Really wish I hadnt given her an ultimatum..............

[tiswas]

My dd 3.4 can be a terror at mealtimes, she doesnt eat well and just messes about all the time, especially if daddy sorts out her food!
Today daddy sorted her dinner and I told her if she doesnt eat her dinner nicely we wouldnt be going to the Hungry Horse at teatime. Low and behold she really messed him about, didnt listen to dh and now we're not going
Wish I had not said it, cos I really wanna go and can't back track now

Know exactly what you mean but good on you for sticking to it. I'm really bad at that especially if its something I want to do!

Cheese on toast for her, enormous take away for you and dh after she's in bed

I've done similar to ds before and felt more hard done by than he was ever going to be!

Oh Tiswas - been there done that! Isn't it just bloody annoying! Not sure what else you can do! Good for you for standing your ground though, I have plenty of friends that wouldn't (which can be just as annoying!)

ah can't she make it up in the meantime (i'm no good at sticking to ultimatums)

I know I'm doing the right thing but its damn annoying, will have to think twice next time about the consequences I set out!!
Feel a terrible mummy she is quite distraught we're not going - she loves it there its got big play area inside & big bouncy castle outside and me and dh get a bit of time to chill!!
I have had 'I'm never going do it again mummy' 100 times in the last hour But I know she will !! She says that at least 10 times a day, which is why I need to get tough

I hope I don't crumble before teatime !!

You're right, imo, you can't give in now. She needs to know you mean it. I used to threaten things I DIDN'T want to do, i.e. if you don't stop, we're not going to the park (I hate the park!)

No - this'll work - hold on in there! Because now you're armed with the ultimate weapon: "Remember what happened last time..." and she will and she will wibble

She's already tried that one, I think she realises she's blown it for today so now its can we go there tommorrow mummy?
We're off to Cornwall this week so won't be going there for a while!

It'll be worth it in the end Tiswas! Have a nice time in cornwall

I will try that Nellie, see how it goes. She drives me nuts at meal times, TBH she is a really good girl most of the time apart from her eating and mealtimes. She eats like a sparrow and is a total veggie (thats another thread) Apart from thats she's so good on the whole, dh thinks I'm a bit too harsh!!

Thanks for that F & Z !! TBH our Hungry Horse isnt that bad, its great for a cheapie meal when the weather is crap like today - and you don't have to entertain the kids - Gives dh & me a chance to breathe!! and chill a bit
On a bit of a budget as going on Holiday on Wednesday

Why don't you give her an early tea and if she behaves go out and have your meal out & let her play (of course she will prob mess about)

F&Z, really??? You don't think that just possibly it might teach them that if someone in authority objects to their unreasonable behaviour, maybe it would be smart to change it?

Imagine how schools and society would function without sanctions

I'm of the 'if you're not hungry, get down from table' and dull nutritious snack school of thought, for next time...but can relate, have usually regretted the odd times I've done sanctions without carefully thinking through what the consequences are for me!

That said, we were having a meal out the other day and an understandably stressed and pregnant Mum was trying to discipline her eldest dd (she had two with her) by saying 'if you do that again, we're leaving' which she then was totally incapable of carrying out (probably too hungry, poor woman). The girl was utterly confused, upset, and angry - and the woman was too. I felt for them both, and dd asked me several times 'why is that girl crying? why is that lady saying go home?' clearly confused by the fact that they weren't going.
So I think you're doing the right thing not to back down now....well done.

Thanks Elibean, We're still here having had a very dull afternoon indoors!! But think she's got the message - At least have saved some money !!

Yep - spend it on that huge takeaway, I would, or plan for a trip out to the HH soon!

Ursula, no, I don't think motivating people by use of punishments in general is a good thing. I want my children to grow up into adults who want to behave because they know it is the right thing to do, because they want to be useful members of society, and because they have internalised the values of our culture - not because they are scared that someone might punish them if they don't. I feel that when this process breaks down and manipulative sanctions are needed, something has gone wrong. I also think we expect too much from very young children who are learning, slowly, how to behave like adults.

I have also observed the effect it has on my dp when I use this sort of discipline (I find it virtually impossible to avoid falling back on punishments and rewards myself , even though I don't believe they are right). He starts to say things to us like "If you don't......abc....then I will.....xyz." He has learnt that this is the way you deal with a situation where someone isn't doing what you want. I don't want him to grow up thinking this is how human beings behave to one another - I would be pretty appalled if dp said something like "We are not going out for dinner tonight because you did not behave very nicely to me earlier."