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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

boys playing with boys willies

10 replies

birdsings · 02/08/2006 23:21

I need some help. My friend Willow2 told me to post and to say I'm not a troll! She's away on hols so she couldn't post for me.

I've just found out that my 8 year old has tried to stick his willy up his cousins bum. I've asked him where he heard about doing such things and if anyone has ever done it to him. He told me it's come from sex education at school (which I know they have been doing).

First of all he said he hadn't done it with anyone else, but when I told him it was ok to tell me, he then admitted that he had also done it with two other boys from school. I asked whose idea it was, and he said that it was his idea. I asked if any adults had ever done this, or if he had seen a book or a film with it in but he said he hadn't. He has asked me not to tell the other parents. I feel torn because I don't want him not to trust me with 'secrets' and feel afraid to tell me stuff, but I also feel that as a parent I'd rather know if something like this has been going on. I also want to tell the school that perhaps their sex education is mis-firing and giving wrong ideas, but I don't want my son to be flagged up at school and talked about.

My instinct is that it's not an abusive type thing going on but more of boys experimenting - but I don't know what to do next.

HELP!

OP posts:

Tortington · 03/08/2006 00:02

i'd have serious talk saying how it is unacceptable and even if somone else says its ok - its still unacceptable.

i wouldnt flag with anyone or tell anyone unless i had some serious concerns over MY childs well being.

horrible i know - as if i was the other parent i would want to know. however if it is "just one of those experiment things" ou dont want to ostrasise your son from freinds at school or family.

but stress the importance in no uncertain terms - no pussy footing about here - real serious stuff - under no circumstances must he try our sexual behaviour. he may have seen somone getting shot on the telly - it doesnt mean he can go and "have a go" - so learning at school does not gie him the right to experiment - there are some things children cannot do - this is one of them. if he carries on other parents may call the police - tell him- an things could get very serious.

Gillian76 · 03/08/2006 00:11

Sensible advice from custardo, I think.

BUT, as she says, if it was my child I'd want to know. Not sure how the other parents will react if they later find out and learn that you knew...

Not sure if I'd tell the school, tbh. Have you seen the materials they use for sex ed?

TambaIsBadBadBad · 03/08/2006 00:16

I think at 8 hes more than old enough to know better. I think a really strong talk about respect his body and other peoples bodies and boundries is in order.

I wouldnt tell the other parents. You dont want him known as that kid who.... iykwim.

I would also be very concerned about the sex ed he is recieiving if this is the outcome of it. I would talk to his teacher about what exactly they are teaching within that topic - although wouldnt mention the incidents.

Gillian76 · 03/08/2006 00:18

That's what I meant to say, Tamba! Check out what they're teaching without mentioning the incident to the teacher

SminkoPinko · 03/08/2006 00:32

Oh god. How difficult. Agree with custardo- tell him it's absolutely not on. He can want to all he likes and that's normal but he has to wait till he's an adult to have sex. I would not tell the other parents because i would want to protect my son. i suspect that's v cowardly and possibly wrong but that is what i think I would feel. Do you have a partner? What does he/she think?

KTeePee · 03/08/2006 08:00

Are you in the UK birdsings? Only ask because at our school children (presumably following the National Curriculum) do not have any sex education until Yr 6 and even then it only covers periods, etc - would not give them any ideas to do what your son has been doing - are you sure this is where it is coming from?

Original poster

birdsings · 03/08/2006 11:32

Yes I am in the UK. I know they've been doing sex ed as in 'where babies come from' and learning correct names for body parts. I don't think they've been teaching about gay sex (but can't be sure until I've asked) so I assume he has got the idea that a willy goes in a hole - and that he's tried it with his boy mates because he doesn't really have any girl mates.

I don't have a 'partner' and am also worried about telling my ex who is well known for over-reacting.

If I don't tell the other parents, what happens if their kids are trying it with other kids? This could all get really out of hand. Obviously I don't want him stigmatised. I have spoken to a male friend who tells me that at about age 7 or 8 he remembers a friend suggested fumbling with each others willies, and that he didn't realise it was a 'sexual' thing until much later when he was a teenager. He thought it was just a nice feeling...

Any more thoughts are welcome.

OP posts:

acnebride · 03/08/2006 11:39

I've just deleted a long post about sexual ideas at that age, which I remember having a lot of, without any idea then or now where they came from. TBH there is so much sexual content in the papers, adverts, on the internet, books, TV, playground conversations - i would be more surprised if an eight-year-old had no idea at all IYSWIM. Which doesn't mean this is fine and no worries, of course.

I'd follow custardo's post on behaviour, and tamba's on talking to the school, and then try not to worry. Hah. easier said than done.

liquidclocks · 03/08/2006 12:49

My goodness what a difficult dilemma you have. I don't really have much to add but sympathise with you a lot. I think custy's advice was bang on really apart from that personally I would go to the school and speak to them about the content of the 'sex education'. You don't need to say what has happened exactly but just generally that your concerned about some of the things your son has been talking about with you and you'd like to know exactly what the content of the curriculum is.

Personally (and I know I may not get the choice) I would rather to the 'sex' bit of sex ed myself - fine for the school to teach about bodies etc at this stage but I think the more detailed stuff can wait at least until yr6. I know that's a bit of a side issue here but it might be worth exploring whether the teacher has in fact overstepped the line here - coz that would be really worrying to me.

throckenholt · 03/08/2006 13:01

can you get your male friend to talk to him "man to man" and help him understand what is ok and what is not (assuming you trust this male friend). I think it really helps them at that age to have made role models so might help.

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