Party Invites, being left out

[Rhiannon]

After a recent run-in with one of the mothers at school, I was debating whether or not to invite her son to my son's party. As we have invited the whole class it seemed rather petty to leave this boy out and I invited him along with the rest.

Another Mum asked me today "are you going to O's party on Saturday?". The other Mum has obviously not included my son in her party organisation. How sad for her as now she has to RSVP my invite, the old cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm not bitter and twisted really I'm not!R

They're tricky things these parties.

My daughter has come home from school a few times saying some children got envelopes today but she didn't get one. It feels horrible but she's ok about it if I explain that she is only having x number to her party and only x number went to B's party etc.

She's actually quite understanding about the expense being a valid reason to restrict invites.

I think the real hurt arises ( for the child) when the WHOLE class except one is invited so I think you did the noble thing Rhiannon in inviting this boy!
To give the other mum the benefit of the doubt, maybe not the whole class is going to her son's party?
I can remember as early as primary three a girl in my class deliberately inviting everybody but one other girl, which I thought was horrid.
Have a good party!

I agree with Jasper, I think you did the right thing inviting this boy, afterall, it's not his fault that his Mum is hard to get on with - I would have done the same as I think you should rise about things. I'm sure she's feeling really guilty now which is not a nice thing to be feeling - Hope the party goes well!

Thanks for your comments girls, most appreciated. R

Rhiannin, I know exactly how you feel. It is really annoying when you hear that one child is having a party but invites are not reciprocated.

I think you are doing the right thing in inviting this child. As SueW says, budgets and other practical matters could mean the boy's 'party' is a really small affair. Children's definitions of a party can be dodgy as well. It might just be a special tea with one or two friends.

Around here, as children get older, big parties - even parties at all - are getting far fewer. Lots of over 6 year olds get taken on a special outing with a few friends only. So my son is getting less party invites the older he is.

However, I think if you accept a party invite from another child's family, it is only polite to tell them what's happening partywise when it's your child's birthday. Even if a bit of fudging of the issue is involved, you should tell them if the party is just a tea for close family, or you are taking your child for a day out instead. You can always invite their child round for tea sometime. I keep track of parties my son has been invited to, so I can reciprocate if and when we have a party.

It does irk me that every time my son has changed school, the party invites tend to stop, even though the parents know we are only a short drive away and my son would love to see his old school friends. A case of being out of sight, out of mind, I think.

I am sorry your son did not get his invite or a polite explanation Rhainnon. I too would feel irritated about this. After all, in the end he is your son's friend. You and his mother having a run-in shouldn't really come into it.

I hope you have a lovely party and happy birthday to your son.

Im a teacher of 5 year olds so I see first hand the hurt involved when 1 child is excluded from a party because the parents dont get on.
Im so pleased you invited the little boy to your party, after all, if you dont get on with his mum, he probably wont come, but you avoided him feeling very left out when the invitations were handed out.

Yes thanks for the comments, the party was in a local village hall so don't expect she was short on space but as I was so busy with the NCT nearly new sale yesterday we wouldn't have gone anyway. So a big nernernenerner to her!!!!

Like you, I hate all these 'party' politics. My children are now 9 and 6, and do treats with a couple of friends rather than big parties (thank God!) but I used to make it a rule not to let them hand out invitations at school. It's horrid for people who don't get an invitation. We either used to cycle round the village delivering them or spend the money on a few second class stamps, the children love getting mail anyway!

Oh help! My twins are 3 at the end of the month and I was planning on inviting 1 or 2 kids from their nursery + a couple of friends' kids to a small party at the zoo. Will every one else at the nursery feel left out and offended if I do this? We're not particularly flush at the moment and I can't really afford to pay for lots of kids (and I presume quite a few accompanying parents at this age). Can't bear the thought of having millions of kids in our (fairly) small flat and had thought that a small number running about at the zoo was a good (appropriate!) solution. Can't bear the thought of little kids feeling rejected either, though! Is it party ettiquette to invite all the kids in their class or what? I'm inexperienced here as they've only been in nursery for a couple of months. Enlighten me folks- what shall I do?

