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Dd doesn't want to go to nursery

26 replies

CrocInASock · 06/02/2014 13:57

Dd starts nursery after Easter. She is a very sensitive soul and won't sleep alone, sleep out etc. She worries over things she really shouldn't at her young age. We have broached the subject of nursery but says she won't go if mummy or daddy can't stay. In previous experiences of being away from us she will cry until she vomits Sad .
How can i try + make the experience better for her + try & avoid her clinging to my leg every day?

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findingherfeet · 06/02/2014 15:26

How old is she? Are you able to do a gradual introduction, i.e. build up from mornings to full days?

My 2 yr DD has just started but only one morning a week, I knew she would struggle (as would I) so to a degree I pushed myself to enrol her as I didn't want her to pick up on my own anxieties and wanted to prepare her for when she attends for the free 15 hrs.... but also I am expecting second baby this month and selfishly I want a morning with LO but then felt added guilt of her not 'needing' to attend as I've just quit my job..

So obviously your circs might well be different but as I anticipated my daughter found drop offs very hard and howled and clung to me for the first four or five sessions :-( she's also of an age where she can verbalise her feelings which was painful! 'Please don't leave me, I miss my mummy' etc :-(

The settling in sessions were a breeze (not v helpful with the separation issue as I was there so she was very happy to go off and play) but we got to meet staff and be familiar with setting.

What really helped was my husband and I being super pro nursery and very praising of her, I also bought a 'Maisie goes to nursery' book which she still loves and definitely helped.

We talked a lot about mummy's and daddy's not being able to stay and other children's parents not being there but that I would always come and get her after lunch.

Thankfully my daughter has always enjoyed the play/activities and food (!) and likes the staff so is happy after I've gone and bubbly when I collect her, I really do think she has benefitted from attending in terms of her self confidence and the messy play and group activities etc.

Remind yourself of the positives! And choose somewhere you really trust the staff and are comfortable with their response to your child (they chat/distract/cuddle my little girl) call anytime you need to to check how she is.

And lastly don't hang around if she's upset, agree with keyworker that they will take/peel her off you and be as bright and breezy as you can (even if like me you then sob on departure!)

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/02/2014 15:35

How old is she? My kids didn't start nursery (pre-school) until they were 4.

CrocInASock · 06/02/2014 17:14

She's 3 and will be starting the free 15 hours for 3 hours a day. I've tried explaining it will be fun and all the activities that she will be doing. I've even called it a new playgroup that we will be trying. Her answer to evrything is i'm not going and i'll cry Shock.
She's fine staying with family in the day. However i have a 3 month old as well, so i know she'll be upset that i'm leaving with dd2. Maybe i need to toughen up but i feel sorry for the poor little bugger.

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atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/02/2014 17:23

Could you wait 6 months or so?
Children change a lot in a short time.
I couldn't force my child to go I'm afraid.

CrocInASock · 06/02/2014 18:42

I could wait, but shes always been this way and i think it will be just as hard in six months time. Being a parent is hard, my poor heart breaks sometimes.

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Goldmandra · 06/02/2014 19:30

She won't actually have to leave you until she goes to school which will mean she is older by around one third of her age. Children develop a lot in one third of their lifetimes. There's no hurry to get her there for her benefit so, unless you're looking forward to it for another reason, I'd leave it.

I do believe that children benefit from learning the skills of being cared for in a group for a few months before starting school just because staff ratios in early years settings are kinder, but that some way off for your DD.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/02/2014 20:13

Croc -you say she's "always been this way"- she's only three and it's perfectly natural for a young child to be attached to their parent.
But they do change and I believe that by responding to their need for security when young they become more independant than by trying to push them away prematurely.
My children were very close to me at 3 years old- no-one else looked after them or babysat and would have been upset at being pushed into nursery at that age.
By 4 years they were happy to go, and started with hardly a backward glance and certainly no tears.

Slightlyneuroricnat · 06/02/2014 20:37

Can't agree more with at the stroke
My 2 will start at nearly 4 if they get their schoo nursery place.
I'm assuming her birthday is around now if she is due her 15 hours come Easter so even if she started in September she would have a whole year of that before reception?

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/02/2014 20:48

Slighty in Scotland children start school between the age of 4.5-5.9 yrs.
Pre school is a year before that, but kids can have an additional optional year and start nursery at 3.
Mine were not ready at three

Slightlyneuroricnat · 06/02/2014 20:50

Mine would not have been ready at 3 either
If I had sent her it would have been purely my decision not hers in anyway.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 06/02/2014 20:54

It's refreshing to hear others with this view too. Independence does come with time, but I didn't want to force it. And I would never leave my child to cry at nursery or school. Thankfully our lovely headmaster was of the same opinion.

HSMMaCM · 06/02/2014 20:54

If she doesn't have to go, don't send her. She will be older and more ready to cope when she is 4-5.

CrocInASock · 06/02/2014 21:25

Thank you for all your replies. Think i will try it and see how she goes and if it doesn't work then pull the plug and wait until she seems more accepting.

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Slightlyneuroricnat · 06/02/2014 22:04

I never understand why people ask the question and then do what they were going to do in the first place!

CrocInASock · 06/02/2014 23:16

Slightly - because i was asking for ideas and opinions but i've still got my own mind. If i did what people told me to do all the time then i'd be a doormat. Fwiw i value your opinion and the time you have taken to reply.

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Slightlyneuroricnat · 06/02/2014 23:29

No problem and i do understand that.
You just came across quite worried about it and if your little one is often so upset she vomits I can't really see why you would attempt this any earlier than you " need " to.
But I hope it goes well whenever you decide the time is right :)

LadyMetroland · 06/02/2014 23:36

I would wait til September. She'll have changed a lot by then. Just turned 3 is still very young.

