I am not enjoying (almost) 7 y/o DD's defiance, any ideas to help?

[totallyaimless]

Defiance is most likely a too strong a word, but if I say go left she'll go right, say run she will snail walk, say its black she says white. When her friends come here to play she will say 'no' to ideas for activities straight away even if its something she likes doing. She is doing OK at school as far as I can tell but never gets the weekly award, or any commendations for that matter so suspect this attitude goes into the classroom.

She is her own person and independent, and I love that and she will be a very strong minded adult one day. However, she is almost 7 and driving me to the end of my tether.

I realise its all control. But how can I encourage some 'grey' in the black and white?

Also, I cannot seem to get her to understand that at school she must respect the teacher/s and not push back. How can I encourage her to be more compliant at school?

For the record she is an only child, we both work FT but she has a varied after school programme, and I do collect on a Friday. At weekends I make sure we do stuff together, and always snuggle in front of a film or similar to chill down as well.

Its sad, she is funny and lovely but I am not enjoying her. Any ideas please? Thanks.

If she's just being contrary, I would ignore it. Often they can just be trying to get a rise.

If it's appropriate you could make a joke out of it. "Not that left, the other left!"

With regards to having friends over, have a chat beforehand and remind about manners and playing nicely. Keep things positive instead of reprimanding her, and praise like mad when you see cooperative behaviour.

If you think it's about control, can you give her some over a situation? Phrase it like a choice: instead of "clean your teeth DD", "would you like to clean your teeth first or shower first?".

When there is real defiance, i.e. to you or a teacher, what are the consequences?

Definitely praise all positive behavior, be firm but undramatic when she is acting out. My middle dd went through some of the same at that age (with me rather than school) just be kind but firm and make sure she knows who is in charge (you). Testing boundaries of behavior is normal but don't let her disrespect you. Just say you need to ask me in a kind voice or ignore/leave room if she is defiant. Give her consequences if she crosses boundaries/is out of line.

Dd is lovely now - still has a strong personality though and she's only 10 so we may revisit this when she's a teen [rolls eyes, please God no!]

Thank you both for responding. I think things have become pretty negative to be fair, I am just worn down by it all I think. Will try much harder to use a lighter voice and try to ignore the boundary pushing when not really that important, pick my battles.

One love is films, she could watch them back to back if I let her so in the event of real defiance I usually withdraw screen time for the day, then make sure it is 'earned' the next day by nice manners.

She asked today for her old red/green counter and jar thing back so I am desperately searching for it, if that works as a moral compass then so be it!

I also challenged her today to go into class and politely say good morning to the teacher, then when I picked up tonight reminded her of the bid beamy smile she got rewarded with, trying to get her to understand 'respect' by using the 'do unto others' ... she is just so stubborn to have her own way, sometimes she cuts off her nose to spite her face.

Right, will get some sleep in make sure I am positive tomorrow rather than the nagging old cow I seem to have become....