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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

7 year old with friends who were stealing

22 replies

PGMum · 20/01/2014 13:37

My 7 year old daughter went to her first sleep over on sat. The family took her and 2 others (including their child) into town to buy the birthday girl's birthday cake. Whilst they were in the shop, one girl stole a packet of sweets which I think they all knew about. My daughter says she told child not to but was told that they would be told off hence no adult was told. The girls then went home and sneaked off to eat the sweets, until the Dad realised something suspicious was up and found out what was happening. I wasn't aware until we picked our daughter up yesterday morning. Feeling upset that she was involved but didn't say anything to the parents. She didn't seem particularly upset until I told her she should write a letter to the parents apologising - I don't see it as their fault as they couldn't keep their eyes on the children all the time. Am I over-reacting?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 14:16

Am I missing something here?

Your daughter was not a party to the theft, so why would she apologise to the other girl's parents?

Original poster

PGMum · 20/01/2014 14:43

She knew what was going on - the child who stole the sweets told her she was going to do it and my daughter told her not to (according to her) but didn't tell the parents. I guess it would have been a very brave thing for her to do though. She did eat the sweets later, knowing they had been stolen. I just hoped she might have refused to have had any involvement at all.

OP posts:

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 15:04

If the theft was a joint enterprise, all parties to the theft are equally guilty in law.

Even if not a party to then theft, your daughter knowingly 'received stolen goods' after the event and thus is guilty of serious naughtiness - even though the pressure on her to enjoy the spoils must have been considerable.

As a one-off event, it's not the end of the world but, if she continues in that vein, she might be heading down a very rocky road indeed. You should explain to her that, not only is it wrong, big girls get sent to jail for that sort of thing.

The good news is that 7-year-olds can't be prosecuted and so you can take comfort in the fact that the cops won't be coming round to see you.

From a moral viewpoint, however, the thief's parents bear a very responsibility indeed and their child might well be someone for your daughter to keep well away from in future.

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 17:51

It isn't that unusual for children of this age to experiment with a bit of shoplifting. Fortunately the majority of parents respond as you have by explaining the severity of the situation and expecting the child to make amends in some way. Those children generally learn their lesson and don't try it again.

I think your reaction is proportionate and logical and your DD is unlikely to participate in anything similar in the future. I assume that the other parents are doing something similar.

No, you are not over reacting. Your DD needs to learn this lesson. Once the letter has been written and handed over you need to put it behind you and not raise it again unless there is another similar incident in the future.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 19:30

It isn't that unusual for children of this age to experiment with a bit of shoplifting

I'm sure there are families and communities that train their children to steal as soon as they can crawl but, in the 'normal' world, I suspect it's very unusual for children to shoplift at 7 years of age.

At 7 years old, a child has very few ideas of its own regarding right and wrong: the vast majority of its views have been learned from parents and family.

If a 7-year old is shoplifting, its parents need to look not so much at the child but rather at themselves and their parenting.

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 20:23

I'm sure there are families and communities that train their children to steal as soon as they can crawl but in the 'normal' world, I suspect it's very unusual for children to shoplift at 7 years of age.

I do not live in a family or a community that trains their children to steal . That is an extremely offensive comment.

I have been caring for children in a professional capacity for over 20 years and in that time I have come across several children who have done it and other parents whose children have done it and are mortified. I'm not saying that all children do it but it isn't that uncommon and it isn't a reflection on the child or the ethos of the family if it is handled responsibly.

Children can serious underestimate the seriousness of shoplifting and some just can't resist what they see as a victimless crime. They don't realise how bad it is until a responsible adult sits them down and reads the riot act to them.

OP, fortunately most people will not be judgemental and will understand that this is about children learning an important lesson the hard way.

Jinty64 · 20/01/2014 20:37

I stole a pair of baby socks when I was about that age. I had no need for baby socks but my friend had a baby sister and I really, really wanted one. I think it was subconsciously tied up with that. I was never found out. My parents would have been horrified but I did not go on to become a serial thief.

I think you are right to help her understand how serious her actions could have been if she was older and then let it go.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 20:55

Stealing a pair of baby socks under the circumstances Jinty describes is one of the least serious thefts a child of that age can commit, and it suggests nothing worryingly criminal about the child who steals them.

Jinty's theft was an isolated occurrence and, as such, does not suggest that she's an Artful Dodger at heart or that her father is in any way a modern-day Fagin.

Sweets, however, are a very different matter as there is, in effect, no limit to the number of sweets a child can covet and thus one successful theft is very likely indeed to lead to another and another and another.

