Help! At my wits end with 2.9 year old

[jasmineramsden]

Hi all
Life is pretty dire at the moment with my son's behaviour which seems to be having a knock on effect on pretty much everything including relationship with my partner :(.
He is a beautiful little boy but demanding doesn't begin to cover his temperament, it is incessant. He says NO from the minute he opens his eyes it seems to when he goes to bed and we are completely exhausted. He is incredibly particular over EVERYTHING for instance he will demand a particular item of clothing to wear and if said item is dirty/wet so he can't wear it, he will have an epic meltdown screaming, throwing things, trying to break toys, banging his ehad aginst the floor, the whole bit. He is constantly seconds away from a breakdown and my nerves are frazzled. People say to ignore the bad behaviour which I try to (praising the good obviously) but it isnt always practical to ignore him as I work 3 days a week and I don't have time to wait 30 mins for the tantrum to pass, we have to get to nursery and work on time. I've been late to work 6 times in the last couple of months due to these battles and its really stressful as I've always been on time and bosses aren't happy.
DS was potty trained a few months ago and he was doing well, this seems to have gone backwards as what he'll do is wet/soil himself just as we're leaving the house (having refused x10 to sit on the potty and have a try before we leave), which delays us all the more. Yesterday I asked him over and over to sit on the pot, he continually refused and ran away from me, he then ran straight past the potty, into the kitchen and pooed on the floor :(. He knew full well he shouldnt have and was just saying 'i wont do it on the potty'. It is most definitely a wont not a can't.
Weekends are pretty miserable as we try to plan ncie afternoons out, the museum, park, soft play, playdates etc but far more often that not he says NO NO NO and 'I want to tay at home'. This makes it harder again because I find it much better to get out and about and he;s incredibly destructive at home.
I'm terribly worried that theres more to his behaviour than normal 'terrible twos'. Im completely wrung out and my partner and myself have nothing left for one another as we're both nackered at the end of the day. DP works full time and generally walks in in the middle of a meltdown as theyre that frequent and says he sometimes dreads coming home awful as it sounds.
My son is likely to be my only child and it breaks my heart that, although I love him deeply I'm not enjoying him at all. Everything is a constant battle. I'm in tears typing this, thank you if youve made it to the end, I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Thank you.

Re the dressing battle, I find dressing my 2yr 4 month old as soon as she wakes helps as she's a bit sleepy and less likely to fuss !

Also offer basic choices as others have said and as slow as it might be encouraging her to put on the things she can, like shoes, she loves and choosing a teddy to 'watch' her dress/dry hair/brush teeth etc can be a winner.

As a general rule, I try to say 'yes' more than 'no' or phrase no differently! But when there is no option, I'm with the view that explain what's happening and don't negotiate just pick them up etc

Thanks so much all for your advice, insight and just to know in not alone helps!
Will try the distraction suggestions as of tomorrow morning and try overall to stay CALM.
Will keep you posted !

Totally sympathise . My DS ( 2 1/2 years old) was causing us all sorts of trouble and I was at my wits end and beginning to think he had something wrong with him . This was further compounded by the fact that he has a 6 month old baby sister who he loves but was definitely annoyed about her existence . Anyway I had a meltdown , rang my lovely HV who came round and we went through some strategies . None of then are brand new fancy ideas and in fact I knew them already but sometimes you need someone to tell you whst to do.

1. Don't tell child what's goibg to happen next e.g " right we're goibg to soft play now, can you help mummy find your shoes " . Instead just put their shoes on or take them by hand to where the shoes are . Don't have a conversation about it . The minute there is an element of choice they will seize that and play up. This strategy has been amaaaaaaaazing and we very rarely have Wobblies with any kind of transition now e.g going out, getting changed, turning off tv . So you could try this with the getting changed issue . Have clothes ready abd as soon as he's awake in morning lift him out if bed , be all cheery and chatty , talk about the weather or some Crap they are into and then just out the clothes on .
2. Don't explain stuff too much or reason too much . They don't understand . It just needs to be a "no" or a yes . We were treating ds like a 5 year old and explaining way to much and actually they don't get it .
3. Don't ask then why they are having a wobbly or punish them for it . They don't know why they are pissed off or if they do they dont have the ability to explain it yet . Either ignore or cuddle . The cuddle seems stupid but my HV pointed out that sometimes they are just pissed off abd need reassurance.
4. Over over over praise to the Point of sickness and even if they are being horrid, find something to be positive about . HV said that reward charts etc often dont work at this age as they live in the moment abd need instant praise and reward.

With things like you ignoring him and being late for work . Pick him up stick him car in whatever state of undress he's in and ask nursery to change him . He'll soon see that he's being a wally as the other children aren't doing this . I'm a primary school teacher and ive had to do this for parents and it definitely works very quickly .
Last thing about going out v staying at home . We found that ds was getting stroppy out and we were wasting money . Actually they do quite like being at home .plan 1 or 2 outings but that's it . With lots of sickening praise about how wel he's playing you may find he becomes less crazy at home .
You sound like you are doing everything right and I know its so horrid because you love this little bugger so much but they make you soooooo angry . You aren't alone and it will get better. If yiu really are stuck then definitely call HV or your local sure start/ children's centre who will have outreach play workers or community nurses who deal with children and families .