First off, I'm a dad, so go easy on me. ;o)
Sorry, it's a long post too, but I'm finding myself in a bit of a situation and could use some pointers from anyone who might have been there before.
I have two kids, my son who's 13 and a daughter who's 10. I've been divorced from their mum for over 4 years now (long story, but the relationship was over for about 3/4 years before that) and since last summer, the kids have been splitting their time equally between both parents' houses.
Before last summer, they lived with me most of the time.
I also have a new partner of about 3 years and we're expecting a baby next month.
The older kids have always gotten on really well with my new partner, pretty much from the first time they met her and she really is brilliant with them. She spends tons of time with them when they're home, helping with homework, baking, playing, talking, etc, etc. She disciplines them when she needs to, but also knows when to keep her distance and not to step on either mine (or the kids' mum's) toes in terms of parenting. So, all is well, in that respect.
However, my 13yo has started to become increasingly difficult over the last 12 months or so. He's moody, argumentative, sullen, uncommunicative, bad tempered, spends hours in his room, etc, etc. But he can also be really pleasant to be around, too, and there seems to be no kind of clues as to what mood he'll be in.
Anyway, because the baby's due next month, we're kind of in the middle of making arrangements for what happens when we have to head off into hospital. My ex wife (children's mum) emailed me to suggest that they could stay with her for a week while it was all happening, which initially seemed like a nice gesture, but before I could reply to say that we wanted to try to keep the routine as normal as possible so that the kids didn't feel like they were being shunted out of the way for a new baby, she'd already told them that that was the plan.
(As a side note, mum often does make plans like that for the kids without checking with me first whether it might affect any arrangements I might already have in place.)
The kids came home from school last night and my 10yo daughter was really upset that mum had told her that she wasn't going to be around when the baby arrived, and my 13yo son also got upset when we told him that we'd really like him to be here instead.
Also, my daughter was chatting to my partner last night, and (due to my daughter's complete inability to keep a secret!) it transpires that when the kids are at their mum's, my son has recently been telling everyone that he 'doesn't like' my partner.
Obviously this really upset my partner, especially given that she does so much for both kids when they're here at home. And especially more so as he's usually really pleasant around her. My daughter says it upsets her too, when she hears him say it.
I can only assume that he's saying it because, it gets him some attention from his mum (that isn't often forthcoming), and that it's his hormones playing up as he's hitting the teenage years.
I also think he sees quite a big difference in the two households too. Here at home, there are real boundaries, pretty strict bedtimes, meals round a table every night, and plenty of reminders to have a shower, brush your teeth, change your school shirt every day, etc, etc. While at mum's, it seems to be a bit of a free-for-all, from what the kids tell me.
So, maybe he doesn't like it as much here at home because there are genuine rules, and he's communicating that by saying he doesn't like my partner?
I also wonder whether it's to do with the baby, and it might well be, but I over heard my son and daughter talking between themselves totally unprompted a month or two ago and both agreed that they were excited about the baby.
Either way, I'm planning to have a talk to my son about this in the next couple of days to try to find out why he says this kind of thing when he's not at home, and whether there's anything we can do to make the situation better.
Basically, my partner's really upset over the way he's telling people he feels about her, and he's a moody teenager who can be really difficult to talk to, and I feel like I'm a bit stuck in the middle of all this!
Any ideas on how I can tackle this with both of them - but especially with my son?
Thx.