BeaWheesht · 06/02/2014 23:55

Fwiw neither of my kids had ever been away from me before starting nursery at 3. Dd in particular used to cry and vomit even when left with grandparents. However she started nursery 3 weeks ago and loves it. A few months ago she wouldn't have though so they do change very quickly.

I think it helped dd that she knew a few kids there - is there any way you could meet up with some other mums who will also have children there?

DeWe · 07/02/2014 09:57

The thing is it won't necessarily be better at 4, 5, 6... if she hasn't been away from you, it may still be a huge thing for her.
I do know a couple of people who thought "only little, will be better by school age", one is still homeschooling at 9yo, hoping that at some point her ds will anounce he's ready fro school. She doesn't enjoy homeschooling, her ds doesn't socialise and finds meeting anyone really stressful. The other did send them to school at 5yo, but had tears for several weeks then.
It may be better in a year's time, but there's no guarantee that will happen. Also can you delay her? Round here if you delay they will offer the preschool place to someone who will start straight away, so you may not necessarily be able to start when you choose.

With dd1, she took a term to settle at preschool. Not tears, she didn't generally do that, but full clinging. But I've found (she's now 13yo) that it takes her generally a term to feel happy doing almost anything. She doesn't show it in the same way now, but she always finds the first term doing anything new very difficult. Putting it off by 10 years (!) would just mean that she still found the first term difficult.

Dd2 gets so stressed that she vomits. Or excited so she vomits, upset so she vomits, tired so she vomits... Seems that her emotions come out by vomiting. She's what's generally called "highly strung" but it doesn't mean that things matter more to her than dd1 or ds-she's the most likely to enjoy and want to carry on after she's done the thing she's stressed about.

Ds was my oldest starting preschool-he was 3.4yo, the others were 2.11. This was due to waiting lists. And actually he found it the hardest to settle.

I would totally agree with your idea to try it and see how it goes. The staff there will be used to children who get upset-ask them how they will deal with it. It may be that you can stay for part of the first session, it may be you can stay for the first one. They don't want an upset child any more than you do. I would phone up and explain that she is nervous, and ask if there's anything you can do to help.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 07/02/2014 10:39

"The thing is it won't necessarily be better at 4, 5, 6... if she hasn't been away from you, it may still be a huge thing for her." No guarantee, but the chances are they will be better.
The need for close contact with the primary caregiver does lessen with time- so thie is a much higher chance of a 5 year old settling into a new situation than a 2 year old.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/02/2014 11:09

Why not start her one morning a week, with you staying for a large chuck of it. Then you can start "popping to the shop" near the nursery and coming back 20 mins later, and so on and so on extending the time you are away until she feels OK with it.

My DD started one morning a week at 2.7 yrs. At 3 she started doing two mornings a week. It gradually increased until she was doing the full 15 hrs in the weeks after the Easter before she started school (she is a June birthday so she was rising 4 then).

She was the kind of kid that took to it without a backward glance too and without a tear, but even so I wouldn't have gone straight in at 15 hrs a week.

My son (2.3) is I think going to be much more clingy and I doubt he will be ready to set off happily to nursery at 2.7. So I will hold off with him if necessary.

If your DD is crying so much she is throwing up, she is pretty upset. It might be that she really is just not ready yet. Of course any new experience will be unsettling whatever age she does it, but crying to the point of vomiting is severe.

In my experience when they are toddlers, i.e. 2 and sometimes 3 year olds too, the predominant theme in their lives is "where is my primary carer, am I going to be abandoned"!! Of course they play independently a bit at home, but that nonetheless is the main thing going on with them. The next stage on is where they have matured sufficiently that "where is my attachment figure??!!" is no longer such a concern. They have language and the conceptual maturity to understand time and space and they know they will be reunited with their main attachment figure and they are not so worried about separation. This frees them up to enter a new phase of really imaginative play, getting lost in what they are doing, often playing in their rooms for ages, and it is this imaginative creative world that comes to dominate, rather than separation anxiety. Its also the time when peer friendships come to the fore, and you may find that if a child can't go to preschool to see her friends she is very upset (whereas when younger the default preference is often to stay at home with you).

All kids make the transition at different times. Some by three are ready to make it (my DD was I think). Others are four or even older; I am guessing my son will be like this. Maybe your DD needs a bit longer (esp. as the new baby can interrupt the process and make them more clingy and anxious about their attachment to you).

Its a bit like potty training - if you can wait till they really are ready its a hell of a lot easier for all concerned.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/02/2014 11:10

Agree with atthestroke - it will still be a new experience for your DD if she starts at closer to 4, but she will be that bit further along the path towards getting over the separation anxiety phase by 4.

Slightlyneuroricnat · 07/02/2014 11:21

Also, might not be relevant to you but where we live they start the school nursery the September after they turn 3, so I'm assuming this is a private pre school you'll be using?
As if you will then be changing over in september again thats an awful lot of change for her to be expected to deal with

CrocInASock · 07/02/2014 14:58

No it is a school nursery. They have a xmas, easter and September intake. My concern also is that if i turn down the place she may not get another school one, then i'll have to organise a private nursery which will be difficult for my childcare arrangements when i go back to work.

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Slightlyneuroricnat · 07/02/2014 17:33

Ah okay so will she stay there for a year and a half before starting reception?
In that case all you can do is attempt her and see her reaction and if it doesn't work out re apply for the September I think