Feeling a little lost re my 5yr old's behaviour

[TMNTmum]

Hi all
I apologise in advance for the lengthy post- I'll try to add as much info as possible.
my 5yr old DS started reception this September. He went to a private nursery before that- full time. Both me and DH work full time (I'm currently on mat leave). During the past year, many changes have happened in our lives- I gave birth 7 months ago, we moved to a new apartment (we used to live in a house with stairs which he apparently liked very much- did that to get closer to catchment area for the school), sold our old car (which he liked a lot), and our beloved 14yr old dog died in April. All in all, it has been a seriously eventful year for him.
the problem is, he very sensitive and doesn't respond well to changes.
Every time there is a major change in our lives (even going on holiday!) it drives him, for lack of better word, bonkers for a good week or two.

My problem is- he really hasn't adapted to school yet. All of his peers have gotten on with the school year- they started letters etc, and he flat out refuses to participate. Even in carpet time, when the teacher reads them a story or something- he will leave the group and sit by himself, as though asking for attention (which I'm sure is a part of it all).
We went away on a holiday during half term to visit our family abroad (we moved to the UK when he was a month old), and since we've been back it has been an absolute nightmare- he is cheeky and rude, will not listen, constantly misbehave, do everything he can to interrupt us, and the good ol' temper tantrums are back- with gusto. He will literally rip the house down, and they can go on for a good 1.5hrs, and there is literally no stopping him when they happen. He'll hit, spit, try to bite us (!!), scream and run around, with the inevitable "I hate you" "you're not my mummy" and so on. he's had 2 temper tantrums in school- he hit one of the teachers and wrecked the head teacher's office once. He also started wetting the bed again- not all the time but it has happened quite a few times since school started (he's been potty trained at 3 with almost zero accidents since).

We are very strict with him with regards to discipline on a daily basis, and he is usually the sweetest, gentlest, most polite and caring boy. He will never say bad words to us and always treat everyone around him with the utmost respect and caring possible. He is as clever as hell, has a ridiculously amazing memory, emphatic and funny- but since he started school I'm literally lost- and hardly recognise him.

We have no idea where to start approaching this. School SEN person says "She's not worried, all kids go through that phase" and "He doesn't need special consulting of any sorts" (when I asked her if I could have a chat with the school's psychologist). I'm not a professional, but I know my child- and it's not like him to behave like that. I'd say he's in clear distress to me and so lashes out, and I'm truly at a loss here- what do I do? Is there a way to see a child/developmental psychologist on the NHS? will he be "marked" for life because of this on their record? Are there private facilities of psychologists? Or should we try something completely different?? sorry for daft questions, but as I said we're foreign so have little, if any, idea as to how things work here.

Please share your wisdom with me. Huge thanks in advance.

Apologies for typos and grammatical errors- must remember to read before sending (note to self)

Hi there. I can't be of much help here but you might have more luck on the Special Needs board.

thanks, I'll copy paste it there too x

You're saying contradictory things; he is usually sweet & cooperative punctuated by enormous but fairly rare enormous tantrums? Except for the size of the tantrums, that is fairly normal for the age.

If school think they can cope I wouldn't worry about him there but would look at what might be triggering his tantrums at home and whether you can do anything to calm them faster after they start. How does he feel about baby?

He's very sensitive, doesn't respond well to change, cannot engage in school activities or sit with his peers, has unreasonably violent and physically aggressive tantrums, has caused damage to property at school, has started wetting the bed, has an unusually good memory and is clearly in distress.

That, to me, paints a pretty clear picture of a child who should be assessed by CAMHS or a developmental paediatrician.

You can ask your GP for a referral, although you are likely to be told that his behaviour is normal and will have to be very clear and stick to you guns if you feel strongly that it is not.

This could be explained by him reacting to a lot of changes but most children wouldn't trash school offices and hit teachers unless that behaviour was considered appropriate at home. You will need to explain how you manage his behaviour to show that your parenting isn't the root of the problem. Keeping a diary of incidents, including the trigger, your behaviour management and his response to that, should help paint a clear picture of what you're dealing with.

