Desperate for some advice - 7 year old violence

[Titsalinabumsquash]

I have hit a wall today.

I'm in hospital with my DS1 (9) (regular thing) DP is at home with DS2 (7) and DS3 (16 months)

We've had a problem for a while with DS2's anger, he has real violent outbursts over anything and they go on and on until he yells himself out of it.

They've gone from being "stupid idiot I hate you" to full destruction of the upstairs, throwing anything he can find down the stairs and making threats to cut us and kill us when we're asleep

Firstly I don't know where he is getting these things from, I am really strict with the television he watches and games he plays and he certainly wouldn't hear things like that at home from us.

There are multiple things going on, sorry if this post goes on forever.

He is being bullied, he has been since reception, I have Ben in to the school hundreds of times,but as soon as things ease up we go right back to square one, this has resulted in it I'm stammering badly and his confidence is gone. The schools last response was the head telling me to be patient for a little bit longer as changes are being made, she couldn't say what.

He says he is jealous of his brothers, I Dan understand this, DS1 has a long term health condition that means hours of daily medical routine and his baby brother is just that, a baby, he obviously needs a bit more hands on attention. I have made sure thought that DS2 gets one on one time and has special things that are just his but it's not made a hot of difference.

The school have suggested asking for a CHAMS referral from the GP which I have done but have been warned that it's several months wait for an appointment and even then there isn't a lot they can do.

I have completely run out of ideas, I have tried star charts, love bombing, strict isolation for violence but nothing works, it's getting worse if anything.

I'm terrified he is going to either hurt himself badly or hurt one of his brothers so DP and I are currently taking daily beatings from him trying to diffuse him away from the rest of them.

He goes to his and DS1's Dads house every weekend, he doesn't behave like this there, he does to behave like it at school and he also goes out with a community support team and he is good as gold there.

He gets loads of time outside, playing and running off steam and he does weekly sports clubs and he eats well.

I've just had a call from DP to say that he's again torn apart his room, I can hear him in the background screaming abuse at DP.

What on earth do we do next?

Sorry for the typos, blurry, sore eyes do to make for great typing!

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you OP.

I do not have much advise, hopefully someone with more experience will be along soon

As a teacher, I know that the school has to take the bullying seriously- if you feel you that the HT is being vague you must go straight to the board of Governors. And if that doesn't work, go to your LEA.

Your poor DS, it is terrible that the bullying is still happening

Also push the school for a referral to Education psychologist.

I have said that they have until Easter break has finished to tell me meme exactly what they're planning to do about it otherwise I'll be going above them to the LEA.

I wish DS2 would agree to move school, he has just 1 boy who he is obsessed with because he finds making friends so hard but he's refused to move schools plus I'm not sure how I'd get him and DS1 to different schools at the same time!

It's one of those things that I tank would either be the making of I hmmm, a fresh start with fresh people and new friends or it would make things a million times worse.

I will keep on at the school until it is sorted, the child that is doing the bulling seriously attacked another child in the class so I'm hoping as awful as it sounds that the child is removed, I don't think he is safe enough to be in a mainstream school tbh but that's not for discussing here.

People have suggested I send him to his dad's full time and just have him weekends but I think that would make him think we were "keeping" his brothers and getting rid of him and I think it would make it worse somehow if that makes sense.

I just wish I had some idea of how to help him.

I thought love bombing would work but realistically I can only do a certain amount with all 3 of them and whenever we have to stop with DS2 to go back to some normality he starts all over again.

I can see what you mean about a fresh start, but the practicalities of getting two children to different schools may be a logistical nightmare?

I agree with your reasoning about not sending him to live with his DF- this could start a whole heap of abandonment issues (no way suggesting you are abandoning him IWSYIM, but he may think that in years to come).

Have you seen your GP to get your DS referred to see a counsellor?

