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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

comforting a non-cuddly baby

16 replies

Evita · 10/03/2004 21:02

My dd, 17 months, is a gorgeous lively little girl with a real spirit of independence. She's never been a cuddly kind of baby, doesn't sit still on my knee but is quite happy being hip carried, especially when she's tired at the end of the day. The thing is, when she's upset about something I never know quite what to do, well, I feel a bit of a flop as she won't be cuddled better, she just wriggles free and stands crying her heart out looking at me as though I should be able to help. It's quite upsetting. Recently I've been having to give her an inhaler which she hates and I have to hold her down for it quite firmly. I'd really like to know how to 'cuddle' her better afterwards because it feels a bit like I'm torturing her when I have to do it.

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SofiaAmes · 10/03/2004 23:28

My mother says I hated to be held or cuddled as a child. I still don't like to be held too tightly or have my face covered. My ds was similar as a baby, though at 3.5 he is getting better. The best thing is to give out lots and lots of kisses (without holding on too tightly) and try to distract them when they are crying by tickling or faces etc. And don't take it personally, it's not you.

Chandra · 10/03/2004 23:43

Talk to her, speak softly and in a low voice, nearly a whisper, as she wouldn't hear what you are saying, she would calm herself enough to hear you, ask her what is the problem and mention that you understand how she might feel, she may not understand your words but surely she will understand the tone. Let her take the lead in physical contact, you can hold her hand while you talk to her but let it go as soon as she wants to, DS which is more or less the same age as your DD has got what we call the "cockroach reflex": if you try to hold him he runs away but if we don't invade his space or do it very softly he will come to us straight away, with time he has even started running to us and asking for hugs. Hope it helps...

misdee · 11/03/2004 08:07

my dd2 (who is roughly the same age as your dd) isnt a cuddly baby. when she is upset she tends to cuddle my legs whilst i stroke her head. lately tho she has been coming for proper cuddles. apperently i was the same.

Original poster

Evita · 11/03/2004 10:01

Thanks.

misdee, dd cuddles my legs too, and Chandra, she does like being spoken to in a soft voice. Sofia, apparently I didn't like being cuddled either and I'm still quite fussy about my personal space. So I do respect how she is, it's just sometimes I long to cuddle her and make the hurt go away.

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aloha · 11/03/2004 21:40

I had a cat like that! Seriously though, she liked to sit on our knees as long as she wasn't held so she could choose to get down or not. My ds is extremely cuddly but even he wriggles free sometimes when very upset, what I do then is have him on my lap without holding him, stroke his face, look at him and talk very softly. Sometimes what he really likes is for me to put my head on his head and talk so he can hear the vibrations in his head and body. That feels every bit as intimate as a cuddle. Also chocolate and warm milk. And a story. A bit of chocolate works miracles IMO.

Original poster

Evita · 12/03/2004 09:41

Thanks aloha! Dd reminds me sometimes of a little cat. She quite likes being on my knee if she's sort of straddling me, face on, and she also likes flinging herself into my arms, patting me and saying 'aaahhh'. I get the feeling she thinks I need comforting more than she does! She's quite a little 'mother', really affectionate to her toys.

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aloha · 12/03/2004 10:24

My ds prefers to sit like that too. Hence the face stroking and the eye contact. Good for singing and conversation too. Your dd sounds absolutely lovely, I must say.

Original poster

Evita · 12/03/2004 10:36

She's an angel. So adorable it hurts! Thus my desire to cuddle her ...

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stace · 12/03/2004 19:10

Oh all so true my ds now 4 is so much as like others have described and it used to hurt me so much that he didnt like cuddles. I used to just always kneel down on his level, stroke his arm or back or face keeping outside of his personal space and now as soon as he is upset about anything i say to him would you like to get on my lap and have a cuddle. You know he has never said no! I'm not sure how long ago we started that one but i wonder if i had adopted the asking attitude earlier he would have come earlier. I wish you luck it will come to you in time she sounds quite loving and giving and gorgeous!!!

Original poster

Evita · 12/03/2004 20:10

thanks stace, I'll try asking. She's an independent little soul in general but of course she's vulnerable and needy deep down! So maybe if I give the incentive to her it won't make her feel smothered?

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stace · 15/03/2004 16:07

Evita, your posting really made me address the issue of cuddles with my son and in the last couple of days i have tested and retested him and do you know what, everytime i rephrase my language (and yes i nearly always do!!) to would you like ME to give YOU a cuddle instead of come here for a cuddle or can you give me a cuddle, he comes running. Its really weird to have only just figured this out so i thank you for drawing my attention to it!!

Hows it going with your dd?

Original poster

Evita · 15/03/2004 20:23

Hi again stace, I usually say 'do you want a cuddle?' to dd. She either looks at me and shakes her head, runs in the opposite direction laughing manically in a 'chase me chase me' type way or occasionally flings herself into my arms and pats my shoulder saying 'aaahhh ...' as though she's comforting me. Who knows what it all means!

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stace · 15/03/2004 21:46

i would say keep at it!! My DS used to do the pat pat on my shoulder too,

Even this morning when he was being really wingey i said do you just want a cuddle is that it and you know what he said yes!!! I just couldnt believe it. I would say keep say can i give you a cuddle or come sit on my lap and let me give you a cuddle while we read/watch tv whatever! Keep me posted!!! but you did say she did fling her arms round you!!

kizzie · 16/03/2004 11:42

One of my little boys is exactly like that and has been ever since he was a baby. BUT discovered over time that he loves having his back stroked so thats what I do whenver he needs comforting. Bit like having a labrador really

But seriously it did used to upset me because apart from me missing the cuddles I was worried about him missing out from the comfort too. This way we still get to have that lovely closeness without him feeling overwhelmed.
Kizziex

Original poster

Evita · 16/03/2004 13:13

kizzie, I think that's it exactly, the expression 'overwhelmed' I mean. I'm sure that's how dd feels if I try to cuddle her. Whereas if she feels she's in control of it she seems to like it more.

And yes, stace, she does fling herself into my arms. Or circles her arms round my legs. All the time patting me saying 'ahhh...' It's very sweet.

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Littlesoul123 · 10/12/2022 11:43

What were they like as a young babe

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