Not listening and no threat works!

[SmallOrangeGiraffe]

Hi all,

My step-son is 5. He's really frustrating lately, when we ask him to do something he doesn't listen or just goes off to play instead of doing the thing we asked him (for example wash his face and hands).

Even if we ask him to do one thing or even 3, he just wonders off as if he doesn't care of the concequences. No threat of a privillege being taken away, standing in the naughty place, time out or anything works. He's very lazy and just doesn't care.

Sometimes he lies and says he can't remember what we've asked him but when pressed he can recite what we've told him to do.

His mum is also having the same problem - can someone recommend something that might work to make him listen and a good punishment that will work and can work as a threat also.

Thanks

Threats don't tend to work with my ds unless he's actually seen them carried out. Do you follow through?

Always!!!

But it just doesn't work, for the next time.

Have you tried rewards/praise rather than/as well as threats and punishments?

How about a carrot rather than a stick? Mine are deeply unimpressed by stickers, but they work for many. Bribes?

Thanks for the replies - but we've done those, praising him etc.

I can't really bribe him with a sweet/toy/treat etc for the most simpllist things like washing his hands or taking his shoes off.

He has an 7 yeaer old sister too, so can't give one without the other.

This is soooo frustrating we are literally banging our heads off a brick wall! He wasn't this bad before - its like talking to a 3 year old!

If dd1 does'nt do as i tell her (eg. pick up a toy) i will take her by the hand, drag her over to the toy and make her pick it up even if she is screaming and then i praise her for doing it, i have only had to do it twice, she knows not to mess with me

She's only 2.5, it might be a bit harder to do with a 5 yo.

Ha, that's boys for you. Ds has been like this, and I think he's coming out the other side of it (7 next month).

It is deeply frustrating, it's one of the ways they push boundaries. In some cases, try ignoring his ignoring. If he has to was his hands before tea, then you get on with dishing up tea, you all sit at the table, when he comes to eat don't let him sit down, cos he hasn't washed. Eventually he'll go and wash his hands. You must stay calm, carry on eating and talking to each other, till he gets the message, and does as he's asked.

Some people also try the 'polly parrot approach' where you just keep repeating your request over and over. Follow him to his toys, get down and make eye contact, say it again. Try to remain calm, but sound firm. If he then doesn't do it, thats defiance, so then escalate to naughty step or whatever you do for defiance.

But it is a boy thing I think. Good luck.

oh and if they're 5 and 7, get them star charts and get a competition going for who can get most stars in a day.

Clumsy mum - thats really good advice. We already to the repeating thing, eye contact etc - even making him repeat it back, he just doesn't do it - thats what I can't understand and has brought me to this forum!! I'm running outta ideas.

We've done the star chart thing - maybe we should do it on a daily basis then? Do you think a reward at the end or what - and what should the reward be?

I also like the dinner thing - but the thing is he'd stay in his room all evening until bedtime and wouldn't even notice - so not sure that would work.

I'll have a talk with boyfriend when he gets home see what he things to your suggestions.

In the meantime I'd be very grateful for any more advice!! Before I go mad!

Thanks all x

Yes, keep the star charts going. Maybe whoever has most stars at the end of the day chooses the bedtime story, or gets a sweet out of the tin, somethig small but appreciable.

And if he is not doing something even when he knows you have asked, then he's pushing your buttons, and getting loads of attention for doing it. So ignore. He won't miss many meals before he starts to respond (kids don't starve themsdelves to death).

Be prepared to be strong willed. We have got a picnic ready before, got all packed up, and then I went on my own, cos ds wouldn't put his shoes on by the time I counted 10. It was tough on him (and I was pretty miserable, altho dh sat and read the paper cos of having to stay behind with him), but he learnt that when I said "if you're not ready, I'll go without you" I meant it.

You dont have to give a treat for everything he does well, a sticker or a tick on a chart will do, then he gets the treat and the end of the week.

Does he have a tv in his room? Figure out why he likes his room so much and dont make it fun any more.

Spend more time with him (ideally without his sister) doing things he enjoys? Just relaxing in each other's company without the day-to-day hassles. dd is not the sort of person who will bend easily to an adult's will and so I have to work on making her want to please me out of her own desire, rather than out of fear of punishment or love of reward. The latter two being counterproductive in the long run, I believe.

Blueshoes - thanks for the advice.

We've done that also, I don't think he's the sort of character that wants to please people. Unlike he's sister who is completely different, you only have to tell her off and she gets really upset, and she tries really hard to please us.

Step-son just doesn't seem to care, when we explain about trying to make us happy, he just forgets it when he finds something interesting to play with (btw this could be anything, not just toys a shoe lace for example!).

Anyway we'll see how today goes, will quickly knock up some star chart type things also.

One thing I forgot to mention. When he does do as he is asked (rare tho it may be) make sure you praise him to the skies, smile a lot, big hug, big 'Thank you' for being a good boy. You might find thats as much reward as needed

Hi Giraffe, sorry to imply that you were not spending enough time with stepson. My dd is not naturally compliant but somehow cuddly at the same time - so I always got that hold on her. She goes mad if I withdraw attention.

I can see how it is a challenge with your stepson if he is not into pleasing. At the risk of stereotyping, I understand that boys may not be so much into seeking approval, but generally more amenable to this collecting points/stars/pasta business. Best of luck!