Please help - 15 month old hair pulling. Gettign serious.

[Rubyandbeansmummy]

My 15 month old dd is an absolute delight when around adults. Put her in an environment with other children and she randomly grabs them by the clothing or pulls their hair. I am getting to the stage that I am considering stopping socialising with our friends (the children are all the same age but she is the only one walking).

I have no idea why she does it and 'no' doesn;t work, taling toys away doesn;t work etc etc. I am now just following her around pulling her away from any child just in case and its horrible. I feel as if i'm man-handling my baby girl who i love dearly.

Part of the problem is knowing that the other mums expect me to stop it happening and I just don't know how, other than to stop seeing them. I need to at least be seen to be 'punishing' her and i don;t know what is appropriate at this age or what she can understand. She certainly isn;t affected by them crying or me shouting.

I am 15 weeks pregnant and getting seriously stressed by this. Any suggestions or positive stories would really help. Thankyou xx

Sounds like she is trying to get attention be it from you or them. It sounds like she has had a lot of adult attention and children arn't giving her the same attention and she is wanting to get it from them.

Have you moved her away and sat her by you for a few minutes, no chatting and allowing her to watch what she isn't being allowed to join in with, then asking her to be gentle and letting her go back and play?

It can take a while to show results and needs to be done everytime she does an action you have decided you won't have her doing.

My ds was a terrible hair puller, mostly mine but also other children occasionally. He still does it now and then when he's very tired (now 26 months). What I found very effective was to get down in front of him, holding him under the armpits to face me and say "No pulling hair", just once and very firmly. Then I would take him to the edge/corner of the room and sit him facing the wall, turn my back to him and make a fuss of the other child. If he got up and came over I would still keep my back to him and not acknowledge him for at least a couple of minutes. Then I would tell him to play gently. The second time he did it I would do the same except I wouldn't sit him facing a wall, I would strap him in his pushchair and take him home. It only took a week or two of doing it every time to sort out hair pulling of other kids, it took a bit longer to sort out pulling my hair.

I'm sure the other mums will be a bit more understanding once their little ones start pulling/biting/hiting, because they all do it.

Agree with bran - DS didn't do the hair pulling but did 'push' to try and get at things. I know she's still very little but I do think behaviourally you can teach them al lot - if she learns to equate hair pulling to cross mummy and removal from play area she will learn eventually.

The other thing I did was that rather than stop socialising, which imo would have made it worse as he'd never have learned, I told my friends about the prblem, what I was doing about it, and encouraged them to discipline him too if they saw him do it. I realise not all parents are happy for other adults to discipline their children but I think it's helpful for DS to learn that good behaviour is not just for when mummy is watching. We have now generally established among my group of friends that it's ok to tell eachothers children 'no' - it's really taken the pressure off us all I think.

As a parent we all know that children go through these phases - I'm sure your friends will be understanding and supportive if you explain to them what's going on.

As you say Liquidclocks, if all adults can be following the same rules then a child will get the message.

Agree with bran, in the first instance remove him from situation and say firmly "We don't pull hair" or similar. If it happens again leave and go home.

How miserable for you and of course the 'punishment' of going home is usually worse for you than for her

I have been dealing with a similar situation at work and my theory is that it happens partly due to the stress of having to deal with a lot of children in a big group. I would try socialising with just one or two other mothers at a time, for a while. You'll be able to supervise your dd better this way, as well.

I think the only way to stop your dd is to be right next to her at all times, and I think for the sake of the other children and your relationship with their mothers, that you should do this. Sorry you are having this hassle, but she needs to be prevented from hurting other children. She will grow out of it, hopefully soon.