How to discipline an almost 4yr old?

[lisbapalea]

Can anyone help me with some effective ideas on how to discipline DD1 who will be 4 in March.

She is generally a very good girl - she is bright as anything and loves being praised for being kind and thoughtful and is sensitive enough to understand why that's important. She's always been 'spirited' (ha!) and definitely has my stubborn streak, so we've gone through the typical terrible twos and the 'threenager' years, but she has recently stepped it up a gear and DH and I feel we need some new strategies.

The main problem is not listening, and then deliberately either doing what we've told her not to do, or deliberately not doing what we have asked her to do! She will literally look me in the eye when doing the opposite of what I have asked, so it's often very deliberate naughtiness.

She's also started pushing me / hitting me (only 'light' hitting at the moment - I think she is testing the water on that score). This has only happened when I have been trying to discipline her for bad behaviour; it's not spontaneous hitting if that makes sense.

We've tried various techniques, ranging from "I'm counting to 3 and then...." (bit probably not always following through), sitting on the step, having toys confisctaed, really yelling at her, being really calm and trying to rationalise with her, making notes of behaviour we want to see and marking crosses or ticks against it, etc etc - we seem to be trying all the avenues.

We're also trying to praise the good behaviour as much as possible, and we have always told her how much we love her and how proud we are of her and we're keeping that up even though her behaviour is nothing to be proud of!

To complicate things, we had DD2 5 weeks ago, so DD1 is no doubt reacting to that in some way, but it's hard to know how much of the behaviour is linked to DD2's arrival, and how much is just a factor of approaching 4yrs old. Either way, I think we need to show some consistency in how we deal with her, and at the moment I don't think either of us are getting this right.

Any ideas?!

(sorry this is so long)

Bump - anyone?

We've tried various techniques, ranging from "I'm counting to 3 and then...." (bit probably not always following through),

The one most important thing you can do is always follow through no matter what. If she doesn't feel sure that the consequence will happen she won't know whether to carry on with the behaviour or not.

Start being clear and very consistent with the boundaries and things should improve. Try to link the consequences with the behaviour, e.g. only confiscate toys if she is acting inappropriately with them, she misses a trip to the park if she isn't listening so wouldn't be safe, she can't play that game because she took so long to tidy up that there isn't time now.

We found the naughty spot (completely un-pc term I know, should have called it 'time out', but too late now) - which is a mat in the dining room - worked really well with ds1. We started it when he was 2yo, and he went on it for a minute per age of his life. After a while the deterrent factor worked equally as well as the couple of minutes sitting there. He always had a warning first, unless it was something particularly bad like lashing out. I would be a little wary of starting a concept like that when your baby is so small however, just so that she doesn't associate the arrival of the baby with the onset of unpleasant consequences for bad behaviour. I would possibly start it in a little while when you've all got used to the new routine, or try something like a sticker chart with stickers for good listening, doing as she is told, not arguing etc. Lots of specific praise when she doesn't act up - "you did that as soon as I asked you to!" rather than just telling her she was good - so she is more likely to repeat the behaviour to get the positive response from you. All the best - it is definitely a phase and I'm sure it'll pass for you soon enough. x

I should have said in my post that you should also capitalise on her desire to earn praise. For every one thing you ask her not to do, try to find five that you thank or praise her for doing. They don't have to be big things. Just hanging her coat up or not stepping on a dropped toys is enough.

This will help give your whole relationship a more positive focus.

My dd is the same age as yours and is generally really good but has her off days like they all do. I definitely find that praise the good and ignore the bad works to some degree. She has a 'treat box' which is where all sweets are kept and she knows very good behaviour gets rewarded by sweets (yeah yeah I know...bad for them...blah blah...so shoot me it works for us)
Once when she pushed the bad behaviour too far I made her follow me into the kitchen and watch as I emptied the whole treat box into the bin!! She's never forgotten it and just mentioning it makes her re-think her behaviour. I also take favourite toys away for the whole day as another tactic.

Thanks all. I definitely think we need to start following threats through - we did last night when we ended up with no bedtime story, which was actually horrible for all of us as I think we all look forward to that part of the day. But we did end on a positive with plans for what we will be doing at the weekend if she's good for the rest of the week.

We've also now drawn up a sticker chart with very specific things for her to 'achieve' every day, and she can put a sticker against each one at the end of every day if she's been good. She was very excited about it this morning so fingers crossed it works.

At the very least I have found reassurance on this thread and others across Mumsnet, that this does seem to be quite a normal time for behaviour to take a turn for the worse, so it's good to know we're not alone!