Bedtmes are awful - I feel like crying (again)

[Leo35]

DH and I are at our wits end trying to work out how to have a peaceful bedtime with DS2 who is 5. At the point of getting into bed for lights out he goes wild - agressive towards us (hitting and pinching), throwing things at us or downstairs, trying to disturb DS1, jumping on furniture.

We have tried a number of ideas to help and they are working up to a point: earlier bathtime and bedtime; using a timer to keep a control of time after his bath; a head and neck massage to calm him down.

Tonight he was particularly dreadful and provocative and wouldn't or couldn't calm down with help or with time out (one of us close by). Time out is not my favoured option but it works. Eventually. There's a lot of toys on top of the cupboards.

I can't get a handle on why he is doing this. I know that he finds school intense, and I make the evenings at home as calm as possible. It hasn't been a school day today and he's had a fab day playing a grand game with DS1 and gone out on his bike - and it's been a horrible time.

We talked with him about bedtime and agreed that one of us would stay nearby upstairs while he goes to sleep. If he is having problems falling asleep and our presence helps him to go to sleep, we are happy to do that to get him through this phase. But it's more than that alone.

It's attention seeking, and we are giving it, albeit as little as possible so that we don't reward the bad behaviour. He is strong-minded and persistent.

Does anyone have any advice, insight or suggestions that have worked for them in a similar situation.

I've been reading a number of parenting books recently, and one of the things I've read about trying to get young children to "open up" and talk is to NOT ask them questions. When you're having chats with them over dinner or at bedtime, start by just talking about your own day. Talk about what's made you happy today. Talk about what you've worried about today. This is then supposed to encourage THEM to start talking. When they DO talk, just nod and make noises like "aha, yes, I understand, that must've made you angry?, etc". Don't try and make them feel better by trying to passify them - so don't say things like "but I'm sure little Billy didn't mean to hurt you" or "you'll be fine tomorrow".

A line from one of the books I've read that has really stuck in my head is that you wont change a child's mind, but you CAN try and change their mood. If you can try and get him to talk and then you'll see what might be worrying him or making him angry/sad, you can empathise and agree, and that makes them feel understood which can help massively. Just knowing that you understand how he feels can help him to relax, and move on. If he's relaxed and calm, he may then feel like doing what is expected of him at bedtime.

Hi Leo - just wanted to say that I am having the same issues with my 5 year old at the moment - very, very similar to what you describe. He shares with his younger brother who is 2 so it is hard because either they muck about together and wind each other up or, if I put DS2 down first which is what I have been doing recently, DS1 will often wake him up - not deliberately at first but once he realises he has done it he seems to thrive on the chaos it causes - which of course then sends my blood pressure soaring where I may have been holding it together before. I am hoping it is related to our situation which has been one of total upheaval for the last 2 months as we relocated abroad and DS1 has been out of school for that time. But I do think that this is likely to be a direct result of stress over one thing or another. I am trying to teach myself that when he does it, it is because he is lacking something (attention from me, the working mum), or is worried about something (new school etc). Hang in there, you have some great advice above and you are doing great. I like the idea of the audiobooks. Not sure it would work so well with the little one but I might be tempted to try anyway.