I really think my 9 year old brother needs therapy, but mums in denial. Please help, really need advice!

[YoungWoman94]

My 9 year old brother has a condition called Septic Optic Dysplasia, I no this affects his sight and it can affect other aspects of him because he has part of his brain missing. Anyway I lost my son nearly 2 years ago and he has got worse and worse since this happened because it hit him badly. He has threatened to kill my other younger brother and sister (now aged 6) on several occasions and has even tried to strangle my 6 year old brother but luckily I caught him.

He has said several times that he wants to die and threatened to jump out the window and it can be quite worrying. A few months ago he said he wanted to stab himself and walked to the kitchen to get a knife but I carried him back upstairs. This doesn't always happen, but his behaviour is usually bad and my youngest brother is picking it up. My mum seems to be in denial about it all which is understandable because parents don't want to except there kids need help. But with it worsening I feel I can't stand back any longer.

What can I do? Obviously I can't take him to therapy because I'm not a guardian of him... My older brother told me to get into contact with Social Services so they can help support my mum but If I did she would hate me. I've tried talking to her but it never works. She's become really self-centred for the past 6 months she' put herself first and doesn't really concentrate on the kids, so I help with them a lot. She also loses her temper easily (not physically) But she always yells at them and swears at them which I don't agree with and correct her sentences without a bad word in when the kids are there. I'm also the one that has to do there homework and spelling with them because she can't be bothered to. I'm in my last couple of months of college, 7 months pregnant and about to move out.. So everything is getting ontop of me and I fear how she will cope when I'm not there she relies on me a lot. Sorry, this has gone of topic.

Has anyone got any advice on both my little brother and my mum? Just want to break down sometimes :-(

You're right that it does sound beyond the usual range of behaviours from a 9 year old. Can I ask whether his father is involved with him at all? Would you be able to persuade him to seek help rather than your mum?

It may be the case that you might have to risk your mum not speaking to you for a little while in order for SS to help. It may well be in the best interests of all your younger siblings and your mum.

I wonder if this organisation could advise you?

www.focusfamilies.org/focus/ukdefault.asp

Are you in London?

Can you take him to the GP and get him referred to child psychotherapy service? You have so much to deal with yourself and I appreciate you do not want to upset your mother but it sounds as if his behaviour has now crossed the line to be dangerous to himself and your siblings, I feel you know that you have to act or the sake of the whole family.

His father is not involved and never has been, let's just say he really isn't a nice man.

I didn't tthink I could take him to the GP and mum mum won't, I honestly don't know what to do anymore. She asked me to watch the kids yesterday and I asked why and she said she's meeting her 'friend' fir sex.. Infront if yhe kids and ny little brither age 6 then said are you going having sex mummy? :-(. She hasn't spent any time with them this holidays so far and she's going in hholiday Friday-Sunday and leaving the kids with me so I had to change my midwife appointment and my steriod Injections which I was meant to be getting Saturday.

I'm a high risk pregnancy, behind in college and all I can worry about is the kids. I knis if I don't watch them she will make ny 16 year old sister and she is horrible to them and in my opinion not capable of looking after them. She even makes my 9 year old brother make him and the 6 year olds tea because she does her make up instead before work. She swears infront if them, I really do need answers

Oh, you poor thing. I wish I knew more so that I could help you. You sound wonderful and your siblings are lucky to have you there for them.

It does seem to be your mum that needs some kind of help and intervention, rather than just your 9yr old brother. If your mum was capable of looking after her children then you would all be able to address any issues your brother has.

Could you discuss all this with your midwife, from the point of view of coping with your pregnancy? Or are you able to speak to a health visitor about your younger siblings - as they are still quite little then they may be able to help.

Also there is a charity called Home Start that supports families, not sure if they are able to help but they are worth a try.

Keep posting here, and hopefully people will be able to suggest ways to get help. You could also try posting in high traffic parts of the site like Chat to get more people posting.

Best wishes

Oh you poor poor thing.

I do understand about your concerns in going to SS but you can do it anonymously, or even report your concerns to the school and let them take action, it's pretty clear that your mum needs the support and your siblings need that intervention, you need to be able to take the stress of your shoulders and care for yourself and your baby, but at the same time, your siblings need support from the relevant services.

I spoke to here about telling her that I want to help her with everything and support her, but she told me to "fuck if and leave her alone". She Saud I'm the inky one in the wrong and she's not doing anything wrong :-(. She's also told me nit to come home and I'm 28 weeks pregnant + high risk of premature Labour :'(

Have you got somewhere to stay whilst she calms down? She is probably reacting like this because she knows deep down that things are not right, and she feels vulnerable. Hence lashing out at you.

I think you really must contact social services and let them know your concerns, as trying to manage your mum on your own is a lot to ask of someone in your position.

I really feel for you, as you are missing out on having support yourself through your pregnancy. Do post on the Becoming a Parent boards (if you aren't already) if you need support and hand holding.

You sound kind, and caring, very grown up and very exhausted

Has your mother always been like this? Shouting, swearing, talking about sex inappropriately? I am wondering if she's having some kind of break down in desperation? Or whether this is an intensification in existing behaviour?

I am a bit worried about both you, your baby, and the children. How much can you realistically cope with? And how desperate is the children's situation? Tbh it doesn't sound very safe for them.

I think I'm going to call them tomorrow and discuss my problems with them. I'm staying at my partners but can't stay here when she's born so hoping to be housed in the next 2 months. I've been sleeping in the floor at ny mums anyway because if overcrowding

I'm glad you've got somewhere safe to stay, and I hope you get somewhere with SS and get some help for your siblings tomorrow.

Best wishes again,