loosing my connection with ds since dd born

[rockyroadahead]

ds is .3.3 and ds is 4months and since she has been born I feel like I am loosing my connection with ds ... its weird because I feel I new this would happen to some extent with 2 children as having the same amount of love for 2 whole children is slightly overwhelming! but its still come as a surprise and I still don't know how to handle it.

I feel like I don't know what I should expect from him as a 3 year old we have always been very close and super connected and very well communicated. and he is generally a very good boy ! if he is badly behaved its because tired and hungry and I cant be angry as its my own fault ..

but lately I feel very snappy I am loosing my temper with him and I feel like he should know better I am struggling not to shout when she is bad and I think this is just making him worse ! I know that he must have some transitional behaviour issues with dd arriving but I find it hard to connect the two until its to late I have told him off and I am wondering if I was to harsh !

I constantly feel like he should know better , I think because he talks so well and always has done I talk to him as though he is an adult but forget that actually he is 3 but I struggle to figure out what behaviour is normal 3yr old behaviour and what response I should be giving . and now that I have started shouting it seems to be the only thing that works ! and I am constantly going through the day taking toys away from him and giving him multiple consequences that don't seem to be working the way they used to

I also find that he is being very badly behaved around friends mainly men ,not that I have lots of male friends but mean my friends husbands and partners, my brother and the granddads ......and worst of all my partner (his dad )!! I am starting to feel overwhelmed by him and slightly resentful I feel so angry when he doesn't go to sleep on time , when he wont tidy his toys .. when he repeats himself over and over again , when he wont stop talking and when he wont listen to me !

I need some perspective on what's normal and how I should be reacting as I am loosing my way and feel I am only making him worse and end the day every day with an argument or punishment

I am a little bit worried that I may be getting pnd or mayb I am just not coping very well either way I need some advise as I want my relatiponship back with my bestest fre=iend in the world !!

Ok this is normal. Your relationship with your ds was pretty intense and now you all have to share and rebalance a bit. I went through a range of emotions when dd arrived (ds was 2.2) - from sadness, despair, annoyance, anger etc etc (happiness too!). It takes a while to find your groove eg handling two, sleep deprivation, looking after a baby etc.

Try and maintain your eldest's routine but cut him some slack. eg help him get dressed/tidy occasionally. Also take offers of help and get out as much as you can!

I think part of what you are experiencing is that when your baby arrives your toddler (who previously seemed so little and in need of protection) suddenly seems huge and totally able to take care of themselves.

I struggle still with that any child older than dd1 is almost an adult, and should be able to behave and act like an adult. Any younger than dd1 and they're too young to really understand properly, and leeway needs to be made. I've felt that way since dd2 was born and dd1 was 3yo. She's 13yo now. (yes, I am careful not to let that show, but it is my immediate reaction at times!)

The badly behaving may be attention getting, so making sure he gets attention when possible is a good thing. But not letting him get away with things that are acceptable, you do need him to know that you are in charge as in if you say "tidy your toys" he does.
I found giving dd1 jobs to do really helped. Because things like changing nappies is a great time for them to disappear off and do something like colouring the wall, because you're not there to stop them, and they know thet have a few minutes. So getting them to fetch the wipes, check the wahing maching is working, find a toy for baby to hold etc. makes them feel useful and wanted. You then praise them for being such a "grown up boy," and "you couldn't manage without them".

I also found that things like tidying the toys becomes more fun when it's a competition. "I can put more cars away than you" gets things moving very quickly!