3.3 yo DD ignoring her Daddy-help!

[KateMoose]

Hello, DD is 3.3 and sees her daddy at weekends and one evening per week if we're lucky. We're not separated, he just works away. She understands the routine well and is disappointed when he doesn't come home the one night a week.

For his part, DH does find DD hard to get used to after time just looking after himself and he has a shorter fuse with her than me (although I can have my moments of frustration!) the trouble is, he does shout at her when I don't and he tries to copy the way I discipline, but often says pointless things. I find saying to DD, if you don't do xxx by the time I count to 5, you're not getting xyz, I count and she, 99% of the time does what I need her to do. DH says things like I AM GOING TO COUNT TO 5 but with no 'threat' or he'll say something totally unreasonable that he would never be bake to follow through. In a nutshell, he doesn't spend enough time with her, she knows I am her continuity (although I do work fiull time and she's in nursery all day 5 days a week) and he beats himself up for getting angry. He says he hates falling out with her, so thinks it's reasonable that I do all that kind of thing so he can be the fun dad, but he's not always fun as he has a unique ability to block her out.

Well, she's started to do the same to him. She will frequently totally ignore him and carry on with what she's doing. She won't even glance up to see his reaction. She totally blanks him. This is making him angry and frustrated and he feels like he has no impact. There is only so much I can suggest he needs to spend more time with her and then he won't be setting such high weekly expectations. He also doesn't grasp that she's only 3. She doesn't always ignore and does cuddle him, try to get him to play, asks questions etc, but her ignoring is getting more frequent.

I have tried talking to her about it, but if I ask why she ignores daddy she just says 'I don't know!' Or she'll change the subject. Not sure what to do really. Has anyone else dealt with this? I am thinking of her getting stickers for being a good listener?

Not the sort of situation I've been in: when our DS was young, Mum and I (Dad) were around almost all the time, but that was thirty years ago!

But over twenty years helping and working in primary schools, mostly as TA, and sometimes with Nursery kids, I know that you can never MAKE children be what you want them to be, but if possible need to create the appropriate activities and environment that ENCOURAGES them towards what you want.

So are there any activities, toys, games etc that DH could introduce, quietly and without any 'fanfare', that might engage DD's interest? Maybe making a 'girlie' Lego model, without involving her, so she sees, and wants to join in? (Airfix used to do model figures, kings and queens etc, but don't think they do any longer).

Or drawing or painting a large picture that she could join in with.

Do either of you do anything musical? I taught recorder, keyboard and percussion to kids in Yr2 to Yr6 . So teaching a child to play music can be very rewarding (though if you both have 'short fuses' you'll need to control your frustrations!) Or even watching a TV programme in a creative way, talking about it with the child, or doing interactive games that might be on the 'Red button'.

Thank you Ferguson. I know there would be no issue with getting her to join in with him. She already does. She continually asks questions when we watch tv or read and I teach her xylophone. My patience is not an issue. The only time I get frustrated is when we're trying to get out of the house in time and she's faffing around hugging the dog, getting a blanket, hugging the dog again etc! The problem is, she doesn't listen to him. For example if she's standing on the kitchen stool, he'll tell her to get down because it's dangerous and she will ignore him. He will ask her a question and she will ignore him. The crux of the problem is getting her to value his input as she does mine but will this not happen because he is not around as much?

Hi - I'm back again.

It is probably hard (if not impossible) for her to understand why, when you are around every day for her, that Dad couldn't be the same. Even though she knows the 'routine' she won't understand the reasons behind it.

Children learn a great deal is a short time, and their awareness of their place in the world develops as they mature. They probably feel they have very little 'control' over their life, what they can and can't do, and what other people do for, or to, them.

Does DH travel for a living? Maybe if DD knew more about what he did, where he went etc, that might help her feel more 'connected' to him, even when he was away. Children don't comprehend much about 'time' and 'distance' until they are two or three years into school life, and even then it's only a vague understanding; which is why I feel teaching Yr2 about Romans or Victorians is pretty meaningless, even though they might find it interesting!