Go and see your GP without your DS so you can speak freely and ask for a referral. The waiting list may be long, especially for CAMHS.

Don't worry about what the SENCo says. I disagree that all children go through this phase. Very few children hit teachers, spit, bite and trash rooms at this age. SENCos are not qualified to make or dismiss diagnoses.

School SEN is talking rubbish - I suspect she will have no qualifications in child developmetn at all.

You DS may be very sensisitive and on the edge of normal or he could have deeper issues - his inability to cope with the school environment suggests social and emotional issues for this phase of his life. He needs help to adapt.

A developmental paediatrician (you can find a private one if you can afford it and self refer rather than waiting for an NHS one) should be able to administer appropriate tests to determine whether he is on the extreme edges of normal range of behaviours (most likely) or has an underlying emotional developmental disorder (rare). The paediatrician can then recommend therapies probably with an ed psych to help your son deal with change and the school environment and learn emotional coping strategies and other ways to express his fear/anger/frustrations.

He may simply need a few additional social skills sessions to enable him to make sense of his new world and not react so violently.

Thanks everyone.
lljkk - Thanks- it's not contradictory- he didn't have them for a long time, especially not this hard. Now he does. He absolutely adores baby- always wants to hug and kiss her, help with everything, "Keep an eye on her" etc. he introduces her as "my baby" to everyone, and always tries to play with her and make her laugh. He is also very gentle and caring with her.
Goldmandra- thank you, very eye opening. That behaviour is of course 100% unacceptable at home. I'll try to keep a log of these, that's a very good idea.
Miggsie- Thank you vm, I'll try to see our GP this week and take it from there. We do have private insurance, I just didn't know who the right/relevant professional is.

I don't necessarily agree with the other posters - I would be very surprised if the problem was developmental. To me it looks like the problem might be 'environmental'- OP you are right, it's an awful lot of change for a little one. Just moving house OR starting a new school, and a new baby sister on top of that - would be enough to affect the behaviour of many, if not most children. Starting school is a big deal on its own. If I was in your shoes, I would try to establish a very positive routine with him, try to make him feel secure as much as you can. Ask the teacher to give you a routine of what they do at school and 'practice' it at home, explain to him the sequence of events at school and at home, try to stick to the same routine every morning and evening if you can - and try to slowly eliminate insecurities. You could also build a special 'den' at home, with a blanket, cushions, his favourite book / soft toys where he can go to feel secure. I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but i would try to find just 15-20 minutes a day to be only with him and pay him full attention.

I agree with the above. It sounds like you are a very caring mum, but a lot has happened to him in the past year, and inevitably looking after a baby does take quite a bit of your attention away from the eldest, however hard you try not to neglect them. The age gap between mine is similar - ds1 is 5yo and in Reception also, and dd2 is nearly 15mo. I can see that it does affect him when dd2 has been particularly limpet-like and whingy, and I haven't been able to spend quality time with ds1 after school or even talk above the screaming. You say that you are strict with regard boundaries at home, which is of course a good thing, but does he also get plenty of affection, and also fun? It sounds to me like he is wanting more attention and is behaving badly to get it. Easy for me to over-simplify, just from reading your post, I do realise. As suggested above, I would also try spending some quality one on one time with him every day. It's hard with a baby, and if yours is anything like mine then 'scream o'clock' begins at 4pm, but I try to remind myself that ds1 will remember this time, whereas dd2 won't. Not that I neglected her, but I did used to prioritise reading ds1 his bedtime story over running to her when she was crying. I didn't want him to feel hurried and rushed into bed so that I could get back to her, even though that is what I felt like doing. Now she goes to bed before he does so it is different, but that is how I did it when she was your lo's age. Sorry no magic answers, I can only suggest maintaining your boundaries with him but at the same time trying to show love and affection and not all harshness and punishment.

I don't want to give you the wrong advice

blueberry that advice is brilliant regardless of whether the OP's child has a developmental disorder

Thank you so much blueberryupsidedown and mummyxtwo- this adds a little bit of perspective and also somewhat of a slap across the head- calm down and look at things with a level head.

I promise to update. thanks again everyone :) x