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Original poster

down and upset

79 replies

ruty · 14/08/2006 14:30

I don't really know if this is the best place to post, and I tried to post under an anonymous name but it wouldn't let me so now I'll just have to humiliate myself. I am sure there are people who can't stand me here, so I didn't really want to ask for help but i'm just so fed up right now. DH and I moved to the town we live in just before ds was born. He will be two next month. We are so frigging lonely and it is starting to really get to ds. I think I am a pretty easy going person, OK to talk to, I ask interesting questions and don't think I have a second head I don't know about or anything. And ds just adores other children - he goes up to them and is desperate to befriend them - though he often gets ignored. He had a little friend who we used to meet up with once or twice a week, and I got on with her Mum and that was great, but they left to go back to the States a few months ago and ds really felt the loss. We go to mother and baby groups, and we go to the Park. Ds tries to make eye contact with other kids all the time, with varying degrees of success. Only one mother that I have met from these groups has offered me her phone number - I rang her and we get together sometimes but her dd is a bit older than ds and not very interested in him. We have one other friend who has a dd, again a bit older than ds, and she's not very interested in him either. She can be quite horrible to him, push him and snatch things off him, but I know that's just how kids are sometimes and i suppose he'll have to get used to it.
Today, we went to the park, and there was a group of mothers with toddlers having a picnic on a blanket. Ds took my hand and led me up to the group, and wanted to sit down with them. They ignored us completely. In the end i had to pick him up and take him away, and he started to scream and cry. He cries in the park if anybody leaves - he is so desperate to make friends. It breaks my heart and I feel quite lonely myself. We go to a music class, and at the end of last term, two other mums and I planned to have a picnic after the last class - so I turn up with picnic on the last week, and one of the mums is not there, and the other is meeting her husband for lunch in the pub - and we are not invited. She was obviously embarrassed but the picnic was not mentioned, and I was just hurt and baffled.
Please don;t think I think my ds is better than any other child - I don't and god knows he has his moments of tantrums and horrible behaviour. But he does seem to love other children so much, and is desperate for friends. We live in a tiny flat in an area where most people seem to live in huge houses, and there is not really the room to invite people back to ours, even if I had the courage to.
I just don't know how to turn this around, and feel quite angry that no one has ever bothered to try and welcome us into what seems like a clique. Sorry for rant, you probably think I'm a self pitying twat - so be it.

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FioFio · 14/08/2006 15:12

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Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:15

church! Now that is scary.
actually, we've just started going to a new 'emerging church' meet up [basically a priest and some people having mass and a sing/interactive sermon in a park, but more questioning and exploratory than normal church] and there is a delightful little girl there who Theo loves - she does go to nursery full time though. We are very new to the group so haven't plucked up the courage to invite the mum over yet, and she works full time, so I always think she'll want to chill at home at weekends, but must try when i know her a bit better.

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Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:15

I meant ds.

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desperateSCOUSEwife · 14/08/2006 15:18

ruty read your thread and it is so on your LO
would it help if he went to a childminders once a week morning/afternoon so he could find some little friends and give him something to look forward to
xxx

welshmum · 14/08/2006 15:23

I did hesitate before mentioning it but our church is full to the rafters with under 4's (not literally - they wouldn't stay still long enough to be piled up) We end up in creche putting the world to rights over a cup of tea while the children play, just wondered it there was somewhere like that near you. Hopefully the one you've started at will prove to be just as friendly.

Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:24

I have to admit that i am absolutely terrified of leaving ds with someone i don't know. Stems back to a nasty experience with a midwife who took him from me after birth - I have had some counselling about it but still unable to leave him with someone I don't know - something i know I will have to do eventually but want to wait until he can talk properly.

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Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:26

maybe we should try a normal church too welshmum - though i'm worried that Christians can be just as unfriendly as non Christians - maybe i should try it first though!

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desperateSCOUSEwife · 14/08/2006 15:28

thats fair enough ruty
hope he finds some little friends soon

ps we have only moved in recently and I knocked on a door down the road the other day, felt cheeky but seen her at school gates with a little ds the same age as mine
and suggested playdates for them
she agreed, and we dont even know eachother
ds3 went there on saturday
and her little one came here yesterday
it was good, hopefully you can find the same sort of thing in your neighborhood

Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:37

good for you DSW! I have to say though people around here look at you as if you are completely mad if you start a conversation with them and they don't know you.

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Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:37

good for you DSW! I have to say though people around here look at you as if you are completely mad if you start a conversation with them and they don't know you.

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Wilbur · 14/08/2006 15:50

Ruty - Just wanted to add my support here (and bond as we have ds's with the same name - good choice !). It's hell being lonely and must be so hard to move to a new place and start fresh, esp when you're also getting used to family life. Your ds sounds like a lovely little fellow and I hope so much that some of the advice here leads you to some new people and friends for your both. The other thing I wondered about is what about a babysitting club? Can you see if there is one in your area, or start one up yourself (there used to be a website about how to do it). I suggest it as I know my parents met most of their friends through a sitting circle when they moved here from America, it gave them a way to break into a village clique as they were offering help to others and gradually they got to know the other parents and kids that way. Take care - hope you're feeling better soon.

welshmum · 14/08/2006 15:53

Ruty - I think Christians can be just as unfriendly as anyone else and just as insular too. Some of the worst people I know say they're Christian BUT some places can really help you out. Why not go church shopping and see if there's anywhere round you that works? There are worse ways to spend a Sunday morning and ds might meet some great kids in the creches.

