How did you help your angry 4 / 5yo?

[BerylFromNextDoor]

DS is 4.5 and seems to be negative from morning until night at the moment. Constant whinging, everything is answered with "NO" and daily mega-tantrums.

We moved house recently, he's got a boisterous toddler brother and he's one of the youngest in Reception (although teacher thinks he's doing well)... all reasons we've considered might be at the bottom of his constant grumpiness.

We've tried various methods consistently - talking, understanding, getting him to use his words, incentives, time outs, giving him a 'peaceful place' to go when he feels angry.. nothing seems to break the cycle.

I don't know what to do :(

Watching this with interest as I have an angry almost-5 year old. He is the younger of two (I suspect they find their siblings irritating regardless of birth order).

DS2 is an angel at school and I suspect that is part of the problem. He wouldn't dare to have a confrontation at school so takes it out on his big brother and us at home.

I have asked to be referred to our school counsellor as I feel I need help to take a step back from the situation in order to help DS2. At the moment I am far too reactive (especially when he lashes out as his brother) and the situation is really affecting the whole family. His older brother was much more emotionally intelligent and mature at this age and whilst I hope DS2 will grow out of it I am concerned that his behaviour and reaction will become a habit.

I've found different methods work for different periods of time so I'm just going to share some of the techniques that work for us. At the moment, validating his emotions and repeating back to him why he feels angry ("You're angry because of . . .) seems to help.

We also have a book about feeling angry that gives different examples eg when I'm angry I feel like a volcano about to erupt; I feel like a bull about to charge,etc. So after validating his emotions, I'll ask if he feels like a volcano/bull/other example from the book. Surprisingly he will quite often start to talk about how he's feeling rather than being angry iyswim?

(The rest of the 'angry' book has techniques like counting to 10 and going to a quiet place but neither of those techniques were particularly successful with ds).

Another technique we tried was having an angry song The theory is that they sing it when they're angry. Ds hated that idea but sometimes I'll sing it when he's angry and that makes him laugh!(It's a Kylie song - it doesn't have to be a 'special' song).

If he's having a massive tantrum then I take him to his room and I go to a different room so we can both calm down.

I think 'Playful Parenting' suggests sitting them on your knee, looking into their eyes and really connecting with them before you speak. That technique has defused massive tantrums really quickly.

hth

Joining thread in hope. This is all too familiar in my house. 4 yo - so very grumpy and angry it's hard work.
At the moment I'm trying rewarding all the good bits and going over the top with praise. He laps it up and I can see he us trying to keep it together sometimes. Much much worse when he's tired so sometimes in bed at 6!

Thanks folks. TheHouseOfMirth it rings true about school vs. home. He's putting so much energy into listening and learning at school that when he's at home it's like he's letting off all his built-up aggression

I like those ideas KateAdie and will try them. I have read "How to talk so Kids will Listen" and might give it another skim as those techniques sound quite similar and sensible.

He just seems to go so far beyond intervention when he's in the midst of a tantrum. He tried to throw himself down the stairs yesterday

When my 5yo is too furious, I take him to sit or lie on my big bed and hold him very tight and tell him that I love him and say some of the things we love about him ... and generally witter on in a quiet voice until he has calmed down.

It isn't always possible (he has two younger brothers) but it is very effective when we can.

I have a similar problem .The best thing is to not lose your temper. If my DS is playing up the calmer I am the quicker it passes.However it's not always that easy to stay calm and some days (pmt, tiredness etc) I lose my temper even though I know it makes things worse. Anyone any tips on keeping cool when faced with an infuriating 4 yr old?

My only tip is to count to ten (aloud helps) and repeat "He's only little" - which is hard for me to remember since he's big for his age and the eldest of my three.