If you and he could explain more to her about where he goes and what he does, maybe showing her pictures or simple maps of where he is, and she couple follow his journey, think about where he is on different days, and how many more 'sleeps' until he comes home, she might not feel 'abandoned'. (Perhaps you have done all that already, in which case I don't know what else to suggest!)

In a way, maybe she is kind of 'punishing' him for not always being around when she feels she needs him.

"and she could follow his journey" - not "couple".

(I'm a touch typist, and fingers take over sometimes!)

Thanks Ferguson thats a really good idea. I think you have hit the nail on the head about her knowing the routine but not necessarily understanding why I had not thought of it like that. She knows he is in London and has been to his flat and she understands work (she thinks I drive buses...I absolutely do not!) but getting her ot understand his travels and why he is away is a good idea, with pictures. Thank you.

Would he be able to Skype with her? Or maybe old fashion letters addressed to her? They may not arrive on time or she may not be able to read it but it may spark her interest and shows that he is not ignoring her while he's away and that he misses her?

Total guesses! I write to my kids sometimes just to see their face light up when they get mail as only DH and I get mail. If you've already tried then I'm out of ideas! :)

My dd (same age) does this, similar setup. I find when dh isn't working weekends if I get him to take her exciting like softplay or swimming on their own they have fun and it helps.

Thank you for the suggestions. I like the letter one! After DH shouted at DD at the weekend he's been feeling terrible so has been face timing DD when he can this week. Unfortunately he can't take mobiles etc into work and doesn't get back to his accommodation til after DD's bedtime, but this week we've been lucky with the timings. This evening he was on the iPad draped over the towel rail in the bathroom while DD had her bath. She enjoyed chatting to him.

We also started doing family swimming a few weeks ago on a Sunday morning. She does ignore both of us though and swims off on her own with us just casting around after her to make sure she's ok!

I will suggest them going on their own, it might make it better that I am not there for her to go to.

Yes when I'm not there she gets on with it but if I'm there she prefers to have me doing things so alone is better even if there is some separation anxiety but you'll see what works for you. It must be horrible to be the parent in the position of being punished for working hard.

Lots of good suggestions above, I hope that they will help.

This evening he was on the iPad draped over the towel rail in the bathroom while DD had her bath. She enjoyed chatting to him.

I might be misunderstanding this. Do you mean that your DH was playing on his iPad whilst DD was trying to have a conversation with him? If so, then could she be being a lot more mature than I would be repeating the behaviour back again? I.e. ignoring him when he wants to talk to her?

I suspect that it's not as simple as that though and I've probably just got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

I Think op meant dad was chatting to her via the iPad i.e. he was in London, she was in the bath.

Fwiw, dh works long hours & gets "no want daddy" sometimes when he gets home. I find it fairly heartbreaking that for the 15 mins dh gets to spend with ds, this is the reaction he sometimes gets. I've recently tried to give them some pure 121 time & it's helped a bit.

I like the suggestion of the two of them finding something they enjoy they can do together. Your oh may have to dig deeper to find the patience required though. That's why I advocate the pure 121 time. Dh's seem to wimp out & don't really learn how to discipline when the expert is present!

Oops, that makes far more sense, sorry!

Sorry! Only just saw the responses. Yes, the iPad was draped over the towel rail and DD was in the bath and we were face timing DH on the iPad!

I suggested one to one time this weekend but DH said he likes to be with me too as it's the only time we have. At swimming I left DH with DD whilst I swam at the deep end and she just did her own thing and ignored him. I had a chat with her that Daddy felt sad when DD didn't' want to play with him. She understood and when he came over she grinned at him but then got up off my lap and toddled off to the main pool, ignoring DH when he was talking to her .

It could just be that we're expecting our kids to have a level empathy that's beyond their years?

When ds says "no want Daddy" I tell him it's not nice, it doesnt seem to sink in & then will give him a great big hug & kiss night-night, then basically chuck him out of the bedroom to get on with story time!