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Please help me with 3 yo dd's behaviour!

2 replies

beabea81 · 29/01/2014 16:46

DD is 3 in 2 months actually but was easier to just say she's 3 above! Today we were asked to stay behind after pre-school for a chat, to be told that dd had hurt her friend - they were playing catch and it got a bit rough, even though the other little girl started the game, when she decided it was time to stop, my dd kept on running after her & grabbing her. Her friend got upset & was yelling at dd to leave her alone - dd responded by scratching her face quite badly, I'm mortified to say the least. We were whisked to another room v quickly when we arrived to pick dd up & they brought her in to us. We were talking with her key worker for ages so when we left all the other parents & children had already gone. So I didn't see dd's friend and didn't see the scratches for myself but apparently it drew some blood, not just marks : ( As soon as we left I called my friend who is the little girl's mum to apologise & ask how she was, but it went to voicemail & I left a long message saying how sorry we were. These two do have a bit of a love hate relationship, best friends one minute then screaming & pushing the next. The difference is my dd is always the one to take it to the next level of hurting, pushing her over or off her chair, and today it was scratching her face : (

We've been told before that she pushes other children sometimes, and have had bad phases with pushing before outside of pre-school, when we meet up with friends and their children the same age or younger. I've never known her push an older child or much bigger child interestingly.

She pushed a 10 month old boy over a few months ago because he was picking up the toys she was playing with at a friend's house (it was her son & his toys!). She went through a phase recently pushing a younger boy over at our childminder's too and also dug her fingernails into his arms several times - writing this all down it all seems so spiteful & I feel terrible. This little boy at the cm's is about 18 months old & my dd said she hurt him because she doesn't like him & he is boring!! I have tried to teach her he is not boring he's just younger & is learning how to talk & play & she should help him & look after him. She just said "no I don't like him" defiantly, & although there have been no further incidents since then touch wood, she still reminds me every time she goes to the cm on the same day as him that she doesn't like him!

A few months ago we also had an awful incident when at a soft play place with a friend & her ds who is 6 months younger than dd. She was v rude saying she didn't like him & didn't want to play with him etc, that she would rather go home! When he got on to the same piece of play equipment as she was on, she pushed him off and he landed very heavily & had bit his lip badly, there was a lot of blood coming out. I know she didn't actually mean to make his lip bleed, but this is what her pushing another child resulted in, and I feel like my child is a bully : (

She is so bright and curious and very mature for her age in so many ways, but she is also very demanding & expects everything her own way, she is v willful & stubborn. She just doesn't seem to care when we discipline her, the key worker & cm have both said this too. She is very loving and affectionate & her communication is excellent for her age, she is often charming to anyone new she meets & loves being centre of attention. I think we are good parents doing our best, we are loving and dote on her, but firm when we need to be. So why is she turning into a bully? : (

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Goldmandra · 29/01/2014 20:57

So why is she turning into a bully?

She's not turning into a bully. Bullying is about pursuing another child to inflict harm or distress for the pleasure of seeing it. Your DD is lashing out when she can't control her own emotional response to another child's actions.

First things to do is cut her fingernails very short and keep them that way so she can't use them as weapons.

Dealing with your emotions without lashing out comes with maturity and she is still very young. Keep reinforcing the message about keeping her hands to herself. Intervene with "Hands down" if you see her about to lash out. Teach her to use appropriate words to communicate her wishes and feelings instead.

You say she doesn't care when you discipline her. Does she care when you praise her? Praise her whenever she responds more positively to her emotions, e.g. "Well done xxx. I can see you were cross when yyy took that toy but you told me and I helped you. That's a good way to deal with it."

Kiwiinkits · 29/01/2014 21:02

Excellent advice from Goldmandra.
Give her a 'script' for how to deal with threats in a positive way. For example, "DD, if Billy hits you, you can say "Don't hit me Billy"" or "DD, if you want to play with a dolly, you can say "Can I have a turn?"

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