Original poster
ruty · 14/08/2006 15:57

thanks wilbur and welshmum. It has made me feel a bit better talking with you all - sometimes I feel I'm going loopy having no one [over the age of two] to talk to. And the idea of church shopping brought a smile to my face!

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moyasmum · 14/08/2006 16:15

ruty and nogoes, just to say I feel for you both and have also been there .Remember, it really isn't you, of course,and at the end of the day there are a lot of unresponsive ,duff, people around. My dd1 had the experience you describe and it really upset me,in spite of what I did ,nothing happened ,dd2 was tried with a different playgroup/nursery/village and she met some lovely open children who behaved the way you know your child would expect. It really is down to luck and timing,I know it hurts, but please dont give up on finding the decent mums and kids out there.

Jimjams2 · 14/08/2006 16:16

ruty- know how you feel- decided that I needed to socialise ds3 a bit more so we go to a music class. Despite smiles (from me) and opening comments (from me) I don't think another mother has actually spoken to me there! Never mind.

I did find the NCT group locally quite friendly (but have had bad experiences with ds1). Worth checking out an open house as the host has to be friendly to you! I don't think you have to be a member to go.

DS3 has been to childminders on an occasional basis, and will be going to nursery one day a week from Sept- so he;ll get to play with other children. I've found my adult friends from outside the mother circuit.

Jimjams2 · 14/08/2006 16:18

oh just read the thread now re the NCT, and leaving ds. how about a mnet meet up?

glassofwine · 14/08/2006 16:26

Ruty - you might be better off when you move into a surrounding village. I moved into a village and have had far more of a social life with and without children then before. If I were you I'd concentrate on finding a new house for the time being and then start from scratch. If you look for a village with a good school you'll find it's full of families, most villages are very welcoming.

lazycow · 14/08/2006 16:46

Oh ruty

We also live in a tiny flat with no garden so inviting others over is very difficult and even though I work PT I find it difficult the days I don't work as I am not around enough to make a social network at home IYSWIM

We almost moved to Oxford from London recently but it all fell through else we could have met up. tbh I resisted the move to Oxford as I would have had to give up work and was worried I (and as a result DS) would be lonely.

Don't give up you will find some nice mums and children out there. In the meantime keep posting. If we do end up moving to Oxford - can I contact you? By then you will have settled in somewhere probably in a lovely village/town nearby - (by the way - have you looked at Abingdon? as a possibility) and be too busy to have a new person in your life

SittingBull · 14/08/2006 16:58

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bobblehead · 14/08/2006 17:49

Ruty just want to say I know how you feel and totally sympathise. We emigrated 4 years ago and after around a year made a few friend through work, though all slightly younger than me, single,etc. Then I left work to have dd, who is now 14month and went through the same loneliness. I joined a few classes and made a couple of friends I'd get together with once a month or so, and one very good friend who I spent lots of time with, so dd's first year was great. Now however my friend has returned to work fulltime and I feel so lonely. When I take dd to the park other people always seem to be in pairs and though they come across as unfriendly I realise its just because they're not thinking and just carrying on their own conversations, no doubt much the same as I used to do.
I am now 6 weeks pg with #2 so starting to feel emotional and lonely. I have signed up for a few classes starting next month which will atleast get us out the house and let dd meet some other toddlers.

Your ds sounds lovely btw and I'm sure a lot of it is that not all children his age are that sociable.

flashingnose · 14/08/2006 17:54

sittingbull, what a lovely offer

ruty, have you considered starting a Book Club? Not as daunting as it sounds and it would give you an "in" with people that you liked the look of (plus the size of your flat/house would be irrelevant). Obviously no help with ds but I think it would really help you IYKWIM.

sparklemagic · 14/08/2006 18:33

ruty, you've had some brilliant posts here and little for me to add, except that it IS NOT JUST YOU!!!!! Your sociable DS sounds totally adorable btw.

I have had exactly the same response as you at mother/baby/toddler groups, and to an extent at the pre-school gates...most mums i have met at these things seem to isolate themselves once they have their own groups and don't need to worry anymore - I'm disgusted with that group of mums who didn't welcome you to join their picnic, what meanies. But you have to put alot of it down to social inadequacy to be brutally honest; it's not difficult to say "why don't you join us?"....

I moved this year and have made one 'mum' friend from pre-school (she also moved here this year so that explains why we 'found' eachother!)

I have totally given up on meeting people like this and it saved my sanity; I never went along to toddler groups to chat, I simply played with my DS and any little ones who tagged along, and forgot about the mums, and that took the pressure off, meaning that I enjoyed things more.

I think now that my DS gets plenty of social time at school, and has made little friendships which he will develop as time goes on, and tbh I see a very few friends that I had pre-children for my grown-up conversation....and that suits me; I think if I didn't have those friends in this area I would have joined some sort of club or two, to hopefully meet people I have something in common with!!!

I do hope things improve but remember 90% of mums feel as you do, some of the time. x

alexw · 14/08/2006 19:03

Ruty, about the little girl your son likes at church whose mother works full time.. I work full time and dd is at nursery and I know that she would love some company at the weekend too as would I. It is nice to chill at home too, but don't write off us workers - if anything we're more useless at meeting people cos we don't have to make the effort like sahms. hth

bobblehead · 14/08/2006 19:04

Ruty may also be that you don't look lonely and in need of friendship so other mums just see you as a confidant mum out with her ds and don't consider you may wish to join them, especially as your ds is so sociable they probably think you have tons of friends already!

Dior · 14/08/2006 19:15

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