My 9 year old refuses to sleep on her own

[shuma68]

My dd wont sleep on her own. Its like WW3 when we try and to reason with her. Her father and i separated for a year and recently got back together. DD was in my room with me as i wanted her to feel secure during a difficult time. So...trying to get her to sleep on her own now is proving very difficult. I realise it wont happen overnight but tbh we are both a bit lost. We have been taking it in turns to sleep with her in her bed in her room. We have tried to leave when she is asleep but she wakes up and at best has gone back to sleep but this requires getting up numerous times during the night and at worst she has packed and said she is leaving home. DD and I have a really strong bond and she knows i love her deeply. We have tried to offer a reward if she sleeps one night on her own. Any good ideas esp from someone who has been thru a similar situation would be much appreciated.

Do you have any idea why she won't sleep alone? Is she feeling insecure or is this simply a battle of wills? Is there a counselor at school she can maybe talk to about this?

Here are some ideas of things you can try (some as interim measures):

• nightlight
• soothing music
• you sleep on a mattress in her room rather than in her bed
• let her sleep on a mattress in your room
• don't lie down with her, sit in a chair or on the floor until she falls asleep and then leave
• tell her she must fall asleep in her room she can come and sleep on your floor if she wakes up in the night, but she is not allowed to wake you up

I'm not sure if its a combination of battle of wills and jealousy that she is having to share me with her dad and he with me. She loves company so if she has a sleep over its great, sadly no other siblings. She is scared of the dark but has a night light and option of leaving the bathroom light on. The soothing music and mattress ideas are great ones. The staying with her til she is asleep is not working as she wakes several times thou i wonder if we persist will it change? There are 2-3 great ideas there so will the music first and see if that works. Thank you SOOO much for taking the time to help lasting light. Will update and see how it pans out :)

You're welcome. My 11 year old dd is also having sleep problems at the moment. Chamomile tea helps.

Has your dd had problems sleeping previously lasting light? I was in with her again last night but tonight i am working so it will be interesting to see what happens. dh is tougher with her, feel like i'm being pulled between the two of them which is a bit annoying. Wondering if the not wanting to be alone is part of a bigger thing, dd had major tantrum this morning trying everything to get my attention from complaining of major back and tummy ache, leaving things on the ironing i was doing, throwing the fruit from the bowl on the floor, writing 'I am Stupid' all over her page, hitting herself on the head, telling me i'm fat and ugly, not tucking her shirt in when usually she is meticulous about that, putting her jumper on back to front, her shoes on the wrong feet and complaining her feet hurt, i swear she must have a book with a list of annoying things to do to get attention! Anyway i was having non of it and walked her to school telling her that if she was really sick the school would let me know. She can be an angel and is out of the house at school and friends but i swear its like having the devil present sometimes- i never thought that would be possible and feel awful for saying this about my gorgeous beautiful girl but its true. Is it circumstances past that have caused her to lose her head or this whole 'tween scene' i wonder

When she was much younger she had problems falling asleep, we used to play calming music for her at bedtime. We went through a phase now where she couldn't fall asleep without lights on in the house and would wake up at night, then cause a big scene because the house is dark. This has suddenly changed to can't sleep if it isn't dark, we must close all the doors to rooms that have lights on when she goes to bed. You can't win.

I would guess that part of your dd's bad behaviour this morning was caused by being tired. However it sounds as if the sleep issue might be a symptom of a bigger problem. Can you arrange counselling for her?

My DD 9 is exactly the same so I think it is the hormones. I have worked out the best thing is to ignore the bad behaviour (as far as I can!) and lots of praise for good. It's like having a giant toddler! Also my DD is an only child and I have decided that the squabbling / fighting they would possibly do with a sibling has to come out and so we get that aimed at us as well.

Can't help with the sleep issues but wanted to let you know you are not alone on the preteen tantrums

jinglebellsarecoming my dd is also an only child and I think you're right about them saving all the bad behaviour for us as they have nobody else to take it out on!

Yes Lasting, I have also noticed that she will have a 'fight' with one parent and then go to the other to complain, get comfort etc etc just like would happen with siblings and carers. Might just be my DD though. Ps sorry for the mini hijack!

Hi thanks for your comments, yes my dd is an only child, she does the same re arguing and going to other parent to complain. Thank you for your encouragement jinglebellsarecoming, lol..mini hijacking fine..come on in lol. Was talking to a friend and she has a 12 year old boy who is exactly the same re sleep problems, she has a younger sibling and is currently building bunk beds for them to share and solve the older ones issues, lucky her! need a child to rent to do the same! lol. Things much the same this end, just taking in turns to share realising its not going to be cured overnight but i do think the issue is one of control, hoping if we encourage her and get our relationship stable again she will feel more secure...big sign..life is tough. Feel like my life is in a snow globe and just as things begin to settle it all gets shaken up again. Holding on and hoping

Phenergan?

You could put a monitor in her room and tell her that if she wakes up and she really needs you then she can 'yell' but you're not sleeping in there and she's not sleeping in your room.

Maybe she just needs the reassurance she's still 'special'

We are still having problems. I feel like i'm in the middle, dh seems to be close to a breakdown and dd wont sleep on her own, ended up in our bed the night before last to appease both, last night was in her bed but felt bad cos dh was on his own. Going to try the mattress on the floor tonight. Wonder how that will go. My only reluctance is that we are taking her out of her room and she is coming in ours. her room is too small to have another mattress on her floor.

Well we decided enough is enough! Dh and I are back together a month now and dd still not in her bed so we have taken the bull by the horns and finally last night after a scene out of super nanny she fell asleep by herself... Ok it was 3am but she did it!!! It started out when she packed to leave. I helped fold her pjs and helped her open the front door..this being a constant threat that she will run away and fourth time, at least, packing. So decided I'd go along with it. She got out if the door with her four bags but wouldn't let the door close. A couple of minutes later she was back in! 1 point to us. Yay! Then bedtime.... Heated water for bath but she refused. Got her in bed then the fun started to keep her there! Screams, cries, punches, kicks, phone a friend, she nearly kicked the door in of our bedroom, eventually dh stayed with her till she slept, three times during the night she tried bringing pillows and blankets to sleep on our floor and each time was taken back, all in all I think we put her back in about a dozen times. Twice dh stayed with her then I tried but she refused to sleep. So I left. Finally she asked if she could put the bathroom light on as well as keep the night light on and with a yes and a few points in our bag she layed down to sleep til 7am. think we might all need a powernap today at some point. I gave her promised prize of magazine saying I was proud of her cos she fell asleep herself so hopefully she will be ungrounded, can watch tv and get her iPad back if she goes to be with no problems tonight.