Hey, hang loose scummymummy! It will be Ok. After all you are organising an outing, so it's a given fact that the numbers will be limited. Everyone will see it's impractical to have a huge entourage of adults and children at the zoo.

Also, keep referring to the event as an outing, not a party, especially at nursery and in front of your sons. Hopefully your sons will pick up on this.

As for the uninvinted, bring a cake or bisucits on the big day for the whole class to share. But talk to their teacher first - nurseries have different rules about birthday treats.

Just one thing to look out for: as you're limiting numbers,it may be that the parents of the uninvited children won't feel obliged to invite your sons to their parties. Will your sons feel left out? If you sense trouble ahead, you could always invite some of these other children round one at a time for an after-nursery tea in the next few months to help cement the friendship.

Sadly, you will find that some parents use parties mostly to network with other families, rather than simply inviting their children's friends. Not much you can do about that unfortunately, unless you gatecrash

ScummyMummy, don't panic. At our son's nursery it is NOT expected to invite any or many to parties held at home or at a venue. If you are feeling worried about this, find out what nursery does. Our place gets the pre-schoolers to bake a cake (usually quite edible) for the child in question and if the parents want you can bring in little treats such as balloons, sweeties or chocolate in party bags for the usual number in that day. This works very well and is an inexpensive way to spread good cheer. (If you do that, we have found a special packet of something yummy for the staff goes down particularly well...)
I am on v. good terms with two mums in particular there and yet there is no mutual expectation that we have each other's children to their parties (because of the above nursery policy). Hope this helps.

Scummymummy, stick to what you want to do!

Echo the idea about perhaps a cake for nursery, at ds nursery, sometimes he came home with a mini box of smarties if it had been someones birthday. Thats a sweet idea.

Scummy, don't worry, nursery shouldn't be a problem as they children can't read what they've been given. It's a different kettle of fish when 22 out of 23 come home with an invite. R

I find that generally its not the smaller parties that cause the problems, as the kids don't mind if there are a lot of other kids not going. It's when nearly veryone gets invited, but just a few slip through the net that it causes a problem. I have done both for my dds, small & large, and always make a point of inviting all the kids in the class if it looks like most are going to get an invite (I check with the teacher that I have a full class list).

I've just taken 7 little girls on an outing (lovely idea to describe it that way instead of a party). As they get older they go through a phase of not wanting to invite the opposite sex then start into not wanting parents. There are only 8 girls in the class so this year we invited them all (one was sick). Next year I think I'll try and keep it to 4 as they were VERY demanding.

The relief! Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom. Spoke to the fab nursery staff as well as you guys and they were frankly incredulous when I asked if I should invite the whole nursery class to the zoo! Felt a bit silly...
Will stick to my original "birthday outing" (thanks for that, Tigermoth!) plan I think! I can't wait!!
I'm going to try making a Mike from Monsters Inc cake for them to take into nursery as well. (More disbelieving laughter from the nursery staff when I mentioned this. I must come across as seriously undomesticated. Still, they don't know about my secret Mumsnet weapons- Ems and all you other cookery buffs!) Here's my plan so far- round cake, butter icing with green food colouring and an eye bit in the middle- made of more icing maybe? Will this work? And how will I do his arms and legs....?

ScummyMummy, what a yummy green cake it sounds!!

So as not to further complicate the cooking, dont bother making the arms and legs from more cake and more icing, just make them out of 'bits n bobs'. Put them to one side and then just concentrate on cutting and enjoying the straightforward round cake.

Or if its for the class, individual buns might be nice, green icing and then a nice eye on the top of each one!

PS; icing, yep basic green and then get the roll-on regal icing I think its called, for the white and black, have a good look at all the icing and decorating possibilities on next supermarket trip. Just a simple icing pen would work too.

Wow Ems- that was quick! Thanks a lot- I love the idea of an individual bun for each child. It'll give me plenty of practice on getting the eye right! I'll check on numbers tomorrow and start scouring the icing displays ASAP. Cheers me deario.

I've got my ds birthday next week - and I love the the idea of individual buns...brill ..any more wonderful gems???
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