I think you sound like you're doing a brilliant job btw I can't imagine how hard thai must be

I have spoken to a GP, she said she'll put in a referral for CHAMS but warned it won't be anytime soon as they're floundering as a department they're oversubscribed and greatly under funded, I know from trying to get DS1 a referral it's been a nightmare.

I won't send him to his DF's I don't think it would help one iota.

At the moment I've taken to reverting back to what I used to do when he was a toddler and just wrapping him up in my arms and letting him sob until it's over.
He seems so tormented and I don't know how to help him.
I could make it work with schools if I had to, if it would make him better, is there somewhere does anyone know where there is a list of schools accepting children at the moment?

My worry is that he'll think He's either being punished or it will make him feel further excluded from everything.

You sound like you are doing a really great job.

Keep pushing for the referral to CAHMS.

I would seriously be considering other schools, even if you have to pay for after school club for one child. If you phone the LEA they will have a list of schools with places. KS2 doesn't have to stick to 30 per class, so you should have your pick. I would take him to look at a possible school, and ask him if he would like to change schools. (I would usually not advise asking a 7yo, but just make the decision for him, but it sounds like your DS needs to feel like he has a bit of control)

I don't have any real advice, sorry, just wanted you to know you are not the only mum who has had an angry son.

Thank you

He's such a lovely boy and he's so desperate to have friends to play with.

Any advice at this point is welcome! I don't want him to be some a resentful, angry teen.

This sounds awful for you hun and it sounds like you are doing everything you can!!

Talk to the school nurse, they can also do cahms referrals and may be able to expedite it.

And I wouldn't be giving the school til the end of easter, i would tell them that they have until the end of this week and after that you will be taking it to the governing body, lea, your mp and the press of they continue to ignore it.

Your son is crying out for help in all the wrong ways but as someone who suffered years of bullying I cam understand him lashing out. I attacked my sister physically and battered her numerous times when we were kids, I am not proud of it and I did get help but I knew no other way to release all the pain and anger.

You need to show your son that no matter what he does you still love him, as hard as it will be when you try and restrain him do it with "hugs" so both arms wrapped around him over the top of his arms so he can hit out, do it from behind of you can so he can't kick you. Keep telling him you love him and you want to help him. It won't change the situation but it will show him eventually that it doesn't matter how hard he pushes you away you are going nowhere.

You say that he has one friend at school, could they have had a falling out? Would it be worth talking to this kids parents to see if they know if anything has happened?

Good luck xxx

Also, try getting him into a local Beaver scouts or something similar that is outside of his normal school catchment of you can as it will give him a separate set of friends and it might help him settle.

Or try martial arts as they will teach him how to control his anger and violent temper

He does Karate after school which he seems to enjoy :)

His friend at school is the sort of boy that is a social butterfly, he is friends with everyone, including the bully, as DS's only friend, DS has become really possessive and finds it hard to hold onto any identity he has, he mimics this boy, I think he sees him with lots of friends so he tries to be him to try and have the same result. This boy is trying to distance himself from DS, I think he finds it a bit much tbh.

I will do what I have to at school, one way or another I'll get it sorted, unfortunately they dint have split classes or multiples so I can't move his class or anything, it's either the whole school or nothing.

I always tell him I live him regardless, even when he's screaming that he hates us I always reply with "well that's fine, because even though you hate us, we love you and we always will"

It's hard currently, I have another week to go in the hospital with DS1 but I'll do what I can with the school, the Easter holidays start on Friday though it does give me a week to write out a clear plan of what I expect from the school and what steps we need to take.

Thanks again for everyone's help.

Poor kid must feel like his world is crashing down if his one friend is avoiding him!

And your other sons illness must take its toll on everyone.

Kids aren't as good as dealing with stuff as we like to think are they?!

Hope you get things sorted with the school hun! My school refused to listen! My parents went up every day for. Years and nothing changed until I decided enough was enough and I lashed out at the bullies. Funnily enough they were bloody quick at dealing with me!