Not sure we handled this right...

[nearlyreadyforstatelyhomes]

DD is 2y1m and DH nd I do bedtime together each night - bath, pjs, story, then DH says n'night and DD and I have a cuddle and a sing, then in cot for another short song then leave her to chat and sing for an hour fall asleep.

She's starting to fight her lunchtime nap and today only had 30 mins.

Come bedtime she was v tired and doing severe scissor kick legs when doing her nappy and pjs. We asked her nicely to stop, ignored it, got firmer, then almost shouted and she carried on and laughed harder every time we told her to stop. We then said "if you don't stop we'll have to leave the room". She didn't stop, so DH and I walked out. She really cried and we went back in after about 20 seconds, told her kicking wasn't nice and we didn't want to be around it and would prefer cuddles/kisses/loves etc. She's not quite got the hang of saying sorry yet, though we asked her to and then gave her a cuddle and read a story.

After the story DH went to kiss her and she whacked him on the face (jokingly rather than spitefully or cross, but quite hard nonetheless) and I quickly and firmly said "that is not nice, you mustn't hit daddy, say sorry to daddy please". She went sheepish, wouldn't say sorry or kiss or cuddle him (given as an alternative to saying sorry as we usually do) so I said calml "ok straight in the cot for you tonight", put her in the cot and again she was devastated. I held her hand til she calmed down and started to settle then gave her a kiss and said goodnight and left the room and she was fine.

However I feel really bad that she got so upset twice just before going to bed. I know she was overtired so that didn't help, but am wondering what we should've done differently. I'm really keen to let her know when there are things she shouldn't do (kicking and whacking) but I'm so unsure of how cross/firm to be. I want to be taken seriously but don't want to rule with an iron fist. She's usually really good (though does sod about getting in pjs most nights) so I think she really gets upset when we do occasionally get cross.

Bah this is a long post fr something relatively trivial in the great scheme of things - sorry!!

I think it sounds as though you handled it perfectly! You let her know it wasn't acceptable with words and consequences but didn't make a huge fuss and didn't let her go to sleep upset. We have always had a similar bedtime routine with our DS and have had exactly the same concerns over little incidents near bedtime when he was younger. He's now 6 and we don't worry any more- we know that what we do works for us and him.

Sounds right to me.
Calm explanation of what was wrong and what is the right way to behave.
Chance to say sorry.
Warning.
Followed through calmly.

It will happen a lot in the next 2 years I should think as they are the hardest ages. Consistency and love and patience will be worth it in the end though.

Well done you and DH did it exactly right. She is pushing boundries and the sooner she realizes Mummy isnt taking any crap from her shell soon give up. Im a big believer in ignoring the bad and over emphasising the good. Unless the bad is putting the child in danger ofcourse. Its a big learning curve. Children respond beautifuly to praise and you did it perfect

I have a slightly older DD, don't have all the any answers. I'd have done almost the same as you except

• not insist on 'sorry', just say 'oh, I'll say sorry for you' if she won't (we do this for thank you too, and over time she's got much better at saying them).
• fuss over your DH getting hit, so she doesn't get a big reaction from us for hitting (but still then tell her calmly that she shouldn't)
• talk about how she's feeling and reassure her 'i know you're feeling tired and cross with us, that's ok, it's fine to feel cross sometimes' (toddlers are easily overwhelmed by their emotions)

Have started reading 'toddler taming' and 'how to talk so kids will listen' and have picked up a few ideas from there. I am softer on bad behaviour when she's tired (or hungry) as I find it's easy to end up in a downward spiral - I just focus on praising anything good and fixing the underlying hunger/tiredness.

But, sounds like she settled ok and was fine, so you have absolutely no need to worry! :)

Cool - thank you . It just felt a bit harsh as she was really upset!

I've read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, was a few months ago now and at the time felt like it didn't apply (as she was barely walking!) but perhaps I'll revisit it now she's getting a bit older.

We mostly try to distract/divert from bad behaviour and do focus on the good, even just when she's being "normal" if you see what I mean. She says please and thank you beautifully with tipped down chin and puppy dog eyes for added cuteness! and she knows that when we say "say sorry" she's done something wrong and doesn't like being told off all. We were out for Sunday lunch in a posh-ish pub once and she threw the knife that was at her place setting and I quietly but firmly told her off and we got a big quivery chin and real tears as I think she was mortified! I don't want to her be a people-pleaser either but it's all a bit new this setting of boundaries.

I'm also concious that my own DM was quite scary firm at times (hence my username.....) and I don't want to repeat that method of parenting!

I work on the mantra of firm but fair.

So firm boundaries but be fair about discipline. There are times you can let things go - maybe just give a warning look - these are things you, your DH and DD Will work out as you go along.

Tbh though it sounds like your DD is aware of right from wrong ref knife incident. Sometimes just removing the offending object is enough.

It's sounds like your family will be just fine and your DD has lovely parents. I'd be more worried if you sent her to bed bawling and felt proud of yourself for making a point

You communicated clearly, gave her a warning and carried it through. She will grow up knowing where the boundaries are and what will happen if she crosses them and that will make her happier and more secure.

I wouldn't punish a child for not saying sorry. She was chastened by your telling off for slapping her dad's face so perhaps that was the time to let it go.

I also would try very hard not to allow sanctions to interfere with the bedtime routine simply because you don't want to disrupt what sounds to me like a really good one. Good bedtimes are worth their weight in gold

Asking children to say sorry is inevitably going to be asking them to lie at times and this can be confusing when you're also trying to teach them to tell the truth. I prefer to model apologising if I do something wrong and praise them for apologising when they are genuinely remorseful.

The way you handled the knife throwing incident sounds good too. Your disapproval was enough to make her lip quiver so there was no need to take it any further.

To be honest you sound like lovely parents and your LO is very lucky

Ahh thanks!! We didn't feel like lovely parents at the time! But then she's been honing the perfect lip quiver since she was about 10 weeks old!

She's a little treasure if I do say so myself, now how do I keep her so sweet during the teenage years?!?

now how do I keep her so sweet during the teenage years?!?

If you work that one out you'll be richer than Bill Gates!

Seriously thought. They are still your babies, even as teenagers and they are always gorgeous when they are asleep.