink]

I don't get why my 22 mth old daughter dislikes me so much. Its gone on since she was 9 mths, starting with an intense separation anxiety to her dad. Its still extreme and she wont let me do anything for her when hes with us and shuns me all the time. Shes very anti social with anyone who tries to talk to her when DH is around and spends all her time in his arms looking miserable and turning her head away and saying no when spoken to.

My dad has just passed away 2 days ago so ive been away spending time with him at his bedside and being with my close family in the aftermath of his death and when I came back, as usual, she made it clearly apparent I wasn't welcome and was so mean to me. Im so fragile at the moment and grieving so badly for my dad that I cant bear how nasty my child is being to me. She wont let me near her and screams at me if I try to do anything. I told DH to leave us at bedtime so I could re connect with her and she was a nightmare for me saying "daddy read it. No mummy. Daddy". All of this is just compounding my misery that im going through at the moment.

Is this normal for her to be this way towards me?

It is. Children go through these phases.

Are you her primary carer? Sometimes you find that the parent that is out of the house more is the one the child fixates on whereas the one that is always or mostly around is treated like they are unwanted!

I promise you that your daughter does not dislike you. don't interpret her behaviour like you would if she was an adult. She's not. She's a baby and their world is very different. She isn't being 'nasty' to you in the way, say, I would be if it was me doing this. It really isn't even that she's deciding to treat you in any particular way at all. At her age, that's not possible. It is all about her emotions, her processing abilities and her inability to understand and control the world around her. I know it's really hard, particularly atm, but try not to take it personally.

I would suggest that you don't try and tackle this right now. You're grieving. It is not a good time. Just do what has to be done to get through this time and then when you are able, sit down with your husband and plan how the two of you are going to work this out. Search for some books that can help you, there are lots of resources out there.

I am sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry about your dad OP.

I had the same thing with my son. No mummy, daddy do it - every flipping thing. It was horrible and I felt totally rejected. He wanted daddy to feed him, play with him, bath him, put his coat on, hold his hand - everything! When it was just me and DS, (I'm a SAHM) he was fine, loving and normal but as soon as daddy was around, that was it. I read somewhere that their rejection of you shows how secure they are with you. They know that no matter how mean they are, you will be there. I decided to believe that and just go with it. Without any pressure to 'be nice to mummy' he got over it. I'm sure yours will too - she absolutely loves you.

n

bollocks, whole post deleted

Basically, to say yes me too, it hurts very much when you are already dealing with sadness/insecurities etc and I want to run away all the time because nobody likes me waaaaaaaah!

But I am trying to just put my big girl pants on and withstand the onslaught of small person crazy emotions in a solid safe mum way but finding myself hiding keeping my distance which obvs creates a vicious circle....it's hard.

Also the primary carer so I guess that does have an effect.

for you

Sorry about your dad. Must be heartbreaking

She's just playing games and senses your neediness. I know you don't feel like it but the best approach is to be very silly/daft/playful and surprise her. Don't beg for cuddles and try not to look bothered. Pretend to be a spider, a cuddly monster, a dog etc

My dd punishes dh a lot for working, being away. I think it's because she loves him lots and misses him. Play the long game, it'll probably completely switch at some point, sounds very tough though.

So sorry about your Dad,

I have a 22 yr old too and they are as fickle as can be. I'm still breastfeeding which gets me a cuddle but he doesn't snuggle and sleep on me. Instead he unmatched when he's had enough and goes and snuggles up with DH.

I think you're just feeling the loss of your Dad tbh. Don't restrict access of your toddler to her Dad if that's what she wants right now, you'll panic her into wanting him over you more. Can you all read books together at bedtime instead?

starchart that is some seriously extended breastfeeding!

Sorry about your dad. But your daughter is just being a toddler, it's hard but normal. I'm sure having thick skin is very difficult at the moment.

My DD1 is a mummy's girl and was very NO to daddy. She got over it, still a mummy's girl at heart but loves daddy very much. DH really struggled with the rejection that was around the 2/3 year old stage, she's now 7. DD2 is just 3 and the opposite, daddy's girl all the way and I can see why DH found it hard the first time. I can do no right. If DH isn't around I tell her "I love you just as much and daddy's not around just now" if DH is there well he can be at her beck and call. Today she burst into tears at the park because she missed daddy so much - he was only at work for the day, obviously I was just there to make up the numbers!

I try not to fight it, she'll grow out of it and I hand over DD2 to daddy when he's there and I have a sit down!

Toddlers also say hateful horrid things sometimes. They don't mean it, they're wielding power much greater than their understanding. While your so raw and fragile try and let it go over your head, this is something that will pass. I know that's easier said than done when you probably want to hold those you care about closer than ever.

I'm sorry about your dad op I'm sure feeling a rejection in top of that must me destroying.
My ds rejected me once I stopped bf him at 7 months old it lasted 2 years. We would have a weekends where he would ignore me the whole time cling to daddy. It would take me until Wednesday the nxt wk to get him to accept me again then bang the weekend would be upon us again.
I had many sleepless tormented nights. He's 3.7 now and he loves me dearly .
It was actualy my own dad that said (whilst I was breaking down sobbing)
At somepoint he'l see the logic see that you also love him and he'l be able to share his affections with more than 1 person at once.
It broke my heart I'm sorry your going through it also. I did find he had me so nervous around him I became a total pushover . When I finally had had enough of being rejected I started laying boundaries to him and slowly we started to build a bond.