Helping my DD or not?

[marie143]

My little girl is 7 and can be quite meek. She has a 'friend' who she claims is her best friend who calls on her to walk to school with her mum and plays outside with in the nicer weather. The trouble is I think this little girl is quite rude and standoffish with my DD. She often doesn't talk to her at all on the walk to school, she doesn't play with her at school and can often say mean things to her. Alternatively, other days she's full of sweetness and light with my DD. She runs so hot and cold only being a friend when it suits her. The trouble is my DD just accepts it. I don't know whether I'm projecting my own feelings (I have really low self esteem) but I don't want her to feel she has to put up with this. I want her to understand that this girl is not a true friend and what being a good friend is but she's only 7. She seems a happy child so I don't want to spout negativity at her but I also want her to find a voice and to understand she is not going to be 'used' as and when this girl wants to. I've grown up with massive self-worth issues and often don't express my true feelings and I don't want her to be the same. I don't know whether I am being too protective and overly sensitive and projecting my own regret at never speaking up or whether its justified in wanting her to be more vocal.

By the way, although I haven't spoken to the mum about this, she has noticed her DD not speaking etc and has chastised her a couple of times. I don't want to force this girl to be friends with mine - that's not what this is about. Its more about my DD finding her voice.

Any advice would be great.

This is v v difficult. I have a ds who is very similar. I think the best thing you can do is to say, 'Just go and play with some one else'. If your dd is happy then she doesn't have to take on this girl's issues. Just make sure that your dd isn't dependent on her and watch out for signs of it affecting her.

I would encourage her to find new friends. Other friends. Try and invite people round if you can, talk about how it is normal to have plenty of people you call friends. Show her that you do have different friends.
And encourage her assertiveness so she feels she can speak up if she needs to.

But as you do I wouldn't say anything to the other mum.

I would approach this by asking questions about their friendship and whether your DD is happy to accept the status quo, e.g. how does she feel when xxx doesn't talk to her, does she think it is a good way to treat a friend, would she like to tell xxx how she feels, how could she show xxx that she would like to be treated with a little more respect?

I had a friend like that when I was the same age. She could be breathtakingly spiteful one day and sweet and affectionate the next. My parents couldn't stand her. I was awestruck, she was so different from me or anyone in my family. Part of me was almost hypnotised, she said and did things it would never cross my mind to do. She was an adored baby of her family with much older parents and siblings, she got away with so much.

DM would say why do you let her treat you like that, later she used expressions like, "Haven't you got more pride?" which looking back seems a funny thing to say to a child under 10.

All I can say is, eventually we tired of each other. 'Chloe' (not her real name) taught me valuable lessons: that people can be manipulative and on a small scale, good doesn't always triumph! As long as your DD has others to play with, keep an eye on them but she has to encounter different types out in the world where you won't always be there to referee.

wow Donkey that's exactly like their relationship - its like my DD adores her and me and hubby can't stand her because of her attitude. My DD does have other friends at school (not so much in the street as not many kids) so she isn't alone or anything. Just want her to understand that this girls attitude is not acceptable and she really shouldn't call her a 'best friend'. If she was a teenager, I would tell DD to tell this girl where to go!!