Really wish I hadnt given her an ultimatum..............

[tiswas]

My dd 3.4 can be a terror at mealtimes, she doesnt eat well and just messes about all the time, especially if daddy sorts out her food!
Today daddy sorted her dinner and I told her if she doesnt eat her dinner nicely we wouldnt be going to the Hungry Horse at teatime. Low and behold she really messed him about, didnt listen to dh and now we're not going
Wish I had not said it, cos I really wanna go and can't back track now

ahhh but F&Z you are not responsible for your partners behavior. If he started throwing peas at you in a restaurant, you could get up and walk off, leaving him to take the consequences. you can't do that to a three year old

but FZ - you're reasons mean that you're treating a child just like and adult - but they're not - they're children!!!

Children learn through rewards AND punishment how to behave and even children that aren't 'punished' will still be heard to say (in the playground) "if you do x,y or z I won't be your friend anymore" (or similar).

As they get older they understand the reasons behind the punishments better and it doesn't automatically mean that they'll be saying things like that all the time as adults.

And TBH I'd be very suprised if there was a single person on MN who'd NEVER been in a situation where another adult has said to them (or indeed they themselves have said) something along the lines of "if you do this/that then I'll do the other"............ Life is full of ultimatum's - it's just the ones we give to children are different to the ones we give/recieve as adults.

id not spill tears ove ahungry horse tbh

What IS a hungry horse?

its a shitey place

Tiswas, should have said, I also think it's good you carried it through. Saying she can earn it back just puts more pressure on in an already difficult position and how much worse would you both feel if you don't get to go after all? I think just leaving it to look forward to another time is the best thing.

have looked at menu online
they do serve a " good cod almighty"

I have just given dd her dinner, she ate all of it allbeit labouriously, and didnt get down once!! HA HA (it did sink in for the time being anyway) She must of asked me 20 times during it 'are you happy mummy?? so I have rewarded her with a trip to the HH tommorrow. It remains to be seen if this trend continues!

I with F & Z on this one, it's not treating children like adults it is treating them as human beings learning to be adults life isn't full of ultimatums it is full of compromises and this means teaching your child how to do this - if I was in tiswas position I would have found a way for dd to redeem herslf and then gone for teh meal

Colditz, in a pea throwing situation, there would be clear consequences - we would have to leave if it didn't stop. That's not a threat, or a punishment - it's just what would happen - you can't throw peas in a restaurant and expect to remain to enjoy your meal. In the case of "if this bad behaviour doesn't stop then xyz (certain treat) will not happen", the consequences are completely unconnected to the situation. This is just a random punishment and I don't think it teached children anything, other than people who are bigger / more powerful than you, can do nasty things to you, to get you to do what they want.

LOL @ "are you happy mummy?"

usually twangs the old heart strings a bit, doesn't it? I know I have gone a bit too far putting the frighteners on ds when he starts being extremely good

Ah bless! Nice one, Tiswas....bon appetit for tomorrow...

fair play hope you all enjoy your meal

cod how can it possibly be shitey then?

TBH gothicmama - that is what I usually do - but my dd is always full of remorse and 'mummy I will never ever do this ever again' The!n followed by creepy good behaviour until she gets what she wants - until the next time and the whole thing starts again - So this time I tried to be tough! Horrible to be honest, but something tells me I will hear about this episode for a while to come when she remembers and is being naughty.
BTW Our HH isnt that bad, as I've aleady said its a cheapie meal where the kids can enjoy themselves and parents can chill out for a bit - It beats trying to keep the kids quiet in a snotty expensive resturant where the other diners stare at you for having children like your some kind of freak !!

F&Z, was just trying to tie sleepy, pregnant brain into knots to describe difference between 'choices' and 'ultimatums' (for me). Thanks, you just did it for me.
All I know is, if there's a logical consequence and I give dd a choice, I feel relatively calm and centred. If I am desperate to regain lost control (sadly often) or make things go my way, I feel mean or it just doesn't work.
But Franny and the pea situation says it better.

Why haven't we got a HH near me?!

Thinking about it some more, if dp started throwing peas in a restaurant, I wouldn't get up and leave, anyway. I'd stay and take photos

I'd hide under the table and watch him go red