The OP's child is not, on the face of it, hurtling towards a life of crime but the child that initiated the theft has very probably done it before and that, to say the least, is cause for considerable concern.

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 21:10

Jinty describes is one of the least serious thefts a child of that age can commit, and it suggests nothing worryingly criminal about the child who steals them.

the child that initiated the theft has very probably done it before and that, to say the least, is cause for considerable concern.

Good grief!

How judgemental can you get? How can you possibly know that the child who stole the sweets makes a habit of it?

I really hope you don't work with children or in anything to do with law enforcement!

Original poster

PGMum · 20/01/2014 21:46

Wow, thanks for your posts! Have spoken to dd since and whilst she knew about it, she told the other child not to do it, who then said I am. Dd then said it's up to you, which I felt was quite brave....stating her feelings and not wanting to be part of it. Yes she had one of the sweets later but I don't feel this is going to lead her down a life of crime. Not seen the mother yet of child who did it!

OP posts:

fluffygal · 20/01/2014 21:55

My son stole a bag of sweets recently when out with his Dad. He was 7. I am mortified and burst out crying when I found out, I am hard and firm when it comes to right and wrong and use every opportunity to teach my children morals. It came as a bit of a shock, he is really a good boy and very caring, I don't know why he did it. He couldn't say why he did it.

suzanne I can assure you there is nothing wrong with my parenting, but thanks for the judgment.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 22:27

There is nothing wrong with my parenting

Then you are truly unique among mortals.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 22:31

How can you possibly know that the child who stole the sweets makes a habit of it?

I can't, which is why I didn't say she makes a habit of it.

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 22:55

the child that initiated the theft has very probably done it before

Yet you are happy to make this sweeping judgement.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 23:08

Yet you are happy to make this sweeping judgement

I am indeed, because it's true.

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 23:15

I am indeed, because it's true.

Are you being goady on purpose?

You know virtually nothing about the child so you cannot possibly make that judgement.

Do you spout this drivel in RL or just on internet forums?

Goldmandra · 20/01/2014 23:18

Actually I think I know the answer and I'm not getting drawn in any further.

Hiding this thread so I don't have to read any more goady crap.

Tesselation · 20/01/2014 23:26

Child thief here! My sister did it loads and I remember thinking eating the evidence was the best thing to do to keep her out of trouble. I was around 10 then.

When I was a teenager I was into anarchist politics and saw shop lifting as a blow against capitalism. But I was rather cowardly and only stole small items.

Both me and my sister work in caring professions now and pass our CRB checks just fine. So the road isn't always rocky for young thieves. Sometimes they just grow out of it. Your reaction seems proportionate OP whereas Suzanne's... is scaremongering.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 23:35

You know virtually nothing about the child so you cannot possibly make that judgement.

I know nothing about (let's say) your mother - but it's very probable she had two ears and ten toes in her prime.

SuzanneUK · 20/01/2014 23:55

When I was a teenager I was into anarchist politics and saw shop lifting as a blow against capitalism.

Therefore the commission of your crimes was based upon your informed and rational judgement regarding the political rights and wrongs of the situation, rather than upon any fundamental dishonesty and/or lust for personal profit.

A 7-year-old cannot make such judgements and, if not stopped from stealing, may well find herself with a criminal record before she's old enough to realise what a problem that will be for her.

Tesselation · 21/01/2014 10:45

A 7-year-old cannot make such judgements and, if not stopped from stealing, may well find herself with a criminal record before she's old enough to realise what a problem that will be for her.

Do you think that's likely in this case Suzanne?

In fact that is a rhetorical question as I have now done my research; not into child crime but your posting habits. With the exception of the car thread the evidence appears to suggest your parents brought you up to love a good argument and to try and maintain it for the pleasure of all.

Your contributions on the "Rape is not the ONLY crime" thread leads me to believe you have very probably done it before and that, to say the least, is cause for considerable concern.

The good news is that contrarians can't be prosecuted and so you can take comfort in the fact that the cops won't be coming round to see you.

OP, I think your response was fine to what was a fairly ordinary piece of naughtiness for a child that age.

Over and out.

SuzanneUK · 21/01/2014 11:01

With the exception of the car thread . . .

Then it appears you've missed the bereavement thread, the getting your money back for faulty goods thread, the Asda loyalty card thread, the having your boyfriend round while your kids are in bed thread, the leaving the NHS to set up in private practice thread, the my boiler has broken down thread . . . and many others.

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