What do you do? Early sibling rivalry...

[spots]

How do you react when toddler of 2.3 pinches baby hard? I absolutely saw red today when DD1 did this. Without a word, scooped her up, deposited her in back door of house and shut her in (we were in garden). I have never done anything like this to her before; ended up comforting her more than the baby. But the worst of it was that I actually wanted to smack her hand away. How little sense would that show?! So glad I didn't but I was livid. What do you say? What do you do? How can you stop it escalating? I spend so much of each day explaining 'More gentle than that darling, no, even MORE gentle than that...!' It's not usually as viscious as pinching though.

I think that considering the circumstances you reacted very well.

If DD is feeling jealous, I think that you have to reasure her that you still love her as much as you love the baby (or even more until she gets the idea). Try to arrange some time to be only with her and, let her know that pinching baby will not be tolerated.

If problem continues, give her a warning and if she insists, send her to the naughty step. But don't get angry with her, for a child who is missing some exclusive attention, it is better to get bad attention than not at all.

I think sibling rivalry is inevitable - my 3 all display it to some extent. I found 'Siblings without rivalry' (Faber and Mazlish) a good source of ideas on this (although a touch Americanised and twee in places). I think you did the right thing removing her from scene of crime. It works for me when I praise any good behaviour both to child and in their hearing to another adult 'DS is so kind to baby - he did this for her today'. They usually respond well to this. But have to say I still have daily problems with fighting/jealous children (they can be kind to each other sometimes!). It is something I worry about a lot.

Yes amateurmum I read SWR and wished it had more on the early years. Because really there's not a lot of talk and an awful lot of action. DD1 is a very verbal child but it doesn't seem right to start talking about the problem until it is visible, as it was today. Until now it's been steel hand in velvet glove. When it next happens perhaps it's an opportunity to express more clearly the things that you are all saying, which I think are right...

oh I was so mad though. It's really pushed my buttons. I sort of felt it was wrong to let my buttons get so pushed ! But yes it's the protecting vulnerable DD2 that's done it of course. It's so hard to believe that a 2 year old can't just see that the baby is little and helpless.

I know what you mean about feeling slightly guilty for your anger. When ds's are unkind to baby it makes me rage inside (and outside too often). I do think this is a natural protective reaction but feel bad that I am expecting too much of my older children who are also very young and unable to display mature levels of self control. As with all parenting concerns, I feel that being aware of the issues (which you clearly are) is half the battle.

But they can't spots. They just can't. They live in their own feelings and in the moment at that age. I found it really helpful to pretend to be the voice of the baby to my older child - adopted a squeaky little voice and said things like, 'I really love you big sister. You are my best big sister. I wish I could eat X like you do. I wish I could do X like you do." I kept it up a lot in the early days and think it really helped. I also constantly pointed out that the poor silly baby couldn't talk or do anything so needed us to help her. Made the older child feel very proud of their new status and more protective. You could even say (when you've all calmed down and baby isn't howling), "Ow, big sister. That hurt me. Please don't pinch me, I love you very much. Please cuddle me instead."

But the cuddles...! The double decker bus of cuddles. They are half the problem, and you can't tell if it's intentional or not.

How old are your children?

I have lots of photos of the big one cuddling the little one when she was weeny and she looks absolutely terrified and as if she's being crushed/strangled - I tended to think it was just toughening her up, and she's very tough now at nearly two!! She survived! I tried not to intervene if the cuddle was real, even if the baby looked a bit squashed. I do recommend the talking in a funny voice though. Sounds mad, but it's worked for quite a few people I know.

SPots - I've posted about this on "our" May 2004 thread. DS has grown up being partly adored, partly hated (!) by DD...and he is more or less oblivious to her moods, and remains steadfastly in love with her.

'Sounds like you're saying' (recognize the tone?) that their relationship has its own dynamics and that that will settle into being a part of their lives and personalities, come what may...

That's a comforting thought actually.

By the way bibliophile, DD2 has been known to announce her thoughts in a booming bass voice or warbly birdy one; not sure if perhaps DD1 has rather a skewed perspective on her little sister's personality as a result!