3 year old lashing out - what on earth do I do?

[melbournemum]

My normally placid 3 year old ds is suddenly lashing out at anyone and everyone. He now hits dh and I if we reprimand him for anything and is hitting/teasing/antagonising his 14month old brother constantly. Today he had his cousins over and he spent virtually the entire time pushing and throwing things and finally pushed his 4yr old cousin into the water at the beach and rubbed mud in his hair (its the middle of winter here!) I am at wits end and at the moment I am so upset I can't look at him. What was meant to be a lovely day with my sister and her children ended up a disaster because of ds's behaviour. I've tried time out and toy confiscation and the corner, he just doesn't care. Sometimes there is a nasty edge to his behaviour that I find very upsetting. HELP!! (sorry, long and rambling!)

Mine did this too. Pushing boundaries. That's all. Perfectly normal. I'd just put him away from me with a firm "NO" and kept on doing it. Gradually it stopped. Good luck.

I am sorry to hear this. I think you need to dredge up some positive feelings from somewhere for him - although I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. I am wondering if it is to do with ds1's jealousy and anger towards your 14 month old who is presumably toddling around, taking up loads of your time, and generally being a nuisance to your older son? Do you feel you could give ds1 more of your time and attention at all? (I would guess this could be difficult but could help in the long term). Or is there another family member eg Grandma, who could spend some time each week with your son on his own and try to make him feel a bit special and grown up?

I wouldn't use methods like toy confiscation as I think this just teaches children that if someone does something we don't like, it's ok to do something unpleasant to them to punish them (which is more or less what your son is doing). I would try to find things you can praise him for and spend some time together doing something you genuinely both enjoy. He does sound angry and probably feels guilty for his emotions and his actions as well. Are there things around the house he could help you with? I expect he also needs to be the baby sometimes, so I would give him chances to have cuddles and be rocked and sung to, as well. How difficult for you all. I hope any of these ideas help in some way.

thanks so much FrannyandZooey for your ideas and kind words, they really do throw a more positive light on the situation. I have been reacting in a negative way when of course what he is obviously screaming for is some time and attention. DS2 is a darling but you are spot on, he is toddling into absolutely everything. I actually feel like hugging ds1 now and might go and do just that :-).
thanks also Pfer, its reassuring to hear I'm not the only one to have gone through this phase.

MM my son is the same age and I find myself infuriated with him on a regular basis so it was not too hard to imagine myself in the same position I am very glad if it helped

hi again all

this morning we went to our regular play group and ds1 proceeeded to push, shove, snatch at random and through sand into a little girls hair. He is also having a lot of 'accidents' which my dh says are in no way accidents and I must have changed his trousers half a dozen times over the past three days. I just don't know what has got into him and don't know what to do. I've tried to talk to him, to find out what is upsetting him but he says he doesn't know... I don't feel comfortable in having him play with other children when he is like this. Any advice so welcome!

whoops, that should read 'threw sand'

Any MSG in his diet? That can send my placid ds into the child from hell and he will hit and kick and shout like no tomorrow.

If he is eating a colour free, additive free (and that means preservatives on raisins and other worthy foods), MSG free (621 or 627) and sweetener free existance and getting enough sleep then all I can suggest is read some Diane Levy as she makes a lot of sense.

Reading some Sue Dengate may also help. She is the failsafe food lady.

Poor you, can imagine this is really hard.

I think he's too little to be able to verbalise his feelings in any detail. Which isn't terribly helpful but explains the 'I don't know'. It'll take a bit longer for the positive attention to work through and change his environment so don't give up on that.

In public, I'd keep a VERY close eye on him, watch for any triggers, and intervene as soon as you can see him getting ready to hit or throw. When he's done something wrong, make sure other parents can see you react fast and remove him from the situation, telling him NO or whatever phrase you use - so other people know you aren't permitting this behaviour and so he knows there are immediate conseequences and there are boundaries you will enforce.

Keep it simple when you tell him off or remove him - don't use long explanations (or lengthy instructions) as they go over their heads.

Develop your voice of authority - a very calm but firm 'mummy is not messing around now' voice, not shrill or high-pitched or asking him to behave. For some reason it's easy to slip into negotiating or asking (I do it when I'm not being careful!) but you need to be in charge and sound like it. Practice in front of the mirror if you have to!

Hope someone else comes along with some ideas too. Agree this is probably a developmental stage he will grow out of. But in the meantime he needs to be reassured that you love him, and that includes very obvious even exaggerated paying attention to what he's doing and intervening when he gets carried away - children like to know you care enough about him to keep an eye on what he's up to. Sometimes they act up to get attention and it's reassuring to know 'mummy won't let me get away with that' as it indicates you care about what he does esp. if combined with some positive attention.

HTH

thanks so much for the tips and support, we've actually had a good couple of days. I've slowed down, used a calm firm tone and been more of a physical presence shadowing him when we are with other kids and it seems to be working. He is generally pretty healthy but I will definitely have a think through his diet threebob, thanks for that tip. Getting there!