How on earth do you deal with a child accusing you of hurting them when you're not?!

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

My DS is 9, we're having real issues with him claiming DP and I are hurting him when we are really not.

As an example, he was asked to go on time out on the stairs (something we've always done with varying success) so he's on the the stairs making a fuss about being there and DP walked up the stairs past him, I was at the top of the stairs so could clearly see that they did not make contact. DS however started rolling around saying DP had stamped on his foot!

He is always doing this, I'll walk past him and he'll start screaming that I've hit him or pushed him, none of these things have ever happened. The most we have ever physically engaged with the children other than hugs/kisses and play fighting is when one of us has had to pick him up and carry him upstairs or out of a public place when he's being violent or overly disruptive.

I'm actually getting really concerned that he's going to get one of us into serious trouble for something that isn't going on!
Also I'm worried about why he's doing it, he's fine the rest of the time but as soon as he gets in a strop this starts.

I do think you have an issue if it is also your 9 year old you are talking about having to carry out of public places for being violent or disruptive. Generally speaking you would not expect that kind of behaviour from a 9 year old. In terms of the behaviour I think you need to first of all look at what is triggering his poor behaviour: is he tired, hungry, over-stimulated (sensory problems?); do you see issues at school (not that you always will as children can be very good at maintaining control in school but not in less structured environments); do you see worse behaviour after certain types of food; is it simply a way of manipulating to try to get his own way; do you have concerns about any of his other behaviours which could indicate a developmental disorder like ASD which would explain his outbursts; how often do they happen; what is his relationship with your DP normally like; is he worse towards DP than you? If DP is not his biological dad, does he see his dad, have a healthy relationship with him etc. Has their been a time in his life where he did witness aggressive behaviour which he might now be replaying when upset? Have you had a chat with your GP about his behaviour and asked her/him if they have any local services you can access?

Sorry that was a long list of questions for you to think about rather than any practical help, but if you can identify why the outbursts are happening you'll have a better chance of working successfully to overcome them.

Thank you for answering.

DS has cystic Fibrosis, he does get tired, hungry easily and grumpy especially when he's unwell, unfortunately he is often unwell which is normal for his condition, striking a balance between treating him 'normally' and being sympathetic to his illness is really hard, he's got worse recently with his out bursts which I think is due to him rebelling about his illness and treatments (it ties in with him suddenly hiding medication and rejecting physio) although the hospital team say he's too young to be rebelling so they can't/won't help.

Yes I was talking about him having to be carried out of places
, I have also tried and tired to get him assessed our SN but he's fine at at school, bright, cheerful, popular.

He does act out with both of us but he is worse with DP who isn't his biological dad, he sees his B Dad most weekends and they have a good relationship although he does play up with him to.

He hasn't seen violence as far as I know I'm quite strict with allowing him to see age appropriate tv/games only, although I think his B dad lets him and his brother watch Call of Duty on the xbox, something I have had words about but it seems ton a e been ignored.

As far as I can tell DS's problems stem from being tired,Che has to get up at 6am every morning to allow us to fit medical stuff in before school/ other day to stuff although he goes to bed at a good time and isn't up late.

Sorry if I've forgotten anything.

It does sound as if his CF may be having an emotional impact on him. Are there any local support groups for you as parents, or for him? Does he have the opportunity to meet with other young people who face the same struggles and difficulties he does. It seems a bit daft for the hospital to say he is 'too young' to be rebelling against his condition/meds when he is doing just that by hiding them and refusing physio. He is getting old enough to understand his diagnosis and condition in a whole new way; it is only natural that he have an emotional reaction to that new understanding. I think it sounds as if you could both do with some support in helping you help him and in helping him understand, accept and live with his CF. It must be only natural too, as he gets older and really begins to understand his illness and its impact upon his daily life, that he resents it and lashes out. As you are administering many of his treatments etc he may be lashing out at you in 'retaliation'. Have you thought of posting on Children's Health with a thread title highlighting the fact your DS has CF and seeing if other parents in a similar situation can offer experiences?

In terms of managing his behaviour I would say have a supply of snacks handy so as to try to head off the grumpy downward spiral into poor behaviour. Then rethink his consequences for poor behaviour if timeout is not really having the desired effect e.g. losing computer time. I would also suggest, if you do not already do so, that you give him a weekly allowance, a % of which he earns thru jobs. Then if he is refusing to behave you can dock his earnings as a consequence. As you recognise, he needs normal consequences and as normal a childhood as you can manage. He does not need his CF to be used as a free pass on bad behaviour, but if what you are seeing is down to the emotional reaction to his illness I would definitely look at a support group, psychological services support (e.g. thru the hospital) etc to help you all as a family.

Good luck to you and your family. Having a child with a condition like CF takes a toll on the whole family so I hope you all have a great support network available to you.

I have something very similar at DS (also 9); even the slightest calm but firm and quiet scolding he will probably complain that we were shouting at him in a super loud, angry and spiteful fashion. I guess that's just how he receives even mild rebukes. And he will spray angry emotion back to us in consequence.

It is MADDENING. And makes it very hard to feel like he can ever give an objective account of things that happened to him. So if he says he's being teased and punched at school, I could well believe he received no more than a slightly snippy remark and a small but unwanted pat on the back.

Friend's 7yo DS was always in trouble for lashing out school until discovered he had a bone disease & went on strong painkillers, resulted in a personality transformation. I sometimes wonder what DS would be like if I doped him up on painkillers.

you know, lljk, my dd is now doped up on painkillers and AD's and the personality transformation is pretty well complete

all the common sense and good humour that was being smothered by constant pain and the sense of injustice that brings is now coming to the fore

we did have to wait a long time before she was allowed it and I can understand why- I took the same painkillers once after an op and had to stop as it affected my heartbeat, I thought I was having a heart attack, so pretty powerful stuff

lots of to both of you; that is so difficult to live with

Titsalina, is your ds having any counselling re living with a chronic condition? we had to argue for a long time for that but with hindsight it's one of the most useful things we did, just finding a place where someone could say to dd "yes, of course it is absolute shit having to live with a condition like this, but we can help you find ways of dealing with it".

I think you need to have a really serious word with the hospital!

9 is not too young to feel rebellious. The worst school report I ever got was aged 9/10. I was the brightest DC in a badly differentiated class of 40. I was bored witless and very badly behaved.

DD2 could have her moments at nine too, just because she wanted more freedom than it was safe to give her. Mainly wanting to stay home, not go places she didn't want to.

Any Y5/Y6 teacher will tell you older primary DCs start testing boundaries.

They're really struggling with CAMHS stuff in our area, we were referred once a couple if years ago and basically got told they were over subscribed and couldn't offer any help.

I will keep pushing the hospital to try and get some counselling or something for him.

Keeping him well stocked up on snacks does help, he doesn't absorb fat and vitamins even with the extra medication so he does get hungry a lot, he's just say down and polished off 2 large gammon and salad wraps with a huge pile of homemade wedges, a kiwi fruit and a large glass of strawberry milkshake, I give it an hour tops before he's hunting for a snack to last him until dinner.

He's due IV antibiotics soon so maybe 2 weeks of dealing with his outburst on the ward will help shift them up a gear about getting the right help for him.

Thank you for your replies.

I have had something similar but my DC is younger.

Turned out 1) he was being bullied by other children 2) he was really upset about the fact that his dad and I weren't together ( and was being bullied about this ).

He is much happier now the bullying has stopped/ he has had the opportunity to really express how he felt about the marriage break - up . I am also making a real effort to really praise good behaviour and to listen to him.

Could you take him out for the day on your own? My DC really opens up on long car journeys.

Hope you get to the bottom of exactly what the issue is.

Sounds like you have a lot to deal with OP ' as does your DS. Fingers crossed you get some support with his reaction to his illness soon.

Leftfield suggestion in the meantime - is he a football fan? Does he ever watch professional football?

My first thought was that his behaviour sounds exactly like a premiership footballer - ie over exaggerating/fabricating an 'injury'.

Could be he's emulating such role models as a way of acting out against his illness (or other issues).

Hope you find a way through soon.

No specific advice on your situation except that dd1 and her friends (8/9) are beginning to get quite sensitive and I can almost see the hormone levels rising. Just being asked to apologise for something will turn our mild mannered 8yr old into a screaming banshee telling us that no one understands her we always take everyone else's side, she wants to move out and live somewhere else. She had tantrums as a toddler, then calmed down considerably but now they are back.

When she has stormed off we leave her to it for a while - she puts herself into time out in her bedroom, you might find that would be better for your ds - go and calm down in your room, then no one can be doing anything to him. After a little while to calm down a slightly sheepish dd emerges. I know puberty is generally later in boys but it might be one explanation for his moods. Quite apart from his health and relationship issues.

DS is a huge football fan, I'm not sure he's even seen or acknowledged the theatrics on pitch though, I might be wrong, I guess you never know what they absorb.

He'll be quite a few years behind with hormones due to his health, I did think he might be getting the surge boys get around 5-7ish rather than an pre teen thing.

Some days he's really lovely, we sat and read Harry Potter together last night on his bed and it was a stark contrast between then and the writhing banshee of the previous day!

It's tough having a serious chronic illness in childhood.
The best advice I can give is to allow him to seek out knowledge... But be careful of the content in case it's frightening .
Keep him in the loop about treatment etc but treat him normally... He is allowed special attention for his illness and to validate it to him, but at the same time explain he can still have friends and do fun things as he grows up.
Counselling or play therapy may be a good thing to have intermittently, and meeting other children with the condition.
Re the drama ... It makes me think he wants attention, and he needs to be validated in some way.

It may not be deliberate exaggerating.

What I've felt about dd (and to a lesser extent ds) was that having a chronic condition was messing with her head.

Experiencing life in a way that was so different to everybody around her and never being able to explain to anybody what it was like (and having been disbelieved) meant that she could never herself be sure if what she was feeling was real, so she never knew what was an appropriate reaction. Is this real or am I imagining it? When are you justified in making a fuss? When should you just get on with it?

Also, most of us learn that sort of thing from sharing physical reactions with other people around us and seeing how they react- e.g. how much fuss do you make about a grazed knee, how much about a broken arm, let's look what my mates are doing.

When you have a body that is different, you just don't have that frame of reference. You can't observe somebody else's reactions to your kind of pain if you're the only person you know who has it.

One thing that helped dd enormously was spending some time in a rehabilitation unit, meeting other children with all sorts of complaints, both physical and MH. It didn't help her with finding out about her own condition (she was the only EDS child there) but it did show her that other people were in the same boat regarding the uncertainty.

Otoh ds didn't tell us about his chronic pain for years- because he thought that was how everybody experienced life.