Very immature 11yo - can I help?

[BraveLilBear]

Odd one this as I'm not sure anything is 'wrong' but the way my DSS behaves feels 'not right'.

He's a young 11yo who started secondary school in September. As a rule, he's polite and charming, and comes across as a pre-teen who is hitting puberty ie starting to voice contradictory opinions, suddenly likes lie-ins.

But a lot of the behaviour we see is odd.

Things like: 'plays' with his baby brother's toys by violently crashing them against each other 2 inches from DS' s face; being completely incapable of playing by himself - he is constantly asking (usually me, sometimes his dad) to 'watch this watch this' even if we are already watchin;, he will repeat nearly everything he says until someone acknowledges him; he'll often use the wrong words eg catched not caught, flied not flew (tho i do now gently correct these); he frequently interrupts adult conversation; he refuses to eat any vegetable or try new foods - eg if you ask him to have one mouthful of peas he'll practically make himself sick and will only generally eat things like chicken nuggets, fishfingers, pizza, chips; he often adopts a baby voice or baby mannerisms - this weekend we went to a subway for lunch.

After the sandwich, the cookies had been baked so we asked DSS to go and buy some. We were 3 yards away but he found it difficult to stand still in the queue, and he eventually started making peekabo faces to us.

He's generally very hyper and needs to be told to calm down by his dad but this way of acting - like a child of 5 or 6 - doesn't seem to be diminishing with age.

I'm a bit worried - if he does any of this at school he's going to have a very difficult time. Is all this normal for an 11-yo? Do I need to be concerned? Is there anything I can do to help him leave this stuff behind? He does have some learning difficulties but I don't know what (if anything) has been diagnosed - I think dyslexia, possibly dyspraxia too.

We give him lots of attention, talk to him and include him in everything we do, I've recently started giving him more responsibility/opportunities to feel involved eg helping put his brother's socks on, nipping to the corner shop alone for smaller items and helping with meals in the kitchen.

I'm very aware that this really isn't any of my business but if there's ways in which we can help in the once a week visits, I'd love to.

I'm no expert but I think it's shouting out he needs more attention and time spent with his dad.

Can he not come over more? Does he have any contact with hid df during week? Skype, phone calls?

Don't worry about school, I bet he is fine there.

his not hid

You may feel it's none of your business, but it's definitely his Dads business to know if he is dyslexic, dyspraxic, or diagnosed with anything else.

The firs part of your DSS description sounds like my 8yo DD, who I think it slightly immature.

I have a 10yo, and he wouldn't behave like this, so I would say the behaviour is immature.

I think your DP really needs to speak to his mother about the behaviour, and to find out if he does have any diagnosis.

It's certainly worth getting His dad to talk to his mum. My dyslexic DD1 was somewhat socially immature and prone to getting bullied at that sort of age. Because senior school knew her problems, they were able to find her some one in SN to talk to when she found things hard.

He lives 45minutes away so physical contact during the week is very difficult. Until recently, they used to both play together on the Xbox and catch up then. DP tho hasn't done this since getting his PS4 so I might suggest they plan a midweek game.

I do agree tho that a lot of his behaviour is attention seeking and do worry that it seems to have become more apparent since DS was born - DSS has a young brother and sister at home so he used to get undivided attention when he came to ours, particularly from me - although he has always been excitable as long as I've known him.

Re his diagnoses, I'm pretty sure he has one as he's had special help at school for a while eg was using ipads for literacy in primary school, the only one in his class to do so. I don't know how much assistance he gets at secondary.

His parents do talk at least once a week so I might raise some of these points with DP to ask if he's like that at home, too.

Thanks for the input - I didn't want to stick my nose in without being clear about 'regular' behaviour; when we've light-heartedly talked about some of the things he does, DP usually shrugs and says he's always been like that and that he's just a bit weird (not in a mean way).

I think the important thing is that quirky 'wierd' DCs begin to take ownership of their difficulties/differences as they get older.

DD knows she can't make people be friends with her, but she can be slightly less loud and in your face. She can be slightly less fussy.

She seeks out lunch time clubs and things to do that means she gets company in a controlled environment.

She's bright and works hard, she deliberately avoids detention for undone HW etc because she knows it's really easy for teachers to find her annoying (before realising she's actually pretty clever).

She's a good singer and bothers to work at lessons and choir, because she realises that being good at something is a massive boost to your own self esteem. Also gets her street cred when much more popular girls admit they'd never have the nerve to sing solo.

Your DSS needs to know you and his Dad are 100% on his side, but that sometimes that means he has to think about how his actions come over to other people and how he can get the best reactions.

That's a fabulous perspective starball, thanks for sharing. Sounds like your DD has total back up from you, she's very lucky to have that, and the wherewithal to be self aware.

Will definitely have a chat with DP about how we can encourage him to be more grown up, if we can make him see that he gets the same attention - and much more positive attention - by behaving well, I'm sure thatwill help

Positive attention certainly helps as does making sure he's encouraged in any hobbies or pass times he's good at.

My younger DD is also way happier if she feels in control and I'm wondering if the same tricks of letting him choose what he and his dad (and the family) do when he visits would work here.

DD2 doesn't get major choices, just which fast food joint, supermarket, swimming pool shall we go to or permission to stay home an hour on her own or walk to the corner shop. Nothing earth shattering, just acknowledging she's growing up.