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Original poster

Has anyone employed someone to help with parenting skills??

13 replies

loujay · 31/07/2006 09:37

Hi,
I think the thread title says it all really!!
My DH and I are thinking about getting someone in as it were to help me with DD. I am stuggling to cope with disciplining her recently. I know that the issue is mine ( my mum died last year and I have now come off AD's but am struggling with the whole coping thing in general)
I am just interested in seeing if anyone else has had any experience with a "supernanny" type person.

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Original poster
loujay · 31/07/2006 09:43

Noone then??

OP posts:
yawningmonster · 31/07/2006 10:11

Bumping for you, I havent but wouldnt have a clue who to call anyway. I do think it is very helpful to sometimes have an objective eye for some situations as a parent you (not you personally) are too close to the situation to see the solutions at times itms. So maybe not an expert but just someone you trust whose opinion you value to come and observe what is happening and see if they can give you a new way of looking at things and dealing with them.

thechildsslave · 31/07/2006 11:25

Its really hard when they are your own . Is there not a good mate that you trust who can set you right . (they have to have the same ideas on parenting as you . ) I have just done this for a friend of mine (on ADs as well) Her little one was 18 months and totally ruled the roost ,her older child 7 hated her sister and she told me her and her husband really didnt like her . (how sad for all of them to get into this situation ) She did trust me ( I have been a nanny for 23 years and have my own DS of 7 ) So I do have a bit of experience and a few tips and an objective mind . I wanted to see how bad it was . My god she was allowed to get away with everything and cried the whole time she didnt , but I told her (mum) that she made her like this and it would get worse befor it got better . So she used time out for 2 mins just to show her that mum was the boss and not the child . Praised good behaviour all the usual stuff . After 2 days there really was a change in her . It did take time and was not an overnight fix but it did get better . I also told her to tell the little girl how clever she was and how good she was loads and loads . This was all new to her as mum was so down about the whole thing that she couldnt praise her at all . She said she felt silly doing it but I Insisted I am talking loads of praise here not just the odd one or two good girl . Mum is happier now . how old is your little one ?

Original poster
loujay · 31/07/2006 13:43

Sorry, went out!!
My DD will be 3 at the end of August.
Thanks for your reply and advice, I have been doing all of the praise at good things / time out when naughty etc but we seem to have moved on to a completely new level!!
Time out no longer works, she will quite happily sit on her own for 30 mins with no hint of a sorry or an acknowledgement of any wrong doing. We do praise her at other times for playing nicely etc. She just seems to get caught in a spiral of naughty behaviour which always seems to culminate in someone else getting hurt. - For example we went out for the day on Saturday for a christening, DD pushed others over, laid on top of them, had to be restrained to stop her doing it again and just when everything had settled down she pushed another child down a flight of 3 steps. At that stage we went home, she refused to apologise, the other child was screaming, everyone was looking at us as if we had no control over her (which we dont!!) and all me and DP could do was apologise profusely and leave. This is now causing a huge rift between me and DP with him telling me to "handle it" and me resorting to shouting as everything else is failing.
I feel like such a bad mother at the moment and this is exacerbated by the fact that the only person I really feel I could talk to about this - my Mum - is dead!!
DP never wants to socialise again, saying that everyone is now judging us and he is fed up of going out to places with friends where DD gets blamed for everything and the others get away with it.
Friends are helpful but everyone else I know has a nanny or sends their child to nursery full time.

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 31/07/2006 14:32

Ow Bless . Seriously I think you should sit down and make a list of the things that are important to you regarding her behaviour . (be realistic) (very realistic) And then tackle one bit at a time . Be strong . People please dont flame me for this if it comes out wrong but make your voice rather stern if you have asked her to do something and she dosnt do it . And notice I said ask not tell. And give her short sentances not long ones . This only confuses the issues. Reagarding saying sorry if she dosnt want to say it she isnt going to . Do you apoligise to her if you have done something not quite right . I always said say sorry or give them a hug . If the child feels like they have a choice they will do it . I know and you know they should say sorry but it can turn into another battle that she will win . Another thought show her conciquences ( bloody good nanny but cant spell for toffee ) I would engineer that you take her somewhere she likes going ie the park and be preparred to come home within 5 (yes 5) minutes . If she dosnt behave . This shows to her that you mean business. You may have to do this a few times but I promise you it will work . It may seem a drag but if you look at it as a learning curve and you are teaching her how to behave you will see the point in doing it rather than a trip to the park where she misbehaves AGAIN . Take control . I did spot the bit about you mum dying and this has more than likely made everything turn on its head have you thought about counciling for this and then it might make you feel stronger and less alone in dealing with your feelings . I hope things get better for you it will take time but you will get there in the end . I have worked full time and I have just had a year off and now I am going back part time so other people might have nannies and nurserys to take care of their children for whatever reasons but I am sure when she is older she will appreciate you being a SAHM . She does dosnt realise it yet .

tenalady · 31/07/2006 14:37

have a look atthis click on parenting together which gives a list of workshops etc.

Original poster
loujay · 31/07/2006 14:38

Thanks alot for your support. I will start trying the things you have suggested today!!
FUnnily enough I am starting counselling on Wednesday, this should help.
Thanks again.
Lou

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 31/07/2006 15:03

Keep strong remember Rome wasnt built in a day .

Katymac · 31/07/2006 15:22

I do think a behaviour management course would help you along side a parenting one

It is very easy for other people to decide what is important - but these courses will allow you to choose what you consider important

I agree (btw) about saying sorry - a forced apology is useless - removing her (even if just to sit in the car) is much better (imo)

Original poster
loujay · 01/08/2006 09:22

Ok, an update!!
Started by going on an already arranged trip to Woburn Safari Park. DD was sitting in the front kicking me and the car. I explained that this behaviour was unacceptable - she said sorry and stopped..........then started again........I explained again and said that if it continued then we would go straight home, it continued, we went home!!
On the way home she started again and I said that if she continued to kick me there would be no television when we got home.........she continued....no television!!
During tea, she insisted on standing up and throwing her fork around so I said that if she was going to continue to stand up I would put reins on her.........she continued .......reins on.
I then had a chat with her saying that Mummy was in charge not DD and that Mummy made the rules, not DD.
We had a better evening BUT........she went to be with no fuss and slept until 6.30!! (usually up at 5am)
I feel much more on top of things this morning and we have not fallen out once yet today.
Many Thanks again for ideas and support.
Lou

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 01/08/2006 10:54

Well done you I am really proud of the way you handled it. I dont think I could have been as brave to go home from woburn ( thats a biggie ) Kudos to you . Seriously it should only take a week of constant consistancy of you being the boss . you must be really proud of yourself . Well done . Hope the counsiling goes ok tomorrow . I am having trouble with my 7 yr old DS but I think its a case of raging hormones . Remember react to the biggies and ignore the small things . I hope you have praised her about 10 times this morning . LOL

Katymac · 01/08/2006 15:14

That sounds fab

You carried through on your promises
You reasoned

Great - keep up the good work (& remember if it all falls apart one day you can start again the next day)

thechildsslave · 03/08/2006 14:04

Loujay hows it going . Good I hope .

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