How do you not sweat the little things?

[mandbaby]

How do you not sweat the little things? It just occurred to me while I was posting a reply on someone else's thread about their son who doesn't listen. My 4YO son doesn't listen to anything I ask him and find I have to get cross with him before he will do anything I ask (getting dressed, putting toys away, stop climbing on the sofa, stop pulling the dogs tail, stop snatching from your brother, etc, etc.)

In the main, he is a very intelligent, capable and pleasant boy - but he JUST DOESN'T LISTEN!! My mum is adamant that he's a normal boy and just pushing boundaries.

He hasn't started school yet, and I actually often say to myself that I will pity his teachers because he just doesn't respond to requests to do ANYTHING. I'm currently trying and teach him how to read and add up numbers and he just goes off on a tangent and wont listen to my explanations of how to do things.

The problem is, because I get angry with him over things, he gets angry back and it has become a viscious circle.

Every day I promise myself that this is the day I will not sweat the little things and then maybe he will start responding to the bigger, more important things because he will feel like he's not being nagged at so often. Does this make sense? But every day, I fail miserable and find myself nagging at him.

So, how do I stop myself from getting stressed over the little things?

Trying to teach him reading and sums will just add to your frustration and is surely not necessary at this age? What sort of consequences do you invoke when he doesn't listen to you?

You will stop sweating little stuff when some real shit hits the fan, like a life threatening illness.

I was like this with my older 2 DD's - I found everything quite stressful simply because I was the one who got so stressed.
Then I had triplets, and had 5 under 3 and that's when I learnt not to sweat the small stuff
Trying to teach him how to read and add numbers is totally not necessary - spend that time splashing in puddles with him!
I read a story once about a single Dad who was so miserable and naggy that he decided he would never say no to his children when they asked to do something. I loved it and I drew the line at saying 'yes' to everything but I couldn't bare always saying 'no'. If it was raining I wouldn't dream of taking DD1 and DD2 out - now they all have waterproofs and I'll send them out to play and splash. Yes they'll be soaking, but they're kids and they had fun!
I think the reason mine wouldn't listen is because I was so monotone and boring - sometimes they NEED to just be told to put toys away, but 90% of the time you can make it into a game, set a timer or something like that.

Try to make sure that not everything depends on his compliance. If he is not getting dressed gently but firmly put the coat on him (no, he won't still expect you to do it when he's 17). If he takes a toy from his brother and refuses to give it back, take it from him without arguing after your first request and give it back to little brother. Find a way of making want to put his toys away- e.g. make it a competition.

There will still be times when you have to rely on his obedience. But try not to make them too many at this time.

Elderberri is spot on. When you pass through some real difficulties you come out the other side with a different perspective.

It's up to you of course but personally you aren't really doing either of you any favours by teaching him letters and numbers.

manandbaby I could have written this post myself! I have a nearly 5 yo who is the same and a nearly 3 yo going the same way!! I agree with kate I think the best way is to just relax a bit (easier said than done I know!) try and make requests fun - sometimes I say 'who can get up the stairs fastest, or what animal are you? A lion? I'm a bear and I'm going to beat you up the stairs (to go and have a bath) it certainly makes it less painful than pleading, cajoling, and shouting for them to do it! I think my DH struggles more- he's always demanding my 4yo does stuff and so of course he rebels more and it's the same each time- repeated requests leading to DH losing his temper, raising his voice then my 4yo raising his back.

I'm afraid I don't have any great advice tho I hope someone else does as I'll be checking back to see! The one thing I have read is that if you always end up raising your voice to ask them to do things they'll soon tune out and won't treat it as anything important -so best to try and stay calm and firm. One request, one warning then if they still don't do as you ask, either remove priviledges or as we've started to do, take away tv or computer minutes- i.e. you've not done as I've asked so now you lose 2 minutes on the computer this weekend.....

anyway good luck!

oh and regarding reading and adding up- agree with the others, it's not really necessary tho if you want to, make it fun- do games or something on the computer they'll enjoy and learn at the same time. Also those 'activity' books that you can buy for a couple of quid are great for learning to read or add up (can buy them in Wilko ) some have a gold star sticker they can put at the bottom of the page when they've completed it and my son loves them

Playful parenting by Lawrence Cohen and peaceful parents, happy kids have been really helpful books for me. It's hard work!

There's a fantastic book called 'how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk', which might be helpful.

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

strawberrybubblegum: I bought that book about a year ago and it did actually help. I will dig it out again and have another read of it.

As to everyone who's telling me not to do sums and phonics. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit there all day there with him doing them! We have lots of fun and play games, colour, make things with play dough, play hide and seek. Lots of things. BUT, because lots of his friends from nursery who are just a couple of months older than him have already started school, I don't want him to start school in September (when he'll be almost 5) not having a clue. Where's the harm in trying to teach him the basics?! We generally do them on the Cbeebies Numberjacks App, or in the activity books like mumof 3boys suggested.

The majority of his day IS spent playing, but I do try and make a habit of learning a couple of simple words before he's allowed to play on his leappad, etc.

My original question was more about learning to not bite at the little things (he's murder for snatching toys off his younger brother, or for refusing to let his brother join in something he's doing - playing with a certain car or star wars figure, that kind of thing). His younger brother normally responds by screaming, crying or getting angry and I find myself getting cross with one or both of them too. I was just wondering how (or if) I should turn a blind eye to certain things so I don't find my blood pressure going through the roof every minute of every day.

When they are bickering and fighting over a toy, remind yourself that while it is infuriating and irritating at the time, they are actually learning how to manage conflict and peer interaction. Of course, they aren't doing such a good of either as they are currently small boys! But most children learn how to play with others by first engaging in battle with a sibling. I would intervene if it sounds like there is going to be imminent bloodshed, or if your poor youngest is getting increasingly fed up that the world is all against him as he isn't allowed to play with anything that he wants. Certainly give the occasional order for your eldest to share, or else said toy is going to be put in time out for 30 minutes. If he repeatedly refuses, just calmly remove the toy, attempting to ignore the cacophony of wails, and put it out of reach for a short time. Just as calmly bring it back into play after the agreed amount of time. Tips for ignoring children bickering: make a cup of tea, retreat upstairs to do laundry / powder nose / punch a soft toy to release stress. All calm and breezy when you return - "Teddy is ready to come back to play now, are you ready to share?"

Ps it's so easy to give this advice. Obviously we're only human, and the occasional "For Pete's sake, WHYCAN'TYOUSHARE the FLIPPING TRUCK!!!" is entirely forgivable.

Thanks mummyxtwo, that has really helped.

I have just bought another couple of parenting books that I hope will help. Problem is, getting my hubby to read them too because if he's had a bad day at work (he's a teacher) he also loses it at the smallest thing.

I think the advice from mumofthree about one request, one warning is useful. I used to spend up to 30 minutes getting DD (2.4) dressed in the morning with me pleading, asking her to come here while she jumped on her bed, ran around, crawled away, etc.
I realised I just couldn't do it anymore, it was driving me bonkers so if she doesn't respond to the first request to do it herself, I do it (often amidst tears, duress).

I don't know if this is better or if she fully understands yet, it's more for the sake of my sanity (but then I feel guilty for forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do).
Argh, parenthood! And the guilt...