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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Toddler DD cries every time I collect her from GM [sad]

12 replies

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 21/01/2014 14:16

I'm feeling quite down about this and I'm not sure how to tackle it.

DD is 21 months and goes to MIL two days a week when I work. (I also work weekends, but DH has her then.) She has always been fine there - apart from a couple of months of separation anxiety. She loves going and MIL loves it too, but recently she has been tantrumming when I arrive as she doesn't want to come home with me

I'm really gutted about it and I hate the fact she isn't excited to see me or pleased I'm coming to get her. I'm just concerned she is getting too attached to her GM (who does spoil her somewhat..) and it is going to damage our relationship and maybe I am not spending enough time with her. I must admit that she is clingy with whoever she has been with through the day - .e.g. will pull away from DH when he gets in with work as has spent the day with me. Just feel that surely she should be closer to her parents than grandparents?!

I'm considering cutting down to one day a week to make sure DD has enough time with me. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

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Mishmashfamily · 21/01/2014 15:25

Hello op, I'm sure some one will come along with some wise words!

When I used to have my dn he used to hide when he was getting collected and refuse to go home. I don't think it's nothing to do with you, it's just for the short time they are with some one else, it's fun and different.

I knew 100% when he got tired only mum would do.

Have you spoke to MIL about it? My mil would positively thrive off that if my dc behaved that way and would probably encourage it!

Why don't you get cheep pound stuff toys, pencils and stuff so when you pick her up, give them to her and let her play with them for a short period and put away again for the next day when she is settled at home .

It must be horrible for you but don't take it personally !

MaxsMummy2012 · 21/01/2014 15:46

My 14 month old goes to my mum twice a week and is exactly the same, he loves spending time with her and hates leaving, when we're all together he always goes to my mum over me. It did bother me for a bit and then I thought about it and decided I was being an idiot, it's lovely that he loves his nan so much and actually it's brilliant that while I'm at work he is so happy somewhere else. I know his relationship with my mum hasn't affected his relationship with me because when it's the two of us he dotes on me. Just be happy that your dd is happy spending time with her nan while you're working. Finally if you genuinely think you dont spend enough time with your dd then yes you should cut down your working hours (if that's a possibility) however if you are only considering cutting down your hours to prevent your dd spending that time with your mil (who she clearly loves and enjoys seeing) then actually I think that's wrong and selfish of you.

Theas18 · 21/01/2014 16:01

OP don't take it personally. We used to have this all the time with nursery.

Take it as reassurance that your child care is somewhere that your child loves to be and doesn't want to go home from ( as home is boring and means tea and bedtime usually at that point in the day!)

You'd be feeling down too if they were standing at the window waiting for you desperate to see you and go home wouldn't you? It's all part of he tug on the heart strings that leaving your child and going to work is!

Original poster

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 21/01/2014 16:14

Thanks for the replies - I'm sort of pleased that I'm not the only one that has experienced this!

MIL is very good about it and tries to downplay it, but it still hurts! Yesterday was awful as she had just woken up prematurely when I went to get her and she cried all the way home. So did I

I know it is a good thing that she enjoys being elsewhere when I am at work, I just don't want her to grow up feeling that I've palmed her off and she ends up closer to MIL than me. It is also a bit frustrating that I am the bad cop and obviously home time means routines and rules, whereas DD rules the roost with MIL!

OP posts:

Original poster

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 21/01/2014 16:16

Oh and thanks for the idea of the cheap toys to lure her home with mishmash!

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 21/01/2014 18:48

My DS used to be exactly like this, on more than one occasion he asked if he could like with his nana and I could just visit him there! He's 17 now and still very close to his grandparents which is lovely to see. I know it's hard when you look forward to seeing them and they react like this but it's a positive thing that she loves spending time with her grandparents

MadameJosephine · 21/01/2014 18:49

*live with his nana

ameliarose2012 · 24/01/2014 21:19

My DD doesn't even spend that much time with my mum, but she still seems to like her more than me . If she's here, and then goes home my DD has a mega fit and cries for ages. When I go out she just waves me off with a 'bye bye Mummy'! When she's hurt, she'll go to my mum rather than me. I think it's nice that she loves her so much. It does hurt to feel second best though. But at least you're not the only one.

Oh, and as for the toys, my mum was a childminder when I was growing up, and there was a mum that used to do that. The kids still didn't want to go home, but would create until she gave them a gift. I wouldn't get yourself started down that road. Just accept this is the way it is for now.

Children are fickle creatures, and it won't be long before you're top of the pile again xxx

SugarPlumpFairy3 · 26/01/2014 11:01

We had the same thing with dd1. I took it really personally and felt very hurt. I think we tried to deal with it by my mil giving my dd plenty of warning when I would be coming and I learned not to expect kisses and cuddles straight away.

My dd is now 7 and they are wonderfully close and have a lovely relationship :).

I now have twins who mil looks after at our house 1 day per week and I'm starting to notice that they only want her, even when I'm there. I feel more confident as a parent now so don't take it personally .

newtonupontheheath · 26/01/2014 11:08

My ds has been going to my mums at least 2 days a week (used to be 4 and it's gradually reduced since I had dd) He cries every time I pick him up because he doesn't want to come home and asks every morning "Are we going to Gran's today?"

He's fine, well adjusted, likes nursery, attached to dh and me etc etc but he just loves going to his bloody Gran's!

Original poster

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 27/01/2014 19:44

Just come back to this thread and it's nice to read some more reassuring messages!

I find it is a bit easier when MIL is at our house with DD, as I'm not 'taking her away' from the fun!

I am pleased that she has a close relationship with her GM (and that MIL is always excited about and happy to look after DD) as I was very close to my GM as a child. Apparently I used to do exactly the same to my mum... karma...!

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 27/01/2014 19:56

when ds(9) was a toddler he used to scream and hold onto the nursery staff when I picked him up at night, any member of staff, not even his key worker. He would hold onto them so tightly I would have to prise his little fingers off their clothes to get him out and then fold him into the car seat.

Think it was just the end of a long day, he was tired and settled